Entry # 1 - September 12

It has been nearly seven weeks since Logan came home, and he has made little progress in that time. He is no longer feral, as he was when we found him, but he is so full of that familiar rage and he is not willing to explore it. Henry is worried, and rightfully so, that if Logan does not begin to deal with what happened it will destroy him.

He refuses to speak of the events that took place during his internment at the Weapon X facility, but we all have a pretty good idea of the type of treatment he received there. When asked about it, he responds with such anger it hurts us to watch. He remembers it this time, I am sure of it. If he didn’t, I am sure he would not be this angry.

Not only is he angry, I fear, but also… ashamed. Of what, though? Having been captured again and forced to face that nightmare all over again? For being feral when we found him, thinking all this time that he had his animal under control? For the conditions he had been forced to live in?

I am certain he would not have chosen to be left in the quarters in which we found him. I suppose ‘quarters’ would not be an appropriate term. ‘Containment cell’ would be the more valid descriptive.

[Details to Remember: cold, damp cement cell – under ground - illuminated only by light in corridor when door was opened – naked, beaten, starved and drugged – chained, hands and feet, at odd angles and limited reach – collared (power suppressant) and tethered to wall – each tether was 18" in length, anchored 24" from floor (for neck and hands) and directly behind him, at floor level, to limit foot range. In essence, he was forced to remain in a crouched position, unable to bend elbows more than an inch or so, and unable to stand or lie down.----For how long??? Torture was obvious, physical and psychological abuse evident.]

Having studied human psychology and sociology under Professor Xavier’s tutelage, I am familiar with his present behavior, which is common among victims who are lead to believe that whatever they had endured was by no one’s fault but their own. Jean, has tried, on numerous occasions, to get him to confide in her. Our hopes were, that because of his past ‘friendliness’ with her, he might feel comfortable enough with her to talk. Unfortunately, all three times, he seemed totally mortified at the very thought of sharing this with her.

We decided, after the first few failed attempts, that perhaps going at it from a clinical angle was not the best choice. So we tried not to harp on him about it, and went back to our normal activities, with the hope that he would start to participate. Jean even went back to the playful bantering she used to share with him, but he would just look at her, as if he had never seen her before. The other day she crossed the line when she began to openly flirt with him, hoping he would respond to it. It only seemed to make him uncomfortable and he refused to look at her.

She thought he only needed a little nudge to get him going, so she walked to where he was sitting. I watched closely, as his breaths became more rapid the closer she got to him. Jean was too busy concentrating on saying ‘the right things’ as she approached him slowly, seductively, that she didn’t seem to notice. Or perhaps she thought it better not to acknowledge his reaction, hoping she could smooth things out. By the time Jean was close enough to lean forward, putting her face right in front of his, whispering ‘sweet nothings’ to him, he was close to a fight or flight response. His adrenaline skyrocketed, obvious by the way his body trembled and his eyes turned bloodshot. Even his pupils dilated to the point that his beautiful blue eyes seemed to turn black. His nostrils flared as he sucked in copious amounts of air through his nose, and his fists were clenched, resting on his thighs.

Before I had the chance to distract her, without embarrassing him, Jean made her move. She draped one arm across one of his shoulders, and I watched his entire body tense up. Then she caressed his cheek softly with the back of her other hand. Something horrible must have flashed through his mind at that moment, because his eyes became as big as saucers before flinging himself backwards off the chair. He scurried to his feet as we all stood there in shock, some of us trying to calm him down. Henry pulled Jean away from him, realizing Logan would now see her as a threat.

He stood hunched over, holding his head low, his back to the wall. He was scared out of his mind. And it became obvious to me at that moment, that he had, in some way, been conditioned to fear being touched. Although he is severely cautious whenever one of us gets too close to him, he does not react in an overt manner. He refuses eye contact and is wary of every movement in the room, but if someone touches him, he panics.

The beatings were obvious, by the marks on his body: bruises, welts, lacerations- psychological abuse was also obvious: limited range of motion, unsanitary conditions, sensory deprivation - and emotional abuse: humiliation, helplessness, feeling defenseless and alone, and made to feel completely vulnerable, leading to his reversion to feral behavior.

As I have watched him closely these past weeks another question arose in my mind. Had he been sexually threatened, or abused, as well? I wouldn’t put anything past them. And his responses are indicative of such treatment. What better way to break a ‘wild thing’ of its spirit?- especially a male ‘wild thing’. Even more specific, an Alpha male ‘wild thing’. There is no doubt that they would do whatever they deemed necessary, to gain his ‘cooperation’. And as they already know, from previous experiences with him, what would and would not work to their benefit, in trying to break him… would they take it to that level? I have no doubt.

I have given this a great deal of thought the past few days, and have discussed my suspicions on the matter with Dr. McCoy. He agrees with my summation, and concurs that the best way to break the spirit of a male animal, especially an Alpha male, would be to castrate it. No. He had not been physically neutered, of that we were certain, because Henry had given him a full physical, under sedation, upon his return. And, I am sure those bastards would not even consider that option with him, even if it would guarantee docility. Because after all is said and done, it is that very spirit, as well as, his mutation that makes him so valuable to their organization.

I do not believe they would ever consider taking away Logan’s ability to reproduce. After all, the chances that he would pass on his own characteristics to his offspring are very good. That is what an Alpha male is designated for, by nature, isn’t it - to reproduce the same strength, skills and indomitable will to survive in the next generation?

Now that I am thinking about it, perhaps that is the very reason for which they took him away from us this time. Perhaps they had finally given up on ever getting his cooperation, and decided that, if they couldn’t have him… they would have his offspring. Must speak with Henry about this. Maybe I am off the mark on this one. I certainly hope so.

Entry #2 - September 13

Spoke to Henry about the ‘offspring’ theory. We spoke in depth about it, actually. Before making any decisions, as to Logan’s mental prognosis, I must research further. My ‘mission’ is to try to confront Logan, in a manner that, hopefully, will not be too frightening for him.

Patience, kindness, love, and understanding, is what is needed here. And, as Henry reminded me, no matter the problem, no matter his mental state… Logan has always trusted me, above and beyond anyone else. He did not have to remind me though. I have loved Logan since our first weeks together as X-Men. I know he doesn’t feel the same toward me, after all, I am not Jean. But a woman in love is a woman in love, and I will do anything for the man I love. Anything… even if it means bringing him back to himself, so he can go back to chasing another woman.

Tomorrow… his therapy begins. Whether he likes it or not.

TBC …. In "The Calming Storm"





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