Turmoil

We all have our inner selves walled away so no one may see, not even those we desperately would want to see. It is like that with her you know. You see her smile, you hear her laugh and your heart skips a beat. When you see her upset or tears threaten to fall down her tender cheek your heart aches in your chest. She is beautiful, physically striking, but also emotionally, intellectually, spiritually beautiful as well. You have it bad for her, ever since you first saw her in that doorway at that big house. Her eyes draw you in; her lips want to be kissed. She has a playfulness about her that you enjoy, though she safeguards her emotions out of necessity. Her rage is the gale force of a hurricane.

You want her more than the air you breath, more than seeing the sun rise and fall. She tells you everything, holding back nothing with you. She calls you her friend, and that is all you seem to be to her. You want to be more. She is with another now and you want to scream “WHY NOT ME?” She was with another before, a younger man only briefly it seems. You were holding back, waiting. Her friendship means more to you though than ruining it.

HA! That’s a crock of shit and you know it. You’re a coward. C-O-W-A-R-D.

She came to you and told you of this other and your heart broke. You felt the stabbing of one thousand steel knifes as they pierced that soft, warm, exposed heart. You hid it though. You can remember what she said and the memory burns more now than earlier.

“He makes me feel special. Needed, yet he caters to me. He touches me as he tells me I am beautiful.” All you can say is “I’ll support you in anything you ever do Goddess. That’s what friends are for.” Though your mind, heart and soul scream I TREAT YOU WELL. DO I NOT MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL? DO I NOT TOUCH YOU AND SPEND TIME WITH YOU!?!

Then you realize, your not worthy of her. Never was. You’re a killer of women and children as well as men. You have broken every commandment known to man at least three time. You are a BABY KILLER, those images flood back to you. It was in Northern Korea a few years back when you were still in the game so to speak. Kim Jong Il had threatened to invade South Korea once more and there was a hostage situation. The terrorist’s name was Chun Ki’lung. He was a fanatic and willing to die for his belief of a unified Korea. He had a bomb that could level a city block, his hostage was a little girl named Ming. She was four years old.
You made a choice, since he was making sure the little girl was in the way of a target lock. You mad a decision, Ming died seconds later as did Chun Ki’lung.

You are not worth of her to even feel the same way, but you hope. Why? You don’t know.

HERS

I see you my handsome friend, I see your will, your heart, your loyality. God how I have wondered how it would feel to have you make love with me. I have wondered but I know we can not. Our timing is terrible, our responsibilities tear at us. You are always there when I need you. You listen to me when I always needed an ear, you never ask more of me than you are willing to give. I don't know when I first noticed it. Perhaps it was midway through my last relationship, and though it is over I never had the courage to tell you.

We would hang out and watch a movie, or dinner, just the two of us. I enjoyed those times so much. I enjoy when you touch me, making me feel beautiful. You give me attention when we are together, even when do not speak. You are like this knight who tries to protect and safeguard me and though I am independantly headstrong I truely enjoy it.

I am confussed by your comments most of the time as well as our closeness. My heart sings to the heavens when you are close and I have to hide it because I feel that you do not see me in that light. You call me goddess and princess, hun, and more yet I do not know your heart. It scares me. What if we did feel the same and something happened? Could we still have our friendship that I cherish so much?

You make me feel beautiful always my dear warrior, my friend, my soulmate....did I say that. I am must be a fool. That is why I have to find another because I know you could not feel the same. I have heard you say as much to a friend, and it hurt me. You make my heart sing and break at teh same time. I wish I could say how I feel for you but I can't. Forgive me my friend.