‘She Cries Your Name’


“Logan?” Ororo called his name, her voice still weak and husky from sleep. Waiting a moment for an answer, when none was forthcoming she slowly opened her sleep-clogged eyes, rubbing them wearily. Her forehead creased and she sat upright quickly as she looked over to his side of the bed and he was nowhere to be seen.


“Logan?” She called out again, louder this time as her eyes searched the still dark room. Reaching over to the bedside table on her side, she fumbled for a second with the cord on the lamp. Its harsh sting of fluorescent yellow hurt her eyes but only briefly as she looked at her watch that was lay on its side at the base of the lamp. It was 3.15am---where was he? His absences from her bed at strange times in the early hours seemed to be getting worse and worse lately---especially after what had happened last week.


Ororo climbed out of her bed, rubbing her eyes some more as she grasped her discarded creamy silk dressing gown from the floor next to the bed, pulling it on quickly. She decided to go check his room, on occasion she found him in there when he disappeared. As quietly as she could she crept out of her attic space and down to the next level where Logan’s room was situated.


* * *


Logan walked back to his booth at Harry’s Hideaway, a fresh bottle of beer in his hand. He’d started coming to this bar regularly, the others, Scott, Ororo and Kurt had come here with him a couple of times but it was his haunt really. He came here when he couldn’t sleep and when he just wanted space from the madness of the mansion---and Ororo.

After the atmosphere between the pair over the past week he needed some space, time to think. He didn’t know how much longer he could do this---it was just too damn painful. Not that his own emotional pain bothered him that much---he just couldn’t bare to see what he was doing to Ororo. The argument they had last week was bad---real bad. Logan took a few sips of his beer as he thought things over, somewhere in the distance he was vaguely aware of the swing doors at Harry’s entrance, then banging back shut with several soft clatters.


Then it hit him, powerful un-yet gentle all at once---Sandalwood. The hollow sound of hard bottomed shoes on a bare wooden floor made its way in his direction against the quiet tune of some slow Country and Western track playing on the duke box in the corner, but he didn’t turn to see her approach.


“So here you are?” Ororo was right behind him and still he wouldn’t look at her. But unperturbed she lay her hand on his shoulder giving the leather that covered it a gentle squeeze. “I looked all over for you---then I remembered that this place just got twenty four hour licensing.” She gave a light laugh but it sounded empty and a little---nervous. She had no idea what his state of mind was at the moment---his mood could change so rapidly that it was getting hard to keep up.


Logan scowled into his beer as he continued to drink, finishing the bottle quickly he slammed it down onto the alcohol soaked table in front of him and stood up. Ororo let her hand fall away from him and took a small step backwards. As he finally turned to look at her she studied his face with worried eyes from beneath a knitted brow.


“Logan?” There was so much loaded in that one simple utterance of his name in a questioning tone---so much that she was asking him, searching for a clue, an answer.
Anything.

But he replied to the question with nothing more than a cold, steely stare, devoid of any warmth, tenderness---or love. After a few moments and without even a word he walked away from her and out of the bar. All she could do was watch him go---frozen to the spot by that look. Maybe this time she really had lost him.


*


“Please talk to me? What’s the matter Logan?” She called out after him slightly breathlessly as she ran to catch up to him. She knew full well what the matter was but thought it might help him to vocalise it---he was so apt at keeping things like this stored up. That’s probably why when the rage took him---it really took him. At last she caught up to him but he wasn’t slowing his long stride. Almost doing a light jog to keep up Ororo put her hand to his back and tried to look around at his face.


“Logan, will you please stop?!” She was trying to stay calm but she lost it a little there. He did stop, abruptly, spinning sharply to face her but not looking at her still, instead he looked off into the distance at the royal blue skies and the silhouetted woodland. “Why are you being like this? Why won’t you talk to me?”


Logan rummaged in the left hand pocket of his battered old leather jacket, fishing out a half-smoked cigar and clasping it between his teeth at the corner of his mouth whilst he went back into his pocket for his Zippo. Bringing the flame around the tip of the cigar he muttered, “‘Cause there ain’t nothin’ to talk about darlin’.” As he closed the lid of his lighter and replaced it in his pocket, he was about to turn and resume his walk down the dirt track that was the quickest short cut from Harry’s to Xavier’s but was stopped by Ororo gripping the arm of his jacket.


“I won’t let you walk away from me Logan---we’ve come too far.” Her voice was stern and serious---determined even. Logan looked down at her hand still gripping his arm and then up at her, a somewhat indignant, and a little angry, expression on his face as he roughly wrenched his arm free.


“Just go back to the mansion.” He said with the type of tone one would use to chastise a misbehaving child. With that he carried on walking as he brought his cigar back to his mouth, the echo of the dried leaves and fallen twigs crunching under his boots ringing out through the silent woods.


“I won’t let you walk away from me.” She repeated, even sterner and much louder. Again Logan stopped but he didn’t turn immediately. When he eventually did, he strode back over to Ororo and she was slightly shocked to see the dark look on his face---she’d seen it a few times and they were times she cared not to dwell on. She ignored it though and repeated quietly as he came closer, “I won’t.”


“Oh yeah?” He replied rather viciously. “And how do’ya intend to stop me darlin’?” He held her eyes with that dark gaze, a sneer playing on his lips.


For a split second it made her falter, “I---I---why are doing this?” She finally asked, shaking her head with sorrowful bewilderment.


He laughed, bitter and sharp, “You don’t get it do ya?” He moved in close to her, his chest almost touching hers, looming over her. If she hadn’t known better she would have thought he was trying to intimidate her.


“I don’t get what? Why don’t you explain it to me Logan?” She spoke with a spiky tone, if he was trying to intimidate her she wanted to let him know that it really wasn’t working. She watched as his jaw tense and out of the corner of her eyes saw that he was clenching and unclenching his fists---an action she had come to realise he only did when his knuckles started to burn, gleaming adamantium itching to break loose. She hated herself for doing this but she couldn’t stop herself from taking a small step back from him.


As she moved a small and nasty grin came to his lips and he nodded his head slightly, “Now yer gettin’ it.” It was ripping him apart inside doing this but he thought it was the only way---the only way to make her truly understand.


“You don’t scare me Logan.” She swallowed down hard to clear the lump in her throat in belie of her statement.


“Ya coulda fooled me sweetheart.” He gave her that short laugh again before bring his cigar to his mouth once more.


“If this is about what happened last week, why can’t we just talk about it?” She backtracked on her pervious motion, stepping closer once more. She wasn’t going to let him think that his little game was working.


“I think we both know it’s too late for that.” He replied quietly, losing the threatening tone of the conversation---but not for long. “Just go back to the mansion and fucking leave me alone---I don’t need you---I don’t need any of you. Right now I just wanna take a walk in peace.” Once again he walked away from her but this time she followed.


“The other day, I could tell you were---“ She gave a small gasp as she was stopped in her tracks by Logan grabbing her roughly by both arms and pulling her to him.


Spitting his cigar to the ground he shouted, “WHAT?! You could tell I was WHAT?!” He inadvertently shook her a little as he roared the questions in her face.


“YOU WERE LOSING IT LOGAN---THAT YOU LOST IT!” Ororo screamed back at him regardless of the panic she had felt when he grabbed her. “Not like usual,” she continued with a now trembling, whisper. “It was much more than that---it was serious. Logan---you need help.”


Logan said nothing as he looked at her with confusion, anger and god knows what else burning in his hazel eyes. She was right---she was exactly right. He was losing it---he was losing his control, his humanity.



*


Last Wednesday...



It started off as any other normal fight between the couple but from the off Logan knew there was something different about this one. For days prior he had been restless but couldn’t put his finger on what it was that was bugging him. But during the argument it came to him---like an epiphany. He just couldn’t control himself anymore. As the argument spiralled from their usual sticking point of Logan’s inability to let Ororo in, to let her help him that was when he felt it. A sudden heat unlike any other he had felt before---raw, vicious and much more than a pitiful red mist.


“Give it a rest will ya darlin’.” Logan tried to keep his voice down; all the shouting was giving him a headache.


“No---you can’t carry on like this Logan. You need to let me in.” Ororo stepped towards him. “Here,” she gently tapped the side of his head and then his heart, repeating softly, “and here.” But Logan just huffed at her and moved away. “How much longer can you keep this up?” Ororo cried out with uncustomary anger, her patience stretched far but it was not infinite.


She continued to shout at him in a manner that she never had before but he was no longer listening. He could feel something building in deep, dark places. This was different from his usual rage---and for some reason it sparked something dimly in the back of his mind, like one of his repressed memories, trying desperately to shake lose. As Ororo continued to half plead, half shout at him her voice became distant---and all he could hear was his own blood roaring in his ears like a tidal-wave. His heart began pounding like a jackhammer in his chest as he felt sweat beads springing up like hot prickles over his entire body. Then his knuckles where on fire and his breathing became deeper and quicker, each exhale coming out with a rich growl.


Ororo suddenly stopped pacing mid-rant, her words trailing off as she caught sight of Logan staring at her from beneath a darkened brow and for a second she didn’t recognise him. He looked just like---an animal. An animal that was ready to attack.


“Lo---. “ She didn’t finish the word, horrified to witness Logan completely lose it---he simply exploded. Before he could stop himself he was letting out a raw, feral snarl which rapidly degenerated into a roar.


*SNIKT!* Out came the claws, gleaming and sharp. Ororo rushed backwards but found herself stopped by the wall. She stared in mute shock as Logan tore into the first thing in front of him---a padded chair.


“GRRRAAAARGH!” He laid waste to the item in seconds, adamantium slicing through the wood, foam and red material like butter. Then he started on the desk---strike after strike, sending chunks of wood and splinters flying in all directions.


Ororo was becoming numb, trembling, too terrified to move---she’d never seen him like this. It was funny---if this had been an enemy, Sabertooth or someone she would have tried to do something to stop him, after all, she was perfectly capable of defending herself. But this was the man she loved---but at the same instant it wasn’t. It was the ‘Wolverine’---the creature he’d been trying to protect her from for so long. The reason he wouldn’t let himself get too close. As he rampaged around the room, destroying everything in sight---she finally started to understand.


After god only knows how long, the first thing Logan remembered was collapsing onto his knees panting and letting out smaller feral growls between panting breaths, the sweat pouring from him liberally now. Finally able to focus again, he would never forget what he saw before him---his room was trashed, almost every stick of furniture in the place hacked to pieces. But it wasn’t that that would gnaw at him forever more---it was seeing Ororo, cowering in the corner of the room, back pressed against the wall with a look of utter disbelief and fear, real fear on her ashen face. Tearing his gaze away from her, all he could do was stare down at his own hands---claws still extending. His literal reminder that he was more animal than man. That was when he regained his human voice.


“GET OUT! GET AWAY FROM ME!” He could no longer trust himself. Ororo did just that, scrambling over bits of broken wood and shredded material as fast as she could to the door---although later she’d wish she hadn’t.


*


His grip on Ororo’s arms slackened slightly, but he still held her tight, almost to press the point that he was about to make to her, “Darlin’ I can’t trust myself to be around you---or any one at the school for that matter.”


“But I---I can help you Logan, or maybe the Professor.” As she spoke she tried to free herself from his grip but he only tightened it once more and although the action didn’t hurt that much she couldn’t help wincing.


He shook his head, his face becoming angry again, “For fucks sake ‘Ro, I could have killed you---do you understand that---I COLUD HAVE KILLED YOU!” He abruptly released her and she stumbled backwards, rubbing at the place where he’d held her on each arm alternately. “For a second before it all went blank I realised---“He shook his head in disbelief of what he was about to say but he had to make her understand. “I realised I didn’t care what happened to you, I realised that I was capable of harming you---and not givin’ a shit.”


Ororo shook her head defiantly, she refused to believe what he was saying to her, she knew him, she knew that there was no way on earth that he would ever really let himself hurt her. “No Logan, I won’t believe that you’ve lost so much of your humanity that you could do that.” She continued to shake her head in grim defiance.


“Jesus woman! You saw me---you saw what I did, how can you want me to be anywhere near you?”


“Because I love you Logan---and I won’t let you push me away.” She stepped closer to him, dismayed to see that her hands where shaking as she reached up to cup his face. “And I know for all your posturing and play-acting you love me too.”


“I wouldn’t be so---“ He was cut off as she lay one long finger over his lips.


“I know you think behaving like this will make me finish it with you---it’s the oldest male trick in the book.” She gave a small knowing smile as she raised an eyebrow at him. “But this girl isn’t falling for it. I knew what I was taking on when I signed up---I’m not in the habit of giving in Logan.” She took her finger away and leant up to kiss him softly. Pulling back she said with quiet conviction, “However long this takes, however hard this gets, I’ll be here for you---I’ll be here for you forever.”


He couldn’t keep up the act anymore in the face of such genuine love so he bit the bullet. Logan pulled her into his arms and returned with her to the mansion---and up to her room. But at the back of his mind was a reminder of what this would lead to, his heart was heavy as he thought about what tomorrow might bring.


* * *


“Darlin’ are you sure about this?” Logan asked, his voice wistful with the contentment of sexual desire.


Ororo was straddled on top of him her chest flat on his, nothing between his flesh and hers. She nodded her head as she continued to trail light, tender kisses down his body, starting from his face and slowly working her way down. As she got down to his abdomen she sat up swiftly, her hair flicking back beautifully. She nodded again as she said, “Yes, I’m sure---I want to be with you. I want you to know I still trust you.” They hadn’t slept together since the incident, they’d shared the same bed a couple of times but Logan couldn’t bring himself to touch her---he felt he didn’t have the right after what he’d done. And Ororo had not the courage to ask, she was still pretty shaken up by it all.


Logan then moved to sit up with her, encircling her curving hips with his large, lethal hands. She moved her arms around his neck as he sighed, burying his head between her rounded breasts. She moved her hips in a slow grinding motion against his erection that lay flat against her sex, encouraging him to make his move.


“It’s O.K.” She whispered tenderly into his ear, she could tell he still felt hesitant, he was so tense when usually he was self-assured and almost---masterful. He pulled his head back from her body turning his head up to look at her---it hurt her to see that he had the most tortured look on his face. Not tortured in the sense of sexual pleasure, but of worry, like he was warring with some inner turmoil---which of course he was. She kissed him, whispering into his mouth, again the assurance, “It’s O. K.”


“It wasn’t me ya know.” He whispered ruefully, shaking his head as he referred to the events of last Wednesday. “It wasn’t me.” He repeated barely audibly but he said it like a mantra, as if he were trying to convince himself of that truth. Trying to tell himself the Wolverine didn’t control him---but he knew in his heart that it rapidly was.


“I know.” She reassured quietly. But she truly did believe that. Then he took her mouth with his, hot and tender, soft yet insistent. He wrapped his arms around her fully as he turned her onto the bed, moving on top of her, all the while never breaking from their deep and searching kiss. His hands moved up her body, caressing her with the lightest touch but she yearned for deeper, she yearned for him to make love to her in the way that she knew he could. She caught the sides of his face making him pull back from her mouth. Looking into his eyes she said all that needed to be said with just one look---she wanted him to be her lover again, it didn’t matter what had happened. She needed him and she trusted him---that was all he needed to know. Giving her his most sincere smile he took his head back down to her body, kissing urgently at her neck, at the protruding bones of her shoulder blades and down to her breasts. Taking one nipple into his mouth he teased it with his tongue before sucking it more intently whilst kneading the other breast with a firm touch. His left hand went down to her thigh, holding it tightly and hoisting it up over his hip, spreading her apart as he did so.


Ororo sighed with pleasure as her legs widened and she felt his penis fully against her heat, waiting for him to enter. She arched her head against the pillow and gripped at one of the bars of the headboard behind her with her left hand as her right one found purchase in his thick hair. She listened contentedly as his breathing became quicker with desire, exacerbating her own. She began rocking her hips against his more urgently now as he continued to kiss her upper body, enjoying the taste of her, devouring her---every bit the hungry lover that he was. And she too.


As Ororo’s rocking thrusts into his groin became quicker so did his and he knew the time was right. He brought his hand down from her breast and clutched at her other thigh near the top, spreading her ever wider. He growled, low and passionate in response to her moan at the action and then he position his groin away from hers slightly, holding the tip of his cock at the still closed opening of her warm, moist sex. She could feel it, hard against her, waiting at the door and with a push of her hips towards it, she invited him in. At that exact moment Logan thrust forwards, groaning with pleasure as he felt her clenched and tight around him. Ororo threw her head back once more, her eyes screwed shut and her mouth agape as she gripped at the headboard harder. The thought of how unbelievably beautiful she looked in the throws of passion flashed through Logan’s mind and he just had to kiss her---wild and ferociously as he began the gentle back and forth rhythm in and out of her.


With slow and careful attention he rocked his hips back and forth but with a circular grinding motion added to it. He wanted to fill her, deeper and deeper, wanted to possess her from the inside---completely. Ororo returned his kiss fervently as she lifted her legs higher about his waist, Logan assisting her with his strong hands. She moved her entire body in a rippling effect to meet with Logan’s every thrusting grind.



For what seemed like an eternity they moved together, as one, in the rhythmic dance of two people in love. This wasn’t just sex---this was their all, this was their every thing---and they where giving it to each other.


Ororo had to break their kiss as she felt her time coming near. Her whole body burned and she struggled for air in the last few seconds before the fire took her---and it was perfect.


“Logan!” She cried his name as at the same moment of her arrival she felt him hot and flooding inside her and his gravelly grunts of pure release as the speed of his final few thrusts became faster and faster. And then one last buck---and he was spent, collapsing down on top of her, but careful not to rest his entire weight on her delicate body. They lay in silence save for their harsh breaths but although the love making was over still they caressed and kissed one another---hungry for more. Neither wanting to let go but one knowing that they had to.



After a while, with no words passed in that time, they fell asleep---bodies entwined like creeping vines around a tree.


* * *


When Ororo opened her eyes, harsh sunlight enveloped her room and she could hear playful voices out side in a day already in full swing. She looked straight at the ceiling or more over the large blue woollen throw that made a canopy above her bed. There was no need for her to turn her head---she knew he wasn’t there.


But Ororo ran her arm over his space regardless, just to see if it was still warm. She was not surprised to find it stone cold. Letting her hand run all the way up to the pillow and her hand caught on something that felt momentarily sharp. Flicking her fingers on it she discovered it to be the edge of a piece of paper. Still looking straight up Ororo picked up the paper and brought it slowly into her line of vision. Holding it above her head her eyes trailed over the two words that were scrawled across it.


I’m sorry.


Ororo swallowed down hard at the lump coming into her throat as she let the note fall from her hand and drift silently to the floor. She had the look of a shock victim about her as her eyes stayed trained to the ceiling, wide and shimmering. Finally her eyelids fell shut and several streams of tears cascaded down her cheeks, dripping onto the white, cotton pillow beneath her head---and then the rain came.



*


All the songs that I’ve sung you

More often than you know

Cause you’re the love that I’ve clung to

More often than I’ve let it show

*

And I wish you would leave me

And I wish you would go

And I wish you didn’t need me

And I wish I didn’t love you so

*

Cause I just can’t go on

So please don’t do me wrong

No I won’t do you harm

My love for you goes on and on


~The End~