Summary: Ororo writes letters during an unwanted pregnancy to the unborn child.
Categories: Ficlets/Songs/Poems Characters: None
Genres: Angst
Warnings: None
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 11
Completed: Yes
Word count: 5176
Read: 19784
Published: 12-01-06
Updated: 12-21-06
1. Chapter 1 by KendalLogan
2. Chapter 2 by KendalLogan
3. Chapter 3 by KendalLogan
4. Chapter 4 by KendalLogan
5. Chapter 5 by KendalLogan
6. Chapter 6 by KendalLogan
7. Chapter 7 by KendalLogan
8. Chapter 8 by KendalLogan
9. Chapter 9 by KendalLogan
10. Chapter 10 by KendalLogan
11. Chapter 11 by KendalLogan
If you ever need a place to cry
Baby, come to me
Come to me
I've always known that you were born to fly
But you can come to me
If the world breaks your heart
No matter where on earth you are
You can come to me-Celine Dion
Dear Nobody,
It’s been three days since I’ve known you, and in those three days I’ve felt nothing but regret. It was all my fault that you’re here, and it’s my fault you’ll be staying, if I hadn’t made that vow to not kill another living creature you’d be gone by now, and I would have felt nothing; nothing at all.
Who are you anyway, what are you? Human or just a pile of DNA crushed together by nature; no, you are the result of what happens for not wearing protection, a product of life that has no physical form. You are what happens when the egg and sperm meet after one stupid night of nothingness.
You are my depressant, and forever will you remain that way. I didn’t want you, I never will, you weren’t planned, you are not loved. You are what builds the hate up inside my stomach; you are my display of resentment. You are the nobody that brings the tears to my eyes when I sleep.
You are something that I could never love…
…and yet I try…
…I try so hard…
…but I could never find it in my heart to forgive you…
…for ruining my life.
Ororo…
There are no raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses.
It's sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses
At the shade of the sheets and before all the stains
And a few more of your least favorite things-Panic! At the disco
Dear Nobody,
Last night I dreamt about you, you were only a baby in my dream, but I could hear your thoughts, almost as if you were talking to me. I heard you say “mommy why did you write such nasty things?” And to that I had no answer. If I could turn back time I would, and I’d burn that letter down to the last corner.
I was scared, I still am, and I blamed such a small creature for all my mistakes, not just this one. I’m sorry my child if I hurt you, if I ever hurt you, I just don’t want to raise my hopes up to high, what if I lose you? I’ll be on my own again, and who knows when I’ll next feel like this.
…please forgive me…
…I won’t stop asking until you do…
…you can hate me if you like…
…I’m just sorry for hating you…
…for even saying it.
Ororo…
I don't need your sympathy
There's nothing you can say or do for me
And I don't want a miracle
You'll never change for no one-Cher
Dear Nobody,
I know it’s much like my last letter, but I can never forgive myself for the words I used against you.
I’m scared…I’m sorry.
I saw you again today, my heart fluttered at the sight of you, it’s strange to think how our emotions can change so quickly. I cried when you flashed up on the screen, but I felt happy, not sad or angry, just happy. All the doubt left me, I’m still scared of what will happen when they all find out, I can’t hide you forever.
I keep looking at your photograph, you’re beautiful. My doctor told me it would pass, she said I was just scared, after all I wasn’t expecting to have you in my life, and you’ll change everything. You’re so small, but terrifying all the same.
You’re not the only one that’s changing though, I get tired more often now, I get sick, and I have mood swings, all of which I could do without right now, but every expecting other feels that way about all the bodily changes. Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I just want to reply ‘no I’m dying’ because that’s how I feel, not because of you, because of me, it’s all because of me, when I think about you I can only smile.
It’s been hardly any time at all since my last letter to you, or was it for me? I guess these letters I write to you will be my strengths, to help me to prepare myself through all the stages in which you’ll grow.
Anyway, it has been hardly any time since I last wrote, and already I find myself not trying so hard to find a way to love you, I guess I already did I was just to scared and angry to realise it.
…It’s not you I regret…
…I take that back…
…I don’t hate you, I could never…
…fear only blinded my love for you…
…forgive me.
Ororo…
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with-Kelly Clarkson
Dear Nobody,
Your somebody now, aren’t you? You look like a fish or a tadpole, or what should be a human being. I haven’t told them yet, I guess I should, I would be easier if I told them than them finding out. I’m sure Jean knows, Auntie Jean that is. The biggest problem is telling your father, I don’t think he’s ever been told he’s going to be a daddy, and to be honest I don’t know if he likes kids or babies rather.
Will he regret it like I did? The night that is, not you. In my first letter I wrote ‘and in those three days I’ve felt nothing but regret’ and now I wonder if I was talking about you or about that night, I’m confused, much like I was then. Maybe I was writing about neither, that I was just trying to match up an emotion to what I was truly feeling-I can try to believe it but it would be wrong to.
One day I’ll tell you what happened, well the full version and you’ll have to be much older than you are now, a lot older. The shorter version is that we got drunk, stupid and vulnerable, and vulnerability can lead to lots of bad situations, but you’re one of the good situations, and I’m happy about that.
I’ll tell them tonight at dinner, I promise I will. I’ll write to you later to tell you about it, and if I don’t you know I broke my promise.
…I will give you a thousand promises…
…and this is the first…
…my second is to name you…
…so you will always be in my heart and mind…
…How’s Kendal…
….Kendal-Logan.
Ororo…
Write to you very soon…
Ororo went down stairs slowly, almost unnoticeably. She watched quietly as what she considered to be her family made their way into the dinning room. She followed tensely, as her mind raced on to what she might say. Was she just to say a simple “I’m pregnant” or to go into a longer more complicated speech?
She remained standing when all the others sat and became engage into other more meaningless conversation, until Jean said “Aren’t you going to sit down Ororo?” Everybody turned their attention to her and she suddenly felt hot, and more nervous than she already was. Her cheeks flushed.
“Actually no, I’ve got an announcement to make first,” She took a deep breath before speaking again, “it may come as quite a shock but-” She stopped and looked at Logan as if to say ‘I’m talking to you, and only you so please don’t be mad.’
Jean took hold of Ororo’s hand and smiled gently, “Ororo,”
Ororo shook her head and smiled back, “I’m pregnant…” whispers started to spread around the table as did congratulations’, and thankfully nobody asked who the father was. But Ororo still felt as if they knew, and that their whispers were only ‘I told you so’s’.
After everyone had eaten and the table was cleared, Ororo went in search of Logan; he hadn’t looked at her or said a word to her all night. When she found him, her body failed her, her legs went numb and she found it a chore to move, she lost her voice too.
“What do ya want ‘Ro?” He asked over his shoulder, not bothering to stand up from his place on the couch. Ororo found her way around the couch and sat next to him, swallowing hard.
“I just want you to know that-“
“That I’m the father?” He interrupted, but Ororo shook her head.
“No, because you already know that, I just wanted to tell you that you can be involved in this child’s life as much as you want, but that’s only if you want to.” She said placing her hand atop of his.
At her touch he pulled away, “I don’t wanna have anythin’ ta do with ya kid ‘Ro, as far as I’m concerned it ain’t mine, just a reminder o’ sumthing that should never have happened.” He stood and started walking out of the room, but it wasn’t just the room.
“Logan,” Ororo called softly, “I’m sorry, I should have told you first.”
Logan turned to face her and said, “I don’t care that you didn’t tell me ‘Ro, all I care ‘bout is having that kid stay away from me.”
“Logan please,” Ororo begged, forcing down the tears that shone so clearly in her eyes.
“Just stay the fuck away from me ‘Ro.” He said leaving her feel deserted for sure.
With no one beside her, Ororo let the tears fall.
Long after the softening hum of his motor bike stop, did Ororo put pen to paper and write to her ‘Dear Nobody’.
Dear Kendal (Nobody),
I told them, they didn’t seem all so surprised either, I knew they’d know, they congratulated me, and asked to see my first scan. Logan however stayed quiet, and I felt guilty for not telling him first. When I did tell him, that you’re his baby, he stood up and left, and did what he does best, makes grown women feel like teenage girls, pathetic and weak. I went after your day of course he said he didn’t want to have anything to do with us, so I said fine, it was stupid I know.
That’s all I wanted to tell you for now,
Good night.
I can see you’re sad
Even when you smile
Even when you laugh
I can see it in your eyes
Deep inside, you wanna cry
Cuz you’re scared I ain’t there?
Daddy’s with you in your prayers-Eminem
Dear Nobody,
When I got back I read the letters your mom wrote while she was sleepin’, I cried fer her, an’ fer me that’s a big thing.
I knew what she was goin’ to say as she stayed standin’ as the rest of us sat down, I’d kinda been waiting a long time fer her to say it, after all, I knew about ya just before she did, I could smell ya, I knew ya were mine too.
I should never have pushed yer mother away like that, I should have said sumthin’ better like “I’ll be as involved as possible, as long as yer sure ya want me to be”, but that just ain’t me, never has been, always pushing the people I love most away. I don’t want ya to get hurt, neither of ya. Its best ya never know about me being yer dad, but to know me as yer uncle who says he’ll be ‘round fer Christmas, but sends Christmas cards instead, I’d prefer it to be that way.
Ya’ll never get this letter, but I thought I’d write it anyway, so if ya ever find it when I’m gone you can tell yer mother I love her, both of yers, and ya can tell her that for the first time in his life the Wolverine has actually felt true fear, and as usual I’ve been to stupid and ‘macho’ to admit to that.
…I’m always wrong and god ya better believe it kid…
…I’m sorry darlin’ for causing yer hurt…
…I wish I could take it back…
…and at the same time I don’t…
…you’d only get hurt…
Logan...
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you-Brian Adams
Dear Kendal (Nobody),
Are you a girl or a boy? I think that maybe I should have asked myself that before naming you, but I don’t care, Kendal-Logan can be used for both genders, can’t it? Oh well, its too late now, the name has grown on me, as have you. You’re all I can think about, all my other problem are out of sight and out of mind, much like…
It’s funny, but now that you’re out in the open people have been watching me, (us), not in the freaky stalking way, just in the looking out for us type watching, in away it’s nice but it is starting to get on my nerves a little bit. Oh and before I forget, Jean wants to know how you enjoyed dinner last night, I told her you didn’t like it because I brought it all back up this morning, I could be wrong though.
You’re probably wondering why I was so busy this morning, well to be honest with you I was looking for…Logan…stupid of me I know but I wanted to try and clear the air, I didn’t though, find him that is, there wasn’t a note like there usually is when he leaves so suddenly, and I don’t know why I was expecting one, do I deserve one? Do I still deserve you after what I said about you?
Other than you, do you know what I really want? Probably not, I’ll tell you now, I want your father in the picture, I just don’t know how much hurt it will cause. We wouldn’t be the most perfect couple in the world, but what would you class as a perfect couple?
…are we the perfect couple…
…you and me that is…
…would we savor every moment we have together…
…as if it was our last…
…or would we take that time for granted…
Ororo…
You got no excuses for the way you treated me
And I don't compremise to easily
let's stay together
to see what we've become
give me live, give me live, for what I've done-Daniel Powter
Hey sport,
I got the urge to write to ya again, don’t ask me why, I could do with out the questions...fine I’ll tell ya, it’s ‘cause wit’ me I can’t express my feeling with spoken words, but the other day when I wrote to ya, I felt better, ya made me feel better, an’ you ain’t even breathing yet.
I wanna watch ya grow kid, really I do, but I don’t think yer mommy could ever forgive me fer what I did and more besides, she has a big heart, there’s so much love there, there just ain’t no more room fer me: I can understand that, an’ I don’t mind it, she has you now to give all her love to. In a matter o’ months I’ll be out of sight and out of mind, like I once was.
I’ll get Jeannie to send me the ultra scan pictures, just so I can see how yer growing, I’ll send ya yer first Christmas card, an’ then I’ll be gone, I promise, I don’t wanna raise any hopes up. Some good advice kid, don’t ever get on yer moms bad side, she can get real angry.
…maybe I’ll write again…
…I just don’t know yet…
…do ya want me to write…?
…I will if ya want me too…
Logan…
Are we growing up or just going down
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears and put them on ice
'Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light-Fall out boy
Dear Kendal-Logan,
It’s not your fault and so keep that in mind, I’ve gone into a depressive stage again that’s why, their all worried about me, and I’m more worried about Logan, he’s been gone for a month now and not a single word, no calls, no letters, no nothing. We’ve been together for five months now, and this is the lowest I’ve ever been. Damn hormones.
I hope he’s alive and well, knowing Logan he will be, I’m just being stupid enough to worry…
xxx
”I’m worried about her Scott, it’s almost Christmas and with ‘Ro like this what can I say, it just doesn’t feel…”
“Christmassy,” Scott offered, Jean nodded in response, “I know, but what can we do, she’s quite happy just sitting there and writing.” Scott said looking over at his old friend who had curled herself up on the window seat with a pad of paper rested on her lap.
“It’s not just that though Scott, she’s waiting for him, and this time I don’t think he’s ever coming back.” Jean studied Scotts features hoping that his expression would give some kind of reassurance; it didn’t.
“I wonder what she’s writing about.” Scott muttered, looking at Jean who simply shrugged, dismissing his comment.
“She knows we’re watch her,” This time it was Scotts turn to shrug, “Come on, she wants to be left alone.” Scott nodded and followed his wife out the door, he stopped on hearing Ororo’s voice whisper “Logan, please come home.” He looked at her and she to him, he nodded and gave her the reassuring smile that jean had been looking for earlier on, she did not however smile back, instead she turned her attention back to her paper.
xxx
…Why do they do that, talk about me in ear shot, I know they only want what’s best for me, for us rather, I’d only wish they could do it in their own private quarters.
Do you think your auntie Jean is right, that your daddy won’t come back? Ha, I called him your daddy, I know I’ve called him your father but the two words seem so much different to me, calling him your daddy seems more believable and yet I don’t know why, they have the same meanings after all...
How are you anyway, is my uterus comfy enough for you, or do you feel cramped with me sitting like I am? I hope I’m not hurting you, I doubt that I am. I heard a bird sing early this morning and it made me cry, it made me think such happy thoughts that it brought tears to my eyes, though then again it came about just as quick as me shouting at kitty yesterday-hormones, it always leads back to the hormones.
…maybe this happens for a reason…
…for our hormones to go on the fritz…
…maybe it prepares expecting mothers…
…to how a new life may make them feel…
…or maybe I’m just being stupid…
Ororo…
I wanted freedom
Bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted
Now that you know I'm trapped sense of elation
You'd never dream of
Breaking this fixation-Muse
Kid,
I wrote poem for ya, it won’t be any good, but at least I tried, I ain’t usually into this kinda stuff so here goes…
…Let me…
…wrap my arms around ya,
And hold ya to my heart,
I’d never let ya go though,
Fer this is the best part,
Let my fingers feel yer softness,
Let my eyes see ya smile,
Let my lips give ya kisses,
Let me fill ya up inside.
I will give ya quiet promises,
And stick to every word,
So listen to what mommy says,
And start life like a bird,
Let my voice be yer comfort,
Let my singin’ keep ya safe,
Let my love keep ya breathin’,
Let me breathe my last breath.
You’ve grown so fast, still please forgive,
All the times I wasn’t there,
For now I will always be with ya,
In the sun: sea and air.
Let my face give recognition,
Let my touch open up yer eyes,
Let my beating heart surround ya,
From the worlds cruelest lies.
That’s all I got so far, I don’t think I’ll be adding more to it, it makes me feel like a real pansy. I ain’t the type fer poetry; bike rides and beer, you could say that sums me up.
How long have I been gone now? One month maybe, an’ that month has given me sum thinking time. I miss ya kid, I miss yer scent and the way it mixes with yer mothers, I miss her an’ all.
…I guess you could say…
…I love her…
…that absence does make the heart grow fonder…
…I need to see her…
…to come home…
Logan…
Chapter 10 by KendalLogan
Trying to forget all that we’ve be through
How can I lie and fool myself
Knowing just how much I feel for you-Bonnie Tyler
Dear Kendal,
Their all looking after me so well, I would say us but for now you’re a part of me, I wish it could stay that way, but nothing lasts forever, not even love, other wise Logan would be here by my side, but he’s not (tear splashes on to page). He never loved me, he never could. All the people who have ever loved me have left this life to lead another; I don’t want that to happen to him because it’s never nice to die inside.
How do you like to fly? I know one day I’ll get to ask you in person but for now I can’t, I hope you enjoy it just as much as I do, it’s a great release from everything, I love it so much that one day you’ll fly with me, it’ll be something we’ll share forever as well as a load of other things, and I can already tell you that you’ll sore through life as if your on wings, and no matter what’s thrown at you, I’ll always be proud of you; always, even if you choose to live life as a murderer, a rapist or even a poet.
I wonder if Logan’s ever written poetry…probably not, he doesn’t care enough to express himself so beautifully, a quick shag is more his style, I should know.
Thank the lord, only two months to go; hopefully they’ll come around fast (like your father). You’re giving me such terrible back pain.
…It’s all worth it though…
…the wait: the pain…
…the weight I’ve gained…
…being waited on hand and foot…
…even the heart ache and sleepless nights…
Ororo…
...he’ll be home soon, I can finally feel it...
Chapter 11 by KendalLogan
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?-Snow Patrol
Kid,
I rang home only a few hours ago from now, I wanted to talk to yer mommy, to tell her how everythin’ was gunna be alright and how much I loved her, course I didn’t get the nice welcomin’ voice that I usually get, or who any caller might get, just an impatient hello from yer auntie Jean. What she said to me is still clear in my mind…
“Logan I can’t talk right now I’m sorry!” Jean said down the phone’s receiver.
“JEAN!” Ororo cried to her best friend, tears were streaming down her cheeks like water falls, “Who’s on the phone Jean?” She asked with false hopes in her eyes. *It’s him, isn’t it?*
“Logan I have to go-” Jean said impatiently.
“No, Wait lemme talk to her, lemme talk to ‘Ro.” Logan could her screaming in the background, it scared him. “What’s going on Jean?” he asked.
With a deep breath Jean replied, “Ororo’s in labor.”
Without any other word Jean hung up on her end leaving Logan speechless, “No, oh no…no…‘RO!” he shouted slamming the phone down.
With in seconds he was gone.
…I’m here now in the hospital listening to yer mothers cries just like everybody else. I haven’t seen her yet, I haven’t even had the guts to go there yet and say hi, I’m terrified. Do ya know what the worst part of sittin’ out here is? I have everyone lookin’ over at me wondering what in shittin’ hell I’m doin’, and what I’m writin’. They’re a load of nosy lil’ fuckers I can tell ya.
Damn…there’s another contraction. God I swear my ear drums will start to burst soon. I wish I was in there in stead of Jean, I should be in there but I’m not, I’d be sick or somethin’ I mean how can a whole little person come of out-well-ya-know…there.
I wonder how big she is, or she was or whatever. Aw shit now I’m cryin’, I wasn’t there for any of it, I’m already a bad parent, I shouldn’t even be here…
…but I am…
…I wanted to be here…
…for yer mother…
…and to finally meet you…
…and to come home...
Logan…
Standing up, Logan scrunched the letter up into his front jean pocket. He took one last look at the room Ororo was in and started to make his way out.
“Logan, wait,” Jean said taking a hold of his wrist, “She’s asking for you.”
“So…” He said trying to act nonchalant, but failing terribly as his emotions took hold of his face. He looked so young and so afraid in that single moment, and that’s how Jean knew, he truly did love her.
“So go in there Logan, tell her that you wanna be with her, that you love her more than anything else, tell her that nothing means more to you than her and that baby.”
“How,” he said, as tears burnt through his vision.
“I don’t know, just try.” Jean replied as she wrapped him in an embracing hug, he hugged her back and gave a light chuckle. “What?” she asked pulling back.
“A few years ago that would have done a serious load of damage…for you o’ course.”
“I know.” She said enveloping him into another hug. Pulling away Logan made his way back to Ororo room. Jean smiled at him warmly as he opened the door and walked though it.
“Hey…”
Ororo lay on the bed with the eyes closed as she rested for the only free moment she had, her fingers entwined with Logan’s. Her eyes automatically opened as she heard foot steps come up towards the bed. She smiled at the nurse and the small bundle in her arms.
“Your daughter, Miss Munroe,” the nurse said handing over the sleeping baby girl. Ororo smiled as her daughter was placed gently into her arms.
“She’s perfect.” Ororo said leaning into Logan’s embrace as he sat on the bed next to her. Ororo smiled finding it hard to look away from the sleeping form
“I know this is a bit sudden, but have you both chosen a name yet?” The nurse said, Ororo looked up at Logan and smiled.
“There is one I like.” Ororo said looking at her baby again.
“And what would that be?”
“Kendal,” Logan said kissing a bewildered Ororo on the forehead, “her names Kendal-Logan.”
“How did you…?” Ororo said looking at Logan, searching for some indication of how he knew Ororo’s desired name.
“I read your letters, or some of them, the ones that were there anyway.” He paused as he watched Ororo’s face change, “I wrote some too.” Ororo looked at him confused. Her mouth opened but no words came out. Logan dug into his jean pocket and pulled out a piece of wrinkled paper, and handed it too her, “I wrote this one when I got here.” Her slender hand took it from him, but she didn’t dare read it, she tucked it under the hospital pillow and kissed him gently.
“I love you Logan,” She said, “so I want you to promise me that you’ll never to go through such personal things again.”
“I promise ‘Ro, an’ if it means anything, I love you too.”
Jean watched through the open door onto the new family. Ororo and Logan had fallen asleep only moments ago, with Kendal sleeping in between. She smiled with only one remaining thought on her mind…
…it was still unfinished…
End.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.