A moth into a butterfly
And a lie
Into the sweetest truth
I'm so afraid of life


I’m watching her. It seems ta be all I’m able ta do lately. Her in her little greenhouse, in her office, in a classroom, in any room. I shouldn’t be feeling the way that I do, not after everything. First Rogue, the kids, and then Jean. Everything I come close to either disappears, is threatened, or dies one way or another whether it’s by me or because of me. That can’t happen anymore. I won’t let it. Not to her.

I try
To call your name but I'm
Silenced by the fear of dying in your heart once again


It’s my nature ya know, comin’ and goin’. I can’t help it, it’s all I remember, it’s all I really know. I can’t say that hangin’ around here’s changed that because I’d be lyin’. If it hurts her or not, she probably wouldn’t tell me, at least not without the fires o’ Hell pickin’ at her feet. She’s damn stubborn that way and while it pisses me off sometimes, I like it. That’s a problem. But she doesn’t need, doesn’t deserve someone like me. I’ve probably hurt her enough as is without thinkin’ about it. Just waitin’ for tha day she tells me ta never come back.

I see the seasons changing
And in the heart of this autumn I fall
With the leaves from the trees


Time’s passed. Don’t know why I’m still here………………..yeah I do.

I play dead
To hide my heart
Until the world gone dark fades away


So what do I do now? No fuckin’ clue really. I can’t let her know anything. How it ain’t my nightmares that’re keepin’ me awake, it’s her. It sounds crazy and it probably is but fightin’ it gets that much harder every damn second. Not sure how much longer I can keep it up, not sure that I can.

I cry
Like God cries the rain
And I'm just one step away from the end of today


Just walk out the door. That’s all I have to do, one foot in front o’ tha other. It’d all be over, I’d forget about feeling anything for her. I realize how wrong it should feel an’ I’m terrified by how it doesn’t. Me. Terrified. By her o’ all people. No, not by her, but by this feeling that I know I can’t give a name to because if I do then it becomes real.

I see the reasons changing
And in the warmth of the past I crawl
Scorched by the shame


I still think about what I did on the island. What I had to do. At least that’s what she tells me an’ I make myself believe it because if I don’t that jus’ makes me a murderer. A killer. Nothing like having a mirror shoved in yer face ta see yerself for who you really are. She doesn’t blame me she’s told me more than once. Says I have a thick skull. But I believe her, makes me feel like maybe there’s a part o’ me that ain’t damaged. The good guy.

I play dead
To hide my heart
Until the world gone dark fades away


It’s not right. First Jean, then her. No, this time’s different because she’s different. In every way. She’d probably laugh in my face or fry me, give or take, if I told I lo….have feelings fer her. But I ain’t one ta put her through the train wreck that I am. Could call it nobility, I call it courtesy.

I stay dead
Until you veil my scars and say goodbye to fate
Before it's too late
(Before it’s too late)
Before it’s too late


She doesn’t know what she does ta me. How can one woman make ya feel like maybe, just maybe, ya aren’t tha monster that you think…….know that ya are? Ya see I can’t let myself fall into that illusion because that’s exactly what it is, an illusion. But God help me jus’ for wanting to…….

I play dead
To hide my heart
Until the world gone dark fades away


I need to leave. This ain’t about bein’ a coward or tryin’ ta stick it to anybody. I have ta get as far away from everyone and everything that reminds me o’ her which ain’t easy considerin’ not openin’ my eyes ever again ain’t exactly an option. But I can’t let her see or let her know that she’s under my skin. Every word, every sound, every look. Everything.

I stay dead
Until you veil my scars and say goodbye to fate


Oh no, she’s lookin’ at me now. She’s walkin’ towards me, smilin’ at me. There’s a million an’one things I could do right now. I could be honest with her. What if she runs from me? I can take a lot o’ things but don’t think I could take that kind o’ hurt. I could say somethin’ horrible ta her, make her mad, make her hate me. She should hate me It’d make leaving easier. But she doesn’t hate me; she won’t no matter how nasty I can be. I’ll never understand that. I close my eyes an’ shake my head. She puts her hand on my arm an’ asks me what’s wrong.

Before it’s too late……


I’m done, it’s too late. I don’t wanna play dead anymore…





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