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Author's Chapter Notes:
Oh geez, I can't believe it's ending. It's been a journey. Only one more chapter to go!
Secret Burdens

Chapter Twenty Four: Home

"Home wasn't about 'easy' or 'escape'. It was about labor. It was about endurance. It was about fighting for someone when they found no reason to fight for themselves."

* * *

"This is about Shrap, isn't it?" Logan couldn't help the low tremble of his voice as he asked the question, watching Ororo in her place before him on the floor of the Danger Room.

Ororo leveled him with an even stare, her features unreadable. "Why did you not kill him?"

It wasn't the question he had expected. He furrowed his brows at her for a second. "Would you rather I had?"

Ororo eyed him in a way that told him she was disappointed he'd even ask. Something about it made the anger flare up in him. She shouldn't have to ask the question to know the answer.

"You know I detest killing, Logan. That is not the issue at hand. The issue is the reason why you halted."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "You already know why, darlin'." His voice was low and Ororo swore she heard an accusation in there somewhere.

Her nostrils flared in frustration. "Why?" she pressed again.

"What do ya want me to say?" he nearly growled, raising himself up to sit straight up and gesture in the air before them. "Want me to tell ya how I wish I had? How I wish I'd gutted the bastard right there? How I still smell his blood on my hands and I like it?"

That last one sent a shudder up Ororo's back and she couldn't help the way she looked to the side and away from him, the way the anger began to slowly rise in her as well.

Logan hates the way she cannot meet his eyes when he says it. He snarled as he continued. "Well, guess what, darlin'? It's all true. This is me. That won't change. I'm still going to look back and wish I'd ended it with my own hands."

Ororo looked back to him, her hands trembling, her throat tight. "Do not speak like that, Logan." It is getting more and more difficult to remember the words she had spoken to Hank in Logan's defense. He makes wanting to fight for him so damn hard.

"Not what you wanted to hear, Storm? Too bad. You know I only stopped for you. I couldn't give a damn about the consequences. Who the fuck cares if that bastard dies anyway? But if I had – " Logan stopped suddenly, watching her through heated eyes.

Ororo swallowed thickly, waiting for him to continue.

His eyes were dark and unflinching. "If I had killed him, you would never forgive me for it."

She opened her mouth but he stopped her with a finger in the air pointed at her, his growl of exasperation interrupting her. "Don't even fuckin' try to argue about that with me. You know it and I know it. Killing him would have finished whatever this is between us. Don't pretend that it wouldn't. Don't pretend that you feel enough for me to overcome that stupid, annoying self-righteous attitude." He had raised himself up on his knees in his flurry of words to look down on her, his body thrumming with frustration. They were too far into this to sugarcoat it, too deep into trust to dress this up in pretty clothes and pretend that it didn't matter. They were too steeped in this unknowable tangle of emotion to leave behind ugly words and blatant truths. Logan knew they owed each other the brutal honesty of what this meant for them, the respect of not coddling each other with a smokescreen to cover the mess. He had no problem telling it to her straight, no problem reminding her of the man he really was.

Ororo scoffed at his words, moving to her knees as well, raising herself to his level so he wasn't towering over her. "Do not presume to know me, Logan." Her eyes narrowed imperceptibly, and her voice was a dangerous, low hum. "There is much you still have to learn about me if you think it is so simple."

"And you've got a helluva lot to learn about me if you think I give a rat's ass about what's 'right' and what's 'good.' Fuck the consequences. I did it because I'm selfish. Because I'm not ready to give you up." His body was dangerously close to hers, close enough to feel the heat of her anger emanating from her, to feel the slight crackle of electricity in her hair.

"Stop," she seethed through clenched teeth, her fingers clenching into fists at her sides. "Stop trying to pretend that is all you are. Stop trying to prove you are something you are not any longer."

"Wake up, Storm," he yelled into the air, his hand sweeping out to gesture wildly. "This is me. This is the man you're getting involved with. I'm not going to change, sweetheart, so you better get used to it, or get out while you can." His words were hissed through the clench of his jaw, his chest heaving with his breathes.

Ororo blew an exasperated breath through her lips, rolling her eyes at him and the motion made Logan want to shake her. He grabbed her by the forearms. She blinked in surprise at the sudden motion, watched his eyes as they fixed to hers, felt his hot breath on her cheeks.

"I'm not some goddamned project for your stupid fucking sense of justice. I'm not some broken man that needs fixin'." He growled at her as he held her there, and something broke in his voice as he watched her through frenzied eyes. "You can't save me, Storm."

Ororo blinked at him, silenced suddenly at the desperate and heated look in his eye. She had only a moment to suck in a sharp breath at the image before his mouth was on hers. His hand reached to her head to hold her there firmly, his fingers tight in her hair and Ororo was so surprised by the action she remained motionless for a couple seconds. Then she was pushing at his chest, trying to pull from his needy grip, her protest muffled by his demanding lips. Her mouth broke from his with a harsh breath.

"Stop, Logan!" She pulled in a sharp and pained breath at his force, feeling him yank her closer so that their chests pressed tightly together. Her eyes were suddenly wet and she blinked fiercely at him, shaking her head in stunned alarm.

His breath was hot against her lips, his body hard and fixed against hers. "This is me, Storm. I take what I want. Don't you fucking get it?" His brows furrowed as he trembled against her, as he held her body forcefully to his, his hand tightening in her hair. He looked to her lips, slightly swollen from his brutal kiss, and something primal flared inside him. He licked his own lips as he watched, transfixed to her trembling mouth.

"You cannot scare me away, Logan." Her words are quivering and soft, but not from fear.

Logan looked back to her eyes. It almost broke him right there.

She pulled in a shaky, hesitant breath and raised a hand to his cheek, her anger and trepidation and need swirling together until she cannot discern one from the other. Until all she feels is the harsh and clenched throbbing of her heart. Until she wonders why she cannot stop shaking. Until she looks at Logan and recognizes what fear looks like in his gaze.

She swallowed tightly, braced her hand against his cheek and held his gaze. "Nothing you say can make me think any less of you. Nothing you say can change what I know. What I have seen. What I have come to care for in you."

Logan ground his teeth and released her suddenly, harshly, his eyes to the floor as he leaned back.

"The man I see does not need saving."

Logan flicked his gaze to hers. He couldn't understand her boundless loyalty. He couldn't understand how she could sit there and speak these words to him when he hurts her so. He curled his hands into fists in his lap and watched the white clenching of his knuckles.

"The man I see is so much more than you know." She said it as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. As though she believed it. As though he deserved it.

He closed his eyes at the soft lilt of her voice and exhaled slowly. "You don't understand. Your instincts are to sacrifice yourself. Mine…" he trailed off, his breath slowing from his receding anger. "Mine are bloody. And vengeful. And…selfish."

Ororo leaned back as well, resting against her legs as they kneeled there on the floor of the Danger Room. She did not move to touch him. "They are."

Logan sighed and opened his eyes to watch his fists in his lap.

"But can you not see that they are evolving? They are changing." Her voice is fluid and sure around them. "Perhaps you were once a man who would not give a second thought to dealing death. But in these last years, you have proven your hidden compassion. You have allowed us glimpses into the good and decent nature of your heart, as much as you may deny it. You have given of yourself in ways I am humbled by." Her words are tinged with warm tears and Logan lifts his head at the sound. She has a hand braced to her chest where her heart beats beneath the weight of emotions she still cannot name. Her eyes demand from him more than he has ever dared to give before. More than he has ever dared to struggle.

Logan tried to form words but everything seemed useless in the face of her determined gaze. Everything felt so staggering and heavy and just…hard. It shouldn't be this hard to hear those words. He shouldn't be so hesitant to take a step. He shouldn't be this terrified of change.

"You are stronger than this," she urged. "Do not run away from it. Do not throw away all that you have become. Fight for it." Her gaze was hard, her voice challenging. She would not let him take the easy way out. She would not let him fall. "And I will fight with you."

Logan moved to her and gathered her in his arms, his hold tight now in an urgent, fearful way that it wasn't before. In a desperate quake of need that had nothing to do with her body. She held him there for a long time, as they breathed together in the empty and quiet room.

She held him there until the fear was only a distant memory, until he felt the sick regret of stagnation. Until he felt the spark of something more than what he used to be.

* * *

"I am resigning as leader of the X-Men."

There were several long moments as all her teammates, Bobby, Peter, Kitty, Warren and Logan, stared at her from their seats in the conference room. Ororo stood before them at the head of the table, calmly and unflinchingly watching them.

Logan was the first to speak. "What the fuck are ya on about now, Storm?" It was an exasperated sigh, and Ororo felt her indignation rising in her, pulling her shoulders back and expelling a breath through her flared nostrils.

"I am resigning as leader of the X-Men," she repeated, slowly.

Bobby moved his mouth to speak, and then closed it, his brows furrowing together as he move a hand to rub his chin and he looked at his teammates.

They were in the same boat of speechless disbelief.

Peter leaned forward, resting his arms across the table. "Storm…uh, why? I mean this is…well, unexpected is an understatement."

Warren looked between her and Logan as though the answer were there, but the Wolverine, upon catching his gaze, only shrugged, one hand coming up in the air as though to say "I don't fucking know, don't look at me."

Kitty pursed her lips and looked at Storm. "But…we don't want another leader." Her voice was soft and confused, but there was a steadfast determination resting behind it.

Ororo only sighed and looked to her hands momentarily. She pulled her shoulders back and raised her gaze to land on each of her X-Men in turn. "I have spoken to Hank about this, before he returned to Washington. And though he still continues to comment on my determination as 'absurd' we have –"

"Fuckin' bullshit is what it is," Logan breathed under his breath, though purposefully loud enough to be heard by all.

Ororo narrowed her eyes at him and ground her teeth together.

He rolled his eyes slightly but leaned back into his chair, one hand raised in defense, reluctantly waiting for the end of her speech.

Ororo clucked her tongue and continued. "We have both agreed that a co-leader implementation would be best. As a seasoned X-Man, Hank would be the most suitable for the role. However, his duties as an ambassador limit his possible time commitment. And I cannot, truth be told, trust the leadership of this squad fully in the hands of any of you."

She said it without apology. And perhaps it was the lingering stun of the initial announcement that kept the X-Men quiet, but none of them moved to challenge her assumption of their leadership capabilities.

"Therefore," she continued, calmly, "it appears that the best solution would be to establish co-leader positions. We can arrange try-outs and –"

"'Try-outs'? What is this, a kickball league?" Logan cut in.

Ororo huffed as she turned to him. "One more interruption, Logan, and you will be dismissed from this meeting and eliminated as a candidate. Do you understand?" Her eyes flashed dangerously at him.

Logan couldn't help the smirk that slowly spread across his mouth at her look, but he remained silent. This was too good to miss.

Returning to her previous calm composure, she looked back to her other teammates. "As I was saying, we can arrange try-outs and practice sessions, run some simulations in the Danger Room, and then vote on our choice of squadmate to share leadership with Hank. I would not consider it fair were I to choose the co-leader. That should be a squad decision."

Several more moments of quiet passed as the others took in this information. Finally, Bobby looked up and spoke. "Then as a member of this squad, I vote for you, Storm."

Ororo blinked at Bobby's comment, and then felt the soft, appreciative turn of her lips as she smiled sadly at him. "Bobby, I appreciate your faith in me but I do not think that –"

"I second the vote." Kitty bounced in her seat, turning her impish smile to Ororo as though it settled the matter.

Ororo put a hand to her forehead and sighed. "Look, this is not up for deba-"

"You never answered our question." Peter's voice rose above the table.

Slapping the hand on her forehead back to her side, Ororo snapped at her fellow X-Men. "Okay, what is with all the interruptions today?"

Logan only crossed his arms and chuckled, watching the scene play out before him.

She shot him a warning look.

"You still haven't told us why you're resigning," Peter voiced once more.

Ororo watched them all silently as she played the words along her tongue. She saw Logan sitting still and expectant across the table. There was a look to his face that told her he suspected the reason, something that told her he had heard this trepidation from her before. But he would make her say it. She swallowed thickly and moved her gaze to the rest of her squad. There was nothing demanding in their gazes, only patient understanding, only respect and concern and childlike uncertainty. She looked at each of their faces.

These were the faces.

These were the friends she risked when she abandoned her duty as leader, when she threw all composure to the wind for one stupid, useless bullet. For one chance to protect someone dear. For one moment of idiotic impulse that she cannot take back. That she doesn't want to take back. But she knew the consequences. She knew the demands of command. And she didn't think she deserved their respect when her own heart was so weak.

She didn't think she could protect them when her own heart was so swayed.

She shook her head, closing her eyes at the thought, her short expel of breath both a disbelief and a chastising of her thoughts. Her hands gripped the table before her. She opened her eyes to her team. She owed them the respect of her gaze. She owed them the respect of an answer when they sat their in their confusion, when her voice was the one thing they had never questioned.

"A leader…" she swallowed the hesitancy in her voice, pulled in a heavy breath and continued resolutely. "A leader must always remain in control. Objective. Aware. Unswayed by emotion in the heat of battle."

Her eyes flashed momentarily to Logan and she saw his arms tighten in their cross against his chest.

"I lost that when I threw myself in front of Logan. I am not too proud to admit that my instincts were to protect one I cared for. Deeply." Her voice was a low tremble, her eyes unwavering from Logan.

He did not turn his gaze from her. He did not move or blink or even breathe. He simply watched her, his eyes hard and unreadable, the scent of African acacias the only thing his senses registered.

Everyone remained silent as they watched their commander at the head of the table.

Her fingers twitched against the table, her chest rising in one steady, deep breath. "I put you all in danger when I acted on my own selfish impulses. I did not stop to rationally think of the group, the consequences, the implications. My emotions overcame my duties. I am no longer fit to lead you."

Her words ended on the faint note of a break in her voice. The barely-there hint that this sacrifice was almost more than she could bear. And if they sat their questioning her any longer she might just have to walk from the room to compose herself.

This was all she ever dreamed of. To be part of a family. To be respected and loved and important to someone. Xavier had shown her a glimpse of that future. He had opened up the possibility to her. He had shared his most sacred and beloved Dream with her and he had asked of her the greatest sacrifice she could give. They had each drudged up, from the depths of their characters, the passion and strength it took to enter into this brutal and taxing fight. She had promised Xavier her will and her steadfast loyalty. The Dream was all she lived for.

She didn't know how to split her soul with anything else.

She didn't know how to be an X-Man without sacrificing personal happiness.

She didn't know how to share herself with another, and not be wrong for it.

She looked at the faces before her. This was all she ever dreamed of.

"I don't care."

Ororo turned her head to Peter's unexpected voice. The rest of the team turned their gazes to him as well. He sat there with his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes sure and decided while they watched Ororo. There was even the slight quirk of his lips.

"I'm sorry?" Ororo asked, breathless.

"I don't care," he repeated.

She furrowed her brows at him.

He shifted in his seat. "I don't really care that you think you acted on some 'selfish impulse'. I don't really care that you now have this self-deprecating, unrealistically critical view on your leadership abilities. I don't really care that you feel you don't fit this impossible, rigid standard of a commander. Tough shit."

Logan raised a brow at Peter.

Ororo's mouth moved as though to speak but no words formed.

"You didn't act selfishly. You acted humanly," Peter continued, uncrossing his arms to lean forward, his eyes meaningful on Ororo.

Before she could answer, Bobby had already interrupted her.

"Your instincts tell you to protect those you love."

Her gaze fell on Bobby as he spoke, and something warm began to blossom in her chest.

Bobby sighed and leaned back in his seat, his smile nonchalant and comforting. "I can't think of anyone else worthy of representing the X-Men."

Logan watched the barely discernable tremors of Ororo's body as she listened, the faint scent of salt as her eyes grew wet.

Kitty moved to lean against the table as she brought her chin to rest in her palm. "You know Storm, I don't think I could follow some cold, unfeeling robot of a commander."

Ororo's smile was shaky as she locked eyes with Kitty.

The young mutant cocked her head and smiled at Ororo. "It's your humanity that inspires us. It's your emotions and your compassion that have endeared us to Xavier's Dream. I, for one, couldn't follow anyone less."

Ororo breathed in a sharp, teary breath that ached her whole chest through. Words failed her utterly.

Warren cocked his head to watch her, his eyes soft and understanding. His voice pulled her attention to him. "I don't think there's anyone else in this room we trust more, Storm. And I don't think there's anyone else we'd entrust the reputation of the X-Men to. You always told us 'We are each human first, mutant second'." Warren swallowed the heavy lodge of emotion in his throat, the scared and hesitant knowledge that outside these walls he was alone.

But here. These people. These breath-taking, accepting, steadfast people. This family. Here he felt human.

Ororo was a large part of that.

This family was nothing without her. And they would fight for no one else.

Her eyes landed on Logan, her shaky breath hesitant with words as she watched him silently.

He found his lips quirking into a smile without realizing. "Well," he started, a chuckle coming through, "the people have spoken. Don't think you've got much choice, darlin'."

She let out a short, tearful laugh, her hand coming up to cover her face as she shook her head. "Goddess, you are all so exasperatingly stubborn." She dared not show her crumbling face to them.

Logan smelled her salt tears all the same.

She wiped at her face momentarily, a laugh breaking through before raising her eyes to watch her team once more. "You are certain?"

Kitty smiled at her. "There was never any question."

Ororo nodded, her smile trembling with relief and humility and grace. This was her family. These were the ones she laughed with and bled with and ached with. Her eyes met Logan's and she knew she was home.





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