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Author's Chapter Notes:
Logan finally recognizes his feelings for Ororo for what they are.
Chapter 26 – Awareness

Relationship Status – pre

He sat under the cover of darkness, under the huge birch tree on the mansion’s grounds. From his vantage point, he had a great view of Ororo’s attic loft. It was dark, which meant she was already asleep. He took a deep pull on the cigar he had dangling between his lips as thoughts and emotions assailed him. He had been sitting and staring at her loft for the past hour, just as he had done for the past three nights, attempting to come to terms with the epiphany that had completely rocked his world.

He knew he should have refused Chuck’s offer to join his ragtag band and hit the road from the beginning. If he had followed his instincts, his life wouldn’t be the chaotic mess it currently was. Now, here he was, trapped, sunk, doomed or what the starry-eyed, hormone-crazy teenagers in this place called in love. He was in love for the very first time in his life. Well, at least for the first time he could remember in his long life and he absolutely hated it. Hell! He was the Wolverine. He didn’t do love, didn’t do relationships and commitment was a foreign concept to him. But damn, if he didn’t have feelings for the X-Men’s bossy co-leader. This awareness of his true feelings for her had totally bowled him over. It completely took him by surprise. But then again, was it really surprising? He should have seen this coming because their interactions with each other after getting pass their initial hiccups suggested that maybe, just maybe there was something simmering underneath. Something he had stubbornly refused to name and acknowledge. Something he had stubbornly refused to give credence too and hope for.

Logan took another pull on the cigar and closed his eyes savoring the nicotine coursing through his lungs. He struggled to remember the exact moment he fell in love with her, but couldn’t pinpoint it. What he did pinpoint was that he was already in love with her after that disastrous mission in which she was severely injured. However, he kept asking himself if there was an exact moment when he had fell in love with her. Looking back, he was pretty sure the answer was no. All he was able to conclude so far was that interacting with and building a friendship with each other had encouraged whatever it was that was boiling underneath to gradually evolve into what he now admitted, albeit to himself, was love. His mind wandered to her and he wondered if she felt something similar for him or even if she thought about him in that fashion. He growled softly. He seriously doubted it.

This was all so baffling to him. Just the other day, he had firmly believed that he was in love with the beautiful redheaded telekinetic telepath Jean Grey. Now, here he was with feelings for Ororo. Feelings he knew within the depths of his soul he had never felt before. These feelings he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt were unique and seemed to be on a whole new and different level, surpassing his feelings for Jean. He was confused about this to say the least. His feelings for the weather manipulator were beginning to force him to admit some truths, truths that he was hard-pressed to overlook because admitting them could only lead to realizations that would no doubt cause an upheaval in his life.

It was all her fault, making him fall in love with her. Her elegance, intelligence, leadership skills, beauty and compassion and calming presence had sucked him in and before he knew it, he had been had. Cripes! What in the hell was he suppose to do now? He couldn’t tuck tail and run because he was now shackled with responsibilities at this circus. He couldn’t avoid her because not only did they lived and taught in the same place and were teammates, she now considered him a friend and that was saying a lot especially knowing that she rarely opened up and let people into her life. Christ! It was another headache for him to sort out. As if he needed any more of those.

However, he knew that sooner rather than later, he would have absolutely no choice in facing those truths because the feral part of his being was now fully awake, believing that they had captured a mate in Ororo. Logan knew he had a responsibility to his feral half to find a lifelong partner. In that he had no choice. But why Ororo and not Jean? His beast had made it known to him that Jean was not their match by lying dormant whenever she was around, completely disregarding her. But with Ororo it was a different story. His beast howled, scratched and clawed whenever they got a whiff of her or sensed she was nearby. It unquestionably told the man that the wind rider was the only one for them. For the first time in his life, the Wolverine was unsure of himself and he had no idea how to begin dealing with it.

Consequently, there was only one thing for him to do. In order for him to deal with the onslaught of feelings that were only growing in intensity and to buy himself more time before he caved in and did his primal duty, he had convinced himself that Ororo would and could never love an animal like him. He had blood on his hands, had nothing to offer her and quite frankly, she was too good for him. He didn’t deserve anything good and nothing good sure as hell never happened to him. And even if something good happened to him, it never lasted. It was the story of his lonely life. Besides, not so subtle hints from the other residents told him that he didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell with her as she was dubbed the one way out of his league. This was his only recourse and he would keep his secret well and no one would be any the wiser, least of all her. He would settle for being her friend and also continue his flirtations with Jean, knowing that it quieted the beast and granted him some reprieve.

His instincts screamed at him that what he was going to do was not in his best interests. But he stubbornly refused to pay attention to those instincts. He had the uneasy feeling that this course of action was only going to lead to him losing her, therefore, losing out on the happiness he so desperately craved and was so elusive. Closing off his heart to her and burying his feelings for her were no doubt going to cost him dearly and he didn’t want to face the fact that there was a possibility that he was not ready to pay that price.

He groaned as he stood swiftly and stumped the nub of the cigar with his booted heel. He needed to get away from this place for a few days. His head was spinning from being forced to think about all these feelings and to face a lot of things he knew he wasn’t prepared for and frankly, didn’t think he would ever be prepared for. Love was downright tricky and difficult and he didn’t know if he had the mental capabilities to deal with it. Hell! He was positive he didn’t have the mental faculties to deal with it. Her lure was that powerful and God help him as he tried to escape her pull and avoid being drowned in the chaos.





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