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Author's Chapter Notes:
So yeah it's been a very long time but I felt inspired by our tenth anniversary I had to contribute something to celebrate.

This chapter is a wee bit dark, but it just had to be that way because I feared this was turning into a couple of my other fics I still have to finish. So needed to do something different. Hope you enjoy and please R&R!
It has been five months...correction five months, one week, and three days but who is counting. Today was a good day. I was actually able to get out of bed and shower, a feat that had eluded me most days since I lost my baby, my son. I still miss him dearly and wish that he could somehow come back, and I fantasize about that occurrence often. Lately the only company I have are my own tears. No one visits me anymore, not that I want them to. I suppose they tired of being ignored when they came knocking. Well that's not entirely true Jean still comes twice a day; once in the morning and once in the evening before bed. However she is the last person I want to see. I still hear those words she had said to me as I set on my bathroom floor crying with blood on my hands, and pooling between my legs. 'These things happen sometimes' those had been her words. Not 'Ororo, I'm so sorry for your loss' but 'These things happen sometimes' and even hearing those words now echoed in my head, I become angered all a new. No she hadn't said she was sorry for my loss but I know that it was because she truly was not. It had been obvious since the moment she had told me I was pregnant, with Logan's child, that it had made her jealous. But none of that matters now, because I've lost my son, and that loss was only compounded when I lost Logan too. He blamed me I could see it in his eyes after he rushed into the med lab and was told by Hank what had happened. I had miscarried a week shy of six months but somehow, to Logan, that meant I had purposely harmed our child.

At first he had tried to hide his true feelings and had been supportive but as the days passed, his feelings became obvious. He became more and more distant. He'd go on missions that would last days, only to return and then immediately leave to continue his search into his past, which would last weeks. Whenever he'd return home he would seek me out to relief his sexual frustrations, and he would take me wherever he found me. Luckily, I had already become such a recluse, staying locked up either in my loft or in my greenhouse so no one was ever around to witness our coupling. It was different than it had been at the start, it had become quite painful. Mind you there was always some pain involved due to Logan's size and my inexperience, and things with Logan could be rough, but now they were brutal, the hurt...the pain seemed purposeful. It was as if Logan was punishing me, no he was doing exactly that...punishing me, and a part of me felt that I deserved it. I had discovered that talking or pleading with Logan to be gentler during our sexual encounters only seemed to make things worse. He'd grip my hair more tightly and thrust at a bruising pace. So I now clamped my mouth shut, cried, screamed, and fought him fruitlessly until he finished. Afterwards, he would always leave me without a word and I would not see him again for another couple of weeks. One day, one of the rare days that Logan was home, after he had taken me in my greenhouse, and before he could stalk off and leave me where I lay, I mustered the courage to talk to him.

"I am sorry Logan," I spoke in a lowered voice, because my voice had grown hoarse from the muffled screams and crying. "Please forgive me...please." The way he stood, with his back to me but his eyes leering at me as he turned his head to look at me from over his shoulders scared me stiff. I held my breath and recoiled a bit into myself, curling up more into a ball. For several deafeningly quiet moments he just stood there glaring at me, and I lay too scared to gaze back into his eyes or to move. Finally he spoke.

"Just three more months, ya couldn't keep him inside j'ya for three more fucking months?" He spat out and I could hear the disgust in his voice, and I squeezed my eyes shut to his words as my tears ripped free.

"I tried," I answered through sobs. "I ate everything that I was supposed to, took my vitamins, cut down my entire workload. I have thought about it almost every second of every day...wondering what I could have done...should have done differently..." I paused a moment and shook my head. "I don't know what I did wrong. I swear to the Goddess I don't know...I was just taking a shower..." I must have whispered that last part because Logan barked at me.

"What?"

"I...I was just taking a shower," I repeated as I allowed the motions of that fateful morning play out in my head. "I had just finished and was seated on the bench you had put in for me, sitting drying my hair with a towel. I didn't feel anything strange I wasn't in any pain..." I lifted my hands to stare at them and gasped a bit at the blood stains around my nails from where I had clawed at Logan's back. "There was so much blood pooling at my feet, and I watched it for a second as it swirled down the drain...I reach out telepathically to both Jean and the Professor. I must had blacked out because suddenly I was lying on the floor of the bathroom and both Jean and Hank were there...and...these things happen," I repeated Jean's words and for the first time I actually found a sort of comfort in them. "Jean...she said that these things happen sometimes. So it...it is not 'my' fault right?" I asked as I finally looked from my bloodied fingers up into Logan's gray eyes. His eyes weren't as cold as they had been a moment before and they seemed to glisten with unshed tears. He never answered me he simply turned and walked out of the room, and I balled up even more as I silently cried.

That was four days ago and this day I am feeling refreshed, I am dressed, and I am ready to go out and face the world again. I took a deep breath as I grasped the door knob of my bedroom, and then I yanked the door open. My reinvigorated feeling instantly died as my eyes landed upon Logan, who stood just on the other side of the door with his duffle bag slung over his shoulder. I instantly bowed my head a little, casted my eyes submissively to the floor, and then stepped back to allow him entrance. Once he had crossed the threshold, I stared out longingly into the empty corridor that leads to my loft, as I slowly shut the door and locked it.

I took a deep breath and steadied my shaky emotions and shaky hands, and then moved from the door and hurried to the bathroom. I know this routine well now. Upon Logan's return if he happened to find me in my loft, I would immediately run him a hot bath so he can wash off the grime from his travels, then help him remove his boots, put away his bag, which simply meant putting it away in the closet. He never stayed long enough to warrant unpacking it. Then I would try to prepare myself for his ravenous love making, though it had long ago lost its loving feeling, and was just raw and merciless in nature. After I had finished with his bath and securely turned off the faucets, I returned to the bedroom and found him in his usual spot at the foot of the bed. I moved to him and fell to my knees to work on his boots. As I reached for his left foot, Logan reached out his right hand and I involuntarily flinched as his hand cupped my cheek.

"I'm sorry 'Ro," He said and I could hear the struggle in his voice his lips trembled under the words, as he fought down his impending tears. "I know that I don't deserve your forgiveness for how badly I have treated you..."

"Logan," I reached out to him as I became filled with an overwhelming urge to placate him. He in turn gently grasped the hand I moved towards his face and held it against his chest, above his heart.

"I've done you wrong Ororo, so wrong. I've blamed j'ya even though I knew in my head it won't yer fault, what happened to the baby. It won't yer fault 'Ro." He spoke those words as he leaned down a bit and stared me dead in the eyes. "I'm leaving, going to Japan."

"For how...when will you return home?" I asked him frightened by the finality in the way he had said he was leaving. I didn't want him to leave, never had. He simply turned his head a bit and honed his gaze out the opened patio door of my terrace. "You do not have to leave because of me Logan...please do not leave because of me." I begged still kneeling at his feet.

"I'm leaving because of me, I've brutalized you for months and I'm ashamed...I've punished you for something that wasn't yer fault. I've lost my honor 'Ro." He spoke as he turned back to me and bowed his head and locked his eyes to his feet.

"I do not blame you for how you reacted to the loss of our son Logan, it was your way of grieving..."

"Please don't make excuses for what I did to ya. I hurt you I know I did because I did it on purpose."

"Did you enjoy it...enjoy hurting me?" I asked him and the disgusted look he threw me gave me the answer.

"No..."

"Then I forgive you, can you forgive me for miscarrying our son?"

"It won't yer fault."

"Yes, we know that here," I lifted a finger and pointed to my temple. "But can you forgive me here?" I asked as I placed my free hand atop the hand Logan still held against his chest.

"I forgave you that day I left you curled on the greenhouse floor," He spoke and I could hear the shame in his voice. "You were so broken over our son's death or maybe broken because of how I had been treating you...Did I do that to you...did I break you 'Ro?" He questioned me with pleading eyes and I replied honestly with a shake of my head.

"No, Logan you did not. What you did, hurting me...I knew it was your way of dealing with your grief, and...in all honesty I blamed myself too so I welcomed your punishment. I felt like I deserved it."

"Naw ya didn't."

"Yes we both know that here, remember." Again I tapped my temple and smiled slightly at him. "So I'll forgive you and you'll forgive me and we can start with a clean slate." I offered hopefully. Logan ducked his head a bit and I could see that he was mulling it all over, and I saw the 'fight or flight' dilemma play in his eyes. "I love you Logan," I said with as much conviction as I could muster, and my words seemed to reach something within him because he lifted his head and locked his eyes with mine. "I love you and do not think I could survive losing you forever too." I added as my sobs escaped me. In a flash I felt my body being lifted from the floor and Logan's strong arms wrapped around me. I cried more openly now that I was snuggled securely upon Logan's lap, and within his arms. I felt the wetness from Logan's tears even though I could not see them because he buried his face against my bosom. After several long, cleansing moments crying we calm enough that I could continue talking to him. "So does this mean that you will stay with me and not go to Japan?" I asked and waited with bated breath for his reply, a part of me still so afraid he would still leave me.

"I'm still going ta Japan Darlin," He stated and my face and heart sank a bit in despair. I must have bowed my head a bit because I felt Logan's hand cup my chin as he raised my face and eyes to his. "But yer coming with me," He declared and my face lit up with a huge smile, as my mind suddenly became filled with thoughts about the adventures we would have in Japan.


Chapter End Notes:
So what did you think, i hope it stay cohesive and flowed well. Like I said it has been a long while, so I need to find my groove again ;) So yeah I am going to try my hand at a Japanese adventure...we'll see how that goes.



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