After New Year’s Eve everything began to settle back to normal. Despite the excitement brought by Jean and Scott’s engagement it still was business as usual for the residents at the mansion.
The students returned as classes began once more and the halls of the mansion were once again filled with the noise and chaos of rambunctious and somewhat hyperactive children and teenagers.
For Logan though, the return of the students brought about a strange situation. He had admitted his feelings to both himself and Ororo. And they had spent the following days since that admission openly exploring and reveling in those feelings.
But now, with the return of the students, Logan found that he had to rein them in. And for someone who had learned a great deal of control out of necessity, the task seemed almost beyond him.
He found himself smiling at odd times; usually after he had allowed his mind to wander for a moment. He would find his mind drawn back to Ororo again and again. Often at the most inopportune times. He would then snap back to himself and find that he was standing in a room he didn’t remember entering, a stupid smile plastered to his face. He’d look around hurriedly, afraid of who might have seen him and then head about his business.
Unfortunately for him, he was spotted several times. And his erratic and abnormal behavior set the student gossip mill aflame. But Marie wasn’t around to confirm or deny the rumors, so what exactly was going on was anybody’s guess.
Logan for the most part remained oblivious to the students, continuing on with his day. His mind filled with thoughts of Ororo. But he was about to be shocked out his oblivious state.
It was the day after classes had begun and he had just finished his workout with Ororo an hour before; wandering upstairs to find something to drink when he saw Rogue coming down the hall. He looked at her, really looked at her and was stopped in his tracks by what he saw.
She looked terrible. Beyond terrible. She looked as if she was recovering from a serious illness or just experiencing one. Her hair was dirty and hung limply against her head as if she hadn’t bathed in a couple of days. Her clothes were baggy and hung loosely on her small frame. And he realized that she had lost weight. She was pale, her face wan, her eyes sunken and ringed by dark circles as if she hadn’t had a good nights sleep in a long, long time.
Logan was surprised at her appearance and he struggled to think back to the last time that he’d seen her, really seen her, trying to remember if she had looked this bad. With a start, he realized that the last time he’d taken a close look at her was at Christmas when she had joined them for dinner.
Logan ran a hand over his face as he realized that he’d been too caught up in his own life to pay attention to her. He felt a twinge of guilt at that. But he’d wanted so much to believe that she was coming around. And she’d kept to herself so much that he hadn’t really noticed anything amiss.
He clenched his jaw as he thought on the problem. He had to do something; he just couldn’t stand by any longer. He quickly reviewed what he’d tried so far.
He’d tried the truth with her, he’d tried ignoring what had happened, hell he’d even tried getting her angry at him hoping that the change in focus might bring her out of it. But nothing seemed to be working. It was time for a drastic change of tactics. It was time to knock her upside the head.
He stepped into her path, blocking it.
“Rogue, I wanna talk to ya.”
She simply stepped around him.
“Not now Logan, Ah’m late for my physics class.”
He turned to follow her, his words heated and full of anger.
“Screw yer class, you got time for what I gotta say.”
She turned on him and they stood in the hallway, toe to toe as the other students passed them by. Her tone was full of acid and bitterness.
“And what would that be, are ya gonna tell me again that what happened wasn’t my fault? How ‘bout that the grief Ah feel is misplaced. Or even better, are ya gonna tell me that given time, the pain Ah feel will fade? Well Ah’ve heard enough bullshit ta last me a lifetime, so if ya don’t mind, Ah have a class to get to.” She pushed past him and continued walking.
Logan reached out and grabbed her arm, mindful to grab her firmly but without touching her skin.
“Don’t walk away from me Rogue, we ain’t finished yet.”
She shrugged him off, her new strength allowing her to break his grip as she turned away from him.
“Don’t push me Logan.”
He followed her, angry, and knowing that she was just as angry.
“Dammit Rogue, get yer skinny, southern fried ass back here.
“Ya ain’t my father!”
The words were thrown at him, almost like a taunt but he refused to rise to the bait.
“Yer damned right I’m not. ‘Cause he ain’t here right now tryin’ to help ya through this, but I am. So stop actin’ like an ass and talk to me.”
She stopped, turning on him.
Other students in the hallway gave them both a wide berth .
“Ah don’t need ya fer this; Ah can handle this on my own.”
He snorted, crossing his arms across his chest.
“Yer doin’ a bang up job so far. I didn’t know that hiding in yer room and sulking was the best way to deal with a problem.”
She turned away from him again, her eyes full of tears.
“Get off my back Logan. Just leave me alone.”
Logan reached out and grabbed her arm again, this time spinning her around, not giving her the opportunity to shake him off.
“Or what, you’ll hit me? Come on Rogue, take a shot if ya want. I won’t even stop ya. And don’t worry, we both know I can take it. But when I get back up, we’re gonna do things my way.”
Her eyes tore at his heart; they were full of anguish, unshed tears and pure self loathing as she tried, unsuccessfully to shake him off again.
“Why won’t ya just leave me alone? Why should ya care so much about how Ah feel after what Ah did? Ah killed her!”
Logan snorted loudly.
“You wanna compare body counts? I’ll bury you.”
Her shoulders sagged and she leaned against him as she lost it and began sobbing again.
Logan simply wrapped his arms around her, holding her, letting her cry raggedly against him, her words come out in gasps and jerks.
“Ah can’t handle this; Ah can’t handle everyone looking at me as if they’re afraid of me. No one wants to talk to me, no one wants to spar with me, and no one even wants to sit too close to me in class. No one but Remy and everyone already thinks he’s crazy.”
Logan dropped his voice as he put an arm around her shoulders as he touched his cheek to the top of her head. He hated to see her in such pain, but somehow, she had to be shocked out of the gloom she was determined to wallow in. Somehow he had to make her see that what she was doing to herself was going to kill her.
“Ya don’t want to be pitied? Ya don’t want anyone to be afraid of ya? Then what the hell do ya think ya can accomplish sittin’ in your room? The only way any of them are ever gonna accept that there’s nothin’ different about ya is if ya stop giving ‘em reason to think otherwise.”
Her voice was quiet and unsure, the words delivered to his chest.
“Ah don’t know how.”
He pulled her back from him and looked her in the eye.
“Well stop hidin’ in yer room for one; yer walkin’ around this place like ya got some dirty secret to hide.”
“Ah killed someone, how can anything ever be the same again?”
Logan hugged her once more, softening his voice as he reminded her of what he’d said before.
“It won’t be; I told ya that before. Ya can’t ever forget, but ya can learn to forgive yourself. And the first step in doing that is to show everyone else around ya that there’s nothin’ wrong. And ya do that by getting’ on with yer own life.”
The hall around them was empty; most of the students had found their way to their classes, leaving them in the suddenly quiet hallway.
She pulled away, looking at him once more with her pain filled eyes.
“How can Ah, Logan, after what Ah’ve done?”
He reached out, squeezing her shoulder.
“Just try, that’s all I’m askin’.”
She took a deep breath and nodded.
“Alright, Ah’ll try.”
He nodded and began leading her back down the hall, back towards the girls dorms and her rooms.
“Logan, Ah’ve got a class to get to.”
“Not today ya don’t. Ya need to go back to yer room and clean yerself up. Ya look like shit.”
Rogue snorted slightly.
“Ya always were a charmer sug’ah.”
Logan was silent as he escorted her back to her room.
A few minutes later, after making sure that she was doing as he told her to and letting the professor know that Rogue wasn’t making it to his class, he stood outside her door, pondering what had just happened.
She wasn’t healing, she was getting worse and he hadn’t seen it. He’d been so damned oblivious to her pain because of his own life that he’d let it get a lot farther than he ever would have allowed it to. And now he wasn’t sure if they’d be able to reach her in time.
Shaken, he pushed away from the door and went outside to find Ororo and come up with a plan for dealing with the problem.
Ororo looked up as he strode into the greenhouse, her hands buried in potting soil. She smiled at him, her eyes alight with pleasure as he leaned down to kiss her cheek.
“Logan. What a pleasant surprise.”
He stepped back from her, putting his hands in his pockets.
She mentally frowned as she noticed how tense he was.
“Hey darlin’. Thought you could use a hand in here today.”
She looked at him in surprise as she brushed off her hands and stood.
“Really?”
Logan chuckled at the disbelief in her tone.
“No, but I figured since I wanted to spend time with ya, and I knew ya had work out here, it might be smart of me to just come out and help ya.”
She kissed him softly, her brow creasing as she pulled away.
He was worried about something.
She could feel it on him. But she played along with him anyway. He would tell her when he was ready.
“That is very sweet. However, you will stay as far from my plants as humanly possible. Your thumb is as black as the night sky.” She walked to the back of her greenhouse to rinse off her hands and give him her full attention.
“Ya kill one plant and she never lets ya live it down.” He muttered under his breath.
But his voice wasn’t quite soft enough and she heard enough to make her laugh.
“Actually, you killed more than a dozen and I swear you did it on purpose to keep from helping me.” She came back to him, drying her hands off on her pants as she looked at him closely.
“I’m here now aren’t I?”
“Yes. But truthfully, I do not really need any help at that moment. Why not just sit and visit with me for a moment.”
He smiled slightly but it seemed forced.
“Like you need to ask.”
She decided to keep the talk light. It might help him relax enough to open up about what was bothering him.
“So, what have you been up to since we finished our training session this morning?”
He shrugged as he pulled up an old clay planter, turned it over and sat down on the bottom.
“Nothin’ much. Sent the kids through their paces; added another mile to their run. I’ve got some of them training in different styles.”
Ororo nodded as she began neatening up the greenhouse.
“How are they doing?”
Again, a shrug and she pondered the lack of enthusiasm from him. Normally he greatly enjoyed talking about his students and their progress. Something must really be bothering him.
“They’re progressin’; some faster than others but overall, I’m pretty happy with how they’re comin’ along.”
She tried another tactic.
“You enjoy teaching them.”
He sighed, rubbing a hand through his hair, his mind obviously a million miles from the subject at hand.
“Yeah, I guess I do.”
She stepped over to him, turning over another planter and sitting across from him. She reached out to touch his hand even as she asked.
“Is there something bothering you my love? You seem far more quiet than
usual.”
He squeezed her hand.
“I’m just thinkin’.”
“About anything specific?”
“I had an argument with Rogue earlier.”
She gave a mental sigh realizing that they were getting somewhere. She had been meaning to talk with him about the young woman as well. Especially since Remy had just left her greenhouse shortly before Logan graced her door. It seemed that both of them were very worried about her.
“An argument? With Rogue?”
He looked up and she could see the pain fill his eyes. The frustration he was feeling at not being able to help her.
“Yeah. I got a really good look at her ‘Ro. She’s in a bad way; she looks like death warmed over. She hasn’t bathed, she hasn’t slept. Its like she’s given up and doesn’t care anymore. I can’t believe that I didn’t see it before now.”
She nodded.
“Remy came to me just this morning. He is very worried about her. He mentioned that he has not seen her eat in the past several days.”
Logan gave her a surprised look.
“Why didn’t he tell somebody?”
“Because he is not completely sure. He cannot watch her 24 hours a day. He came to me to ask if I would watch her as well to see if she was managing to eat at strange times. I told him that I would and he left.”
Logan surged to his feet.
“Dammit ‘Ro. Why didn’t we see this? She’s wastin’ away right in front of us and we weren’t payin’ any damned attention to it.”
Her voice was soft and soothing as she too stood.
“Our lives have been very busy in the past several days. And we all very much wanted to believe that all she really needed was time. But we see her now Logan. We can help her.”
He turned to look at her, giving her a quick kiss before he headed to the door.
“I’m going to see Chuck about this right now. I’ll see ya later for lunch.”
She watched him leave.
“I shall be there.”
Luckily for Logan, Charles was taking a break from his hectic day in his study. And he was alone.
“I’m tellin’ ya Chuck, I don’t know what to do for her. I’ve tried treatin’ her with kid gloves, ignorin’ the damn incident, I even had a damned argument with her this mornin’ where I literally beat her over the head with what happened. Nothin’ seems to help. She seems bound and determined to wallow in her guilt.”
Logan stepped away from the fireplace, his face set in worried lines as he sat down across from the professor.
Xavier sighed loudly.
“Yes, Marie is quite stubborn about the pain she feels. I too have run into several road blocks in helping her.”
Logan held out his hands at a loss for what their next step should be.
“So what do we do?”
Xavier shrugged uncertainly.
“As I said before, I think that the best thing we can do, at this moment, is to step back and give her time.”
Logan stood again, pacing getting agitated.
“We’ve done that and it don’t seemed to have helped. I’m beyond worried at his point Chuck. She hasn’t been interacting with the other students; she barely speaks to me or Ororo. And this morning when I saw her, she looked like hell. And a couple of hourse ago, I talked to ‘Ro and she told me that Remy’s gettin’ worried too. He says that she hasn’t been eatin’.”
Charles looked surprised at that news and little worried himself.
“That information does complicate things.”
“We can’t lose her Chuck. We can’t let her keep pullin’ away from us like this.”
Charles nodded.
“I agree.”
“So what are we gonna do?”
He looked thoughtful for a moment and then sighed as Logan waited tensely for his answer.
“I have an idea, but I don’t think that you will like it.”
Logan spread his hands wide, giving up to Xavier’s wisdom in the matter.
“If it’ll save her, give her whatever she needs to get better, I’m all ears.”
“Then let me make a phone call.”
Charles had been right, Logan didn’t like his suggestion. But he kept his word and his opinion to himself. The next day, he opened the door to Carol and Devon, Jennifer’s parents.
He escorted them to Charles’s office staying silent as Jean served them tea.
She had demanded to be there to ensure that things didn’t go as bad as they had the first time between Logan and the grieving parents.
Charles reached out towards the couple, indicating for them to take a seat.
“I know that this is a strange request, and given the pain both of you have suffered, I never meant to disturb you in your time of mourning.”
Carol gave him a strange smile as Devon nodded slightly.
“We understand Professor. But we couldn’t just sit by.”
Carol reached over and took her husband’s hand firmly in her own.
“When Devon told me that you had called, about this girl Marie, we knew that we had to do something.”
He nodded.
“Yes, we’ve thought on what Mr. Logan said to us about what happened. And we have both realized he was right. Both girls were victims in this. Our grief made us lose sight of that.”
Xavier nodded.
“You both have my utmost gratitude for coming here. We have tried everything we can to help Marie and everything so far has failed. We are simply out of options.”
Carol took a deep breath.
“How can we help?”
Logan found himself marveling at the strength and compassion of the woman. She could have told Charles no. She could have told him that they had been through enough pain and tears because of his school. That they were still grieving for their daughter who had died at the hands of the very person they were now expected to help. She could have told him to go to hell. But she hadn’t. Instead she had pushed her own pain aside to help someone else hurt by the tragedy that had taken their daughter. Even after the way that he’d spoken to them.
He wondered how many people in the world would have been able or willing to do what she had done so easily. He wondered, if their positions were reversed, would he have been able to do the same thing. He realized he had no idea.
“We have tried numerous times to get Marie to understand that the accident was not her fault. But all those attempts have failed. She has chosen instead to wallow in her own guilt over what happened. It has come to my attention that she has recently stopped eating.
Carol reached out, again grabbing her husband’s hand, her face registering a combination of concern and horror.
“Good Lord Devon; this poor girl. None of this is her fault.” She turned back to Charles. “Do you think that it might help if we saw her, explained to her that we don’t blame her?”
Charles relaxed slightly.
“Yes, that is exactly what I think. Logan, would you go talk to Rogue?”
Carol looked at Jean, her eyes pleading with her.
“Please, ask her; we promise to drop the request if she says no.”
Logan nodded and headed to the door.
“I’ll go ask her.”
Logan knocked on Rogue’s door again. Not waiting for an answer, he walked in. He felt a wave of Déjà vu as he saw Rogue still sitting in her chair, staring out the window. Just as she had the last time he came to see her.
If Logan hadn’t known otherwise, he would have sworn that she had never moved at all; so similar was her position. He turned back to the others, holding up his hand as he quietly shut the door. He walked up behind Rogue, waiting for her to respond to his arrival. He stood there for several moments before she spoke.
“Ah didn’t think ya would come ta see me again so soon.”
Logan sat down in another chair, his face grim as he leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees.
“Ah know that look; ya get it just before ya leap inta a fight with somebody three times yer size.”
Logan looked at her for several moments, silent as he pondered how to broach the topic of Jennifer’s parents with her. She was a strong girl; he knew that. Anyone who had survived what she had would have to be to keep from losing her mind. But Logan knew that this situation was different; this was something she had caused; even if only indirectly.
And now the people who had the most reason to hate her were standing outside her bedroom door, waiting to come in and tell her that none of it had been her fault. All in the name of trying to help her get over what happened.
“Jennifer’s parents are here. They asked to see ya.”
Rogue flinched slightly, going pale as she turned her attention back to the window.
“So what do they want ta do, yell at me fer killin’ their daughter? Condemn me fer something Ah can’t control?”
Logan shook his head.
“No, they just want to talk to ya; but they don’t want to hurt ya. Will ya talk to them?”
Rogue was quiet for a long time, gazing out the window.
Logan simply waited.
When she finally spoke again, her voice was so quiet that for a moment he wasn’t completely sure that she was speaking to him.
“Ah can still hear her, inside my head. Did ya know that?”
Logan shook his head. He’d never thought to ask that; had in fact been afraid to ask that question in fear of what she might say about it. About what she might reveal about the other personalities she had absorbed in the past.
“Its different than it was with you and the others. Ya’ll quieted down after awhile; almost like ya realized that ya weren’t really real anymore. Yer still there, just quiet. Ah still have yer memories, yer experiences, but Ah can shut them off when Ah want ta. Its not the same with her.”
Logan moved closer, kneeling at her chair.
“How’s it different?”
“She’s still there, talking ta me. She tells me things about her life and shows me her memories. She’s usually pretty quiet about it; it ain’t nothin’ Ah can’t ignore. But when ya said somethin’ about her folks just now, she got louder and she felt almost sad. Ah’ve never felt that before.”
“What d’ya mean?”
“When Ah touch someone, Ah absorb everything about them. Feelings, memories, skills; every aspect of their personality becomes a part of me. Ah feel and remember things as you experienced them, as if those emotions were my own.
“But after awhile, some of it starts ta fade. Powers and emotions are usually the first things ta go, then memories and finally skills. But while Ah have them, these things become a part of me. The Professor said that they became ‘an extension of my personality’.
“It fades after awhile. Ah still have yer memories, even some of yer skills. But most of the emotions tied to those memories are gone. Ah remember them, but Ah don’t feel them anymore. Its different this time; Jennifer’s emotions are separate from mine; like there’s another personality inside my head.”
Logan was surprised by this revelation.
“Have you told Chuck?”
“Ah wasn’t sure that anything was wrong until just now.”
“We can tell him right now.”
“But what about Jennifer’s folks?”
“They can wait.”
“No, Ah do want to see them. Its just that…”
“Its just what?”
“Ah’m scared Logan. What if Ah say or do something that reminds them of her? How do we explain about her still being inside my head? It’ll just kill them to think she might be trapped inside me.”
“I’ll talk to Jean for a minute; maybe she can help control it long enough for them to see you than leave.”
Rogue looked at him her eyes full of fear and self loathing and Logan felt a fresh stab of anger rip into him.
“Ya promise me that they aren’t gonna hurt me?”
He reached out and took her gloved hand in his own, squeezing it tightly.
“I promise.”
“Alright, Ah’ll talk to them.”
Logan stood up, stepping outside quickly. He pulled Jean aside and quickly and quietly explained what Rogue had just told him.
“Logan, I’m not sure I can handle this if she puts up a real fight. I might be able to suppress her for a short amount of time, but it would be better if Charles were here. He needs to know about this anyway.”
“I know that, and I plan on telling him just as soon as this is over with. But in the mean time, we need to do this now while both of them have enough courage to do it. She needs help Jean. And if the professor thinks that this is the best way for her to get it, then I say the sooner the better.
“I agree. Alright Logan, but lets do this carefully. If the personality inside Rogue pushes too hard, she may be able to break free from me. It may be dangerous for everyone, not just Marie.”
Jean stepped into the room, leaving Logan at the door as she reached out to Rogue telepathically and did her best to suppress Jennifer’s personality with her limited abilities. After a few moments, she nodded at Logan and he opened the door to let in Jennifer’s parents.
They stood on the threshold for several moments, tense and unsure. Devon reached down, taking Carol’s hand in his own as he stepped into the room.
Logan walked over to Rogue’s chair, kneeling down next to it as he watched them come through the door, their steps unsure as they stepped further into the room.
Carol came forward first, her eyes never leaving Rogue as she came forward. She turned to her husband, who simply nodded. She stepped forward, kneeling down to meet Marie at eye level.
Logan could smell the tears and grief coming from all three of them as Carol silently kneeled in front of Rogue. He squeezed Rogue’s hand once more, reminding her that he was there.
Without warning, Carol reached out, even as Rogue reached up to fend her off. She drew Rogue forward, embracing her firmly as the young girl lost control completely and began sobbing uncontrollably. Carol reached, out stroking her hair even as she began soothing her quietly, tunelessly.
“Ah’m so sorry. Ah’m so sorry.” Rogue murmured the words over and over again, feeling a whisper from the Jennifer personality within her as Carol continued to comfort her.
“It’s alright; we don’t blame you; it wasn’t your fault.” She had tears running down her face as she continued holding Rogue firmly, rocking the sobbing girl.
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