A few days later, early in the morning, Logan wandered down to the kitchen to grab something to drink, and maybe make something to eat. He found Jean sitting at the small kitchen table, nursing a glass of orange juice. For a brief moment, he wondered at the expression on her face.
She seemed deep in thought; and by the frown that marred her beautiful features, those thoughts were not pleasant. He had no time to ponder either her frown or her thoughts as she realized that someone had entered the room. He watched as she hid her worries behind a cheerful mask.
“Hello Logan.”
He stopped at the fridge, opening it. “Hey Jeannie.” He stuck his head into the fridge, as a strange feeling swept over him. It was an itching sensation in the back of his mind; something others had often joked was his version of ESP. Logan had never really believed that himself thinking it had more to do with his acute senses telling him that something was slightly off with the world around him and it was nearly always right. Often going off just before an ambush or other violent encounter occurred.
The kicker for him now, would be to determine just what was wrong at that moment; given that he little or no expectation of someone being able to sneak past both Jean and the professor in an effort to kill him. He blindly grabbed several items from the fridge, as he pondered what had set the feeling off.
He placed everything he’d pulled out of the fridge on the island, mindlessly chopping vegetables as he looked around the room slowly. He had taken everything in the moment he’d walked through the door; a clear snapshot of the room’s setup and everything that was in it. It was a lingering skill from his military days and he knew that all he had to do was close his eyes and he would see a perfect mental image of the room. But he wanted to study it closely, one piece at a time as he pondered just what had set off the buzzing in the back of his mind.
For the moment, he ignored Jean in order to study the objects within the room. But nothing that he looked at changed the buzzing in his head. Everything, so far as his expert gaze could tell, was exactly as it had been yesterday and all the previous days since he’d come home. So he turned his attention to the only thing left in the room that was different; Jean.
She was back to brooding over her glass of orange juice and he wondered just what thoughts she could be thinking that could possibly mar her beautiful face. If he’d had any say in the matter, he’d be sure that she’d never have reason to frown ever again. In fact, he knew that he would gladly spend the rest of his life making her happy just for the joy of seeing her smiling face.
His thoughts were interrupted as he realized that the buzzing in his head had grown louder; in fact he almost swore that he could hear it. Almost as if he had a hive of bees living inside his head.
He continued to watch Jean from the corner of his eyes for several moments trying to pinpoint just what it was about her that could be causing his reaction. He sniffed the air and he couldn’t smell anything different. He couldn’t see any difference in the way that she moved or spoke so there was no way that she was being copied by a morphing mutant. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something different about her.
Or perhaps it wasn’t her that was different; perhaps what was different was his perception of her. The buzzing subsided as he played a hunch. He looked directly at her, filling his eyes with her vibrant image as he also inhaled deeply at the same time flooding his acute senses with her presence. Despite her visual image and her vivid scent flooding his nostrils, Logan felt nothing.
He sensed her presence; he knew that she was flesh and blood and that she was real. But she might as well have been a stranger that he’d just met for all the emotion that her presence evoked in him. Instead there was a void of feeling inside him that he had never before associated with her.
He inhaled again, a feeling of confusion and slight panic flowing over him as he tried to understand what was wrong. With a flash, it hit him. Feeling nothing, even when he knew Jean was nearby, even when he could sense a minor trace of her presence was what was different.
Always before, when he had sensed Jean, either by her scent or having caught a glimpse of her, he had felt yearning well up inside him; almost a burning need to be near her. Sometimes it was so intense, he couldn’t see anything else and it threatened the tenuous control he held over his baser, more feral self. It had been that way from the very first moment they met; Logan had never questioned it nor had he tried to understand it. It simply was a part of who he was.
But now, as he watched her sitting at the table, he realized that something, somewhere had changed for him. He still felt an attraction towards her; but it was tempered somehow. It no longer felt so vivid, as sharp as before. In fact, the only way that he could describe what he felt now, would be to say that it was similar to the reaction he might have upon seeing a beautiful woman walk down the street.
Having had this startling, life altering epiphany in a matter of moments, Logan promptly sliced his thumb open. He stared dumbly at the blood flow and open wound, barely registering the pain it had caused him.
Jean jumped up from her spot at the table and rush to him. “Heavens Logan.”
He felt Jean reach around him and grab a towel, which she promptly wrapped around his spurting thumb.
“You’d think that with six razor sharp blades permanently attached to you, you’d know to be more careful.” She unwrapped the towel for a moment and noticed that the wound had already begun to knit together thanks to Logan’s unique gift.
Logan, realizing that Jean was holding his hand, pulled away; his face unsure and a bit confused as he turned to throw the towel in the garbage.
She looked at him, her expression puzzled. “Logan, are you alright?”
He turned to look at her, seeing the genuine concern on her face. “Yeah Jeannie, I’m fine; just wasn’t payin’ attention.” She didn’t look convinced and he could see that she was tempted to press him further. Before she could question him further, he took the coward’s way out. “I left something plugged-in in the garage; I’ll be right back.” With those hasty, and obviously false words, he fled from the kitchen, needing to put a bit of space between himself and the sudden disturbing realization he had just reached.
Logan sat deep in the woods mulling over his thoughts as he pondered what he had realized in the kitchen. He thought back over the last couple of months trying to pinpoint when or what had triggered his loss of attraction to Jean. He closed his eyes, letting the smell of nature and the sounds of the forest sooth his frayed nerves. He had loved Jean from the moment he met her and he knew that Jean had felt something for him; she’d never denied it and he’d smelled it on her on several occasions. And Scott’s annoyance over the whole thing had been icing on the cake.
But now, now something had changed and he couldn’t put his finger on what, or when. Sure he hadn’t seen much of Jeannie in the last two months; she seemed to be avoiding him until she needed him for something. But that had never seemed to matter before. All the other times that he’d left and come back, everything had stayed the same. He’d flirt with her, she’d flirt back, Scott would get pissy and they’d go around again. Even his latest arrival had been no different. He’d felt the desire hit him like a punch in the gut the moment he’d caught her scent when he’d walked in the mansion. But now, well now he wasn’t sure about any of it. So what had changed?
Logan lay under the thick canopy of trees for over an hour pondering what might have happened. But nothing came to mind. He growled in frustration as several times, the answer formed only to cloud over and disappear back into the depths of his mind once more. He stood, his annoyance written in every tense line of his stance as he walked out of the woods back towards his bike. It seemed that he wasn’t going to be gifted with the answer just yet. And standing in the woods, no matter how it might soothe him, wasn’t going to bring him clarity anytime soon. Maybe if he ignored it, let it roll around in the back of his mind long enough, something would hit him. Without that last thought, he hopped on his bike and roared back to the school; he had a sparring session with Ororo in an hour.
It had taken a little over two months to happen. In fact, for such a small instance of time, it had taken a remarkable amount of work to accomplish. It was over before Logan even realized it had happened. Somehow, maybe because he was distracted, maybe because he was still shaken up about the thing that morning with Jeannie, or maybe it was sheer skill on her part he didn’t know. However it happened, Logan couldn’t stop the surge of pride he felt in his heart, even as he felt his ass hit the mat.
He looked up to see Ororo breathing heavily, standing over him in a defensive stance as she waited for him to leap up and attack again.
It took her a second or two to realize just what she had done. A look of surprise and fierce joy overtook her as she fell out of her stance and began an impromptu victory dance around the room.
Logan watched her for several seconds, feeling a shade of annoyance building as she forgot and ignored every rule of fighting he’d managed to teach her. He stood up quietly, using her distraction against her as he pinned her face first into the nearest wall.
She stilled as he pressed against her, the sharp snikt of his unsheathed claws echoing loudly in the still room.
He hoped that the sound would serve as a reminder of how foolish it was to ignore a supposedly fallen foe. “Real good darlin’. But next time, it might not be me yer fightin’. Never assume that just ‘cause they ain’t movin’, they’re finished.” He couldn’t help but feel pride at what she had managed to do; but he’d seen pride and impetuousness get people killed. He knew that she was aware that what they did on Xavier’s team was dangerous; she’d have been a fool not to. But she had taken that responsibility upon herself; and if she was killed fulfilling that responsibility there was no one to blame for her taking the risk.
But this was different. He had taken on the responsibility of training her, teaching her what he knew. If she found herself in a situation where she made a mistake and it cost her her life through a lack of skill, he would blame himself. Because somehow, he hadn’t managed to teach her enough. He wasn’t sure that he could live with that and he didn’t ever want to find out. He had to be sure that she understood just how serious what he was teaching her really was.
She nodded. ”I shall remember Logan. It will not happen again.” Her voice was husky and breathless.
It stirred something inside him. He caught a whiff of her scent just then; it was heavy, mixed with her sweat and the other orders in the room. He found himself leaning closer, sniffing at her hair and marveling in her unique smell. He could hear a part of his mind awaken and become restless at that smell. And the elusive emotion he’d had the night he’d taken her out for a beer resurfaced. Only this time, it wasn’t elusive and didn’t fade away the moment he focused on it.
A thought popped out the depths of his mind, coming to the forefront in an instant You want her. It startled him and he let her go abruptly and backed away trying to put some space between them. He turned and walked hurriedly towards the shower rooms. Trying to hide the evidence of how much he suddenly wanted her.
She turned around. “Logan?”
He called back over his shoulder, not wanting to turn around. “That’s enough for today ‘Ro. I’ll give you a freebie for knocking me on my ass.” He left the room quickly, no further explanation given.
Logan stood under the stinging spray of the shower trying to pound the disturbing thoughts out of his head. How had it happened? When had it happened? Why had it happened? He knew that he’d always felt close to her; she understood him, more than anyone else save Marie. And he wasn’t sure that it was the same thing. Marie understood him because she’d absorbed his memories on more than one occasion. She knew the demons he battled with on a regular basis.
But Ororo was different; she had no first hand knowledge of what he’d been through in his life; she only had a vague idea of what had been done to him to give him an indestructible skeleton. But she understood something fundamental about him; he knew that well. She understood the beast within him; understood that sometimes, he was a hairsbreadth away from losing control over the animal part of himself. She understood because she had often felt the same way herself. And he knew that there were very few people in the world, even at the mansion who would even attempt that same understanding.
She had told him why she felt connected to him often enough; because he fundamentally understood her. Neither of them had ever passed judgment on the other; neither of them sought to gain something other than friendship from the other; and no matter how painful they had always been truthful with each other. So now he wondered just how he could face her again and hide what he felt. She wasn’t Jean; she wasn’t someone that he could attempt to sweep off her feet with simple intense sessions of flirting.
She was Storm, the weather goddess made flesh, the wind rider; a mutant so powerful that many feared just the thought of what she could do. She was also Ororo Munroe; a woman so elegant and sophisticated that he figured he had little or no chance with her. She deserved someone better than a semi-feral mutant whose hands were covered in more blood than any other man alive; someone who could offer her the platitudes and sweet words that she deserved; not someone who often grunted and growled to convey his emotions.
With a feeling of disgust, Logan turned the shower off, hating himself for feeling such self doubt. But he had to be realistic. Why would she ever want him? A part of his mind spoke up again; the same part that spoke earlier when he realized that he was attracted to her.
But she’s also ‘Ro, the woman who asked me to teach her how to kick someone’s ass, the woman who went out to bar with me for a beer and proceeded to kick my ass at nine ball. She’s the same woman who asked me for lessons on how to ride my bike and who conned me into planting flower bulbs and dressing like a scarecrow for a Halloween party. He smiled at the memory of her hustling him at pool. So where do I go from here? He sighed loudly as he pulled his clothes on. “I have no idea.”
More than a week passed before Logan figured out his next step. More than a week of avoiding Jean and pretending that nothing had changed between them when he couldn’t. More than a week of distraction and relative silence during his classes with the children. More than a week of sparring with Ororo and trying to quiet the yearning, aching void inside himself while he pretended that nothing had changed between them as well.
He had come to a realization that he couldn’t just ignore what he felt; he couldn’t ignore something that he’d just discovered before he’d even had a chance to explore what it might mean. With Jean, deep down he knew that he’d had little chance of tempting her away from Scott; she really truly loved him. He knew that and so he’d just stood back and dreamed of what might be. But Ororo was single, she was an adult and he had no intention of letting what he felt fade away before he could see what it might become.
The problem was that he had no idea on what to do next. He wasn’t sure just how Ororo might react if he asked her out directly. He had no fear of rejection; he’d been rejected before and could deal with it well enough. But he was afraid that if she did tell him no, the friendship they shared would be changed forever. He didn’t want to risk it. He decided that the best way to approach the whole thing was to know more about Ororo.
It was no longer enough to understand her and accept her simply as she was; though that was important. No, for this to succeed, he needed to know how far he could push; how far inside she would let him before slamming up her barriers. He’d seen her do it often enough before when she thought someone was getting too close. At first he’d thought that she was simply a private person who was very selective about who she let in. But now he wasn’t so sure.
So he next pondered just who he could speak with. Remy was a possibility but he was afraid that the clever ex-thief would guess what he was up to and either use it against him or warn Ororo. Neither was a possibility he was willing to risk at this stage. He considered Hank; but the blue-haired doctor was leaving for the next two weeks for a medical conference in California. Logan knew he couldn’t wait that long.
He never really even considered Jean; it would be awkward to say the least and she might jump to the wrong conclusions. Or perhaps they would be the right conclusions but he wanted to keep this below the radar for time being. So that really left only one person. After nearly nine days of distraction and frustration, he decided that enough was enough and he went to see the Professor.
Charles greeted him warmly when he entered the office. “Logan, how nice to see you outside of our weekly meetings. I hope that everything is going well for you.” Charles waved him to sit down as he wheeled closer.
Logan sank into the seat, keeping his face neutral. But he felt a twitch of agitation trying to work its way free. He’d come to talk about Ororo in a round about way; he wasn’t planning on revealing the depth of his feelings to the professor if he could avoid it. But there was something he needed to understand about her. “I have a bit of a problem Chuck.”
Charles frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that Logan. Is it anything I can help you with?”
Logan nodded. “I think so; it’s about ‘Ro.”
“What about her?”
Logan shrugged unsure of how to broach the topic without appearing too forceful. He needed information from a willing participant; not a lecture from someone who was suspicious. “Well, she and I’ve been spendin’ some time together outside of the mansion recently. She hustled me at a game of pool, I started teaching her to ride my bike, she even conned me into a ridiculous costume for the Halloween party.”
The professor laughed as a set of pictures floated over from his desk. “Yes, she delivered these just this morning; I wondered who had managed to get you into that getup.”
Logan smiled as he looked at the pictures but his face grew serious as he set them down. “I’ve known her a long time now; long enough for me ta know her pretty well. And I noticed somethin’ recently that I’m a little concerned about; she don’t have many friends does she? Real friends I mean? I would’ve asked her, but well I wasn’t sure how ta and I don’t want ta sound like I’m prying. I just get the feeling that she shuts a lot of us out; and she does it on purpose.”
Xavier sighed. “Logan you might find that sometimes, she is a very open and honest person, willing to share her past.”
Logan knew that already; he’d seen that side of her a lot since he’d come back. “And other times?”
Xavier simply shrugged. “Well, she can be very private as well. There are only a couple of people, other than you, that I know she shares her thoughts and emotions with on a regular basis. That need to keep herself separate from others comes in large part from her fears about her mutant abilities.”
Logan nodded in an absent-minded way. “She’s afraid that she might hurt somebody.”
Xavier nodded. “Yes, she fears that very much. So she limits her personal contact with others. If I were you, I would feel very privileged to be among that elite group.”
Logan nodded, feeling a ray of hope fill him at the admission that she perhaps wouldn’t shoot him down just out of the gate. “I do. I was kinda surprised that she told me ‘bout growin’ up in Cairo; learnin’ ta steal and pick pocket when she ran away from the orphanage. Was her life ever normal?”
The professor sighed as he set aside his teacup, his tone and bearing suddenly somber and serious. “No, I’m afraid it wasn’t. You see, Ororo’s parents were Americans; she was actually born in New York but they took her to Africa soon afterwards. The details that I have uncovered are vague, but I believe that around the time that she would have been 5 years old, there was an explosion at their hotel. The building collapsed, killing her father and trapping her and her wounded mother inside. They were trapped for hours and her mother died during that time. In fact, though Ororo had no physical wounds, the psychic trauma was devastating.”
Logan nodded, the final piece clicking into place in his head “I wondered why she was so claustrophobic; it’s rare enough that most people don’t come by it honestly.”
The professor nodded. “If you mean born with it, then yes that is correct, she developed the condition as result of the psychological trauma she suffered at the death of her mother. But I believe that something else happened to her as well that day to heighten the mental trauma even further. I believe that her powers spontaneously manifested soon afterwards as a result of the shock.”
“You mean that her mutant powers have been active for that long?” At Xavier’s nod, Logan felt a newfound respect for Ororo grow inside him. To have been put through the trauma of losing her parents and then be forced to realize that she wasn’t normal. How could any child ever grow up to be a normal functioning adult?
“It’s amazing that she managed to control them as well as she did for so long before I found her and managed to block a great deal of her strength. If she hadn’t, I shudder to think of the consequences if she had lost control.”
“Chuck, I don’t understand. If you’d managed to block her that day she picked your pocket, then why didn’t you bring her back here with you?”
“I tried; but there was some beauracratic nonsense that slowed the whole process down and by the time the smoke cleared and she was my responsibility, she was gone; off wandering the plains of the Serengeti.”
Logan couldn’t help himself, he was fascinated. He had known Ororo a long time but there had never been a need for such in depth sharing between them. There relationship was deep and fulfilling on its own merits; but now, well now he understood a little more about what made her so unique. “So what happened then? How did she still end up here?”
“I managed to locate her, at great mental cost to myself. You must remember that this all predates my establishment of the X-men and my building Cerebro. My reach was not quite as extensive then; but I did manage to implant a subconscious urge to come here, to Westchester, to meet me. It took some time, but she ended up here after another twelve years or so and she has remained here ever since.”
“What about the years in between? Did you ever ask her about any of that?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I did. She told me that she had been adopted by a tribe of nomads somewhere on the Serengeti. They worshipped her as a goddess because of her white hair and her ability to control the weather. They saw to her every whim so long as she provided rain whenever they requested. She stayed for a time but the suggestion that I had implanted was never far from her thoughts and so after awhile, she let it push her onto the next place.”
“Let me guess, somehow she ended up in New Orleans.” Logan knew that Remy thought of her as a sister and she had told them they spent some time together in New Orleans. But he had wondered just how that had managed to fall into place.
“Eventually yes; I suspect that she flew herself over here because she had neither passport nor birth certificate to prove her true heritage. It seems that the block I had placed upon her had begun to wear off and she came into her full power somewhere around fifteen years of age.”
Logan whistled softly; to have been responsible for such great power for so long must be somewhat draining, to say the least. He found himself with even more respect for Ororo and her abilities than he had ever thought possible.
“Precisely. Once in New Orleans, she met Remy Lebeau and his family. They practically adopted the girl and Remy has taken great pride in telling me how much they helped her to hone her craft. If you ever wish to challenge Ororo, give her a lock to pick; she has no greater joy, save her plants, than lock picking. It is a hard won skill and one she does not get a great chance to practice.”
Logan smiled at that thought, putting it away for future use.
“From there, she somehow made her way northward until one day, soon after I had founded my school and gathered a small handful of mutants, Scott, Jean and Hank among them, she knocked on my door. I of course greeted her warmly, welcoming her here. And the rest is history, as they say. Does any of this help you?”
“Yeah, actually. I just need some time ta sort it all out in my head. But I think that I understand why she sticks ta herself; for a very long time, it was all she ever had.”
Xavier smiled at him, pleased that he had understood so quickly. “Yes, and we have all spent the last several years trying to convince her that was no longer true. We’ve had some success as you’ve seen but well, she cannot help being who she is. And we will not love her any less for it. Have a good evening Logan. And if you have anymore questions, please come back and see me.”
Logan quietly shut the door, leaving the professor to his tea and his book.
A short time later, Logan sat on the shoreline of a nearby lake, pondering what the professor had told him. In many ways, certain aspects of Ororo’s personality now made perfect sense. She had always seemed to be such a serious person. In fact, the first time he had ever seen a bit of levity from her had been the night when she had caved to the children’s demands and showed a number of mindless, yet entertaining movies.
Logan understood her powers on a basic level; she had complete control over a massively chaotic and enormous worldwide system. He couldn’t begin to fathom the mental discipline needed to simply function through a normal day. And he had witnessed first hand the power at her disposal when she had been called on to use that control in defense of herself and others. The fact that she seemed so poised, controlled, even aloof and cold should come as no surprise to anyone that truly knew and understood her; she needed to maintain her emotions in order to maintain her control over the very climate around her.
Logan had been shown a very special side of her in the past couple of months; a side which he knew, without a doubt that very few others had seen. And he began to understand just why many people reacted to her the way that they did. Because of her very desire to remain somewhat apart from those around her, save her closest friends, she continued to feed the image of the “ice queen” to everyone.
Logan began to understand that this desire stemmed not from her desire to protect herself, but rather from the desperate desire to protect each and every person around her. If she was not close to them, they could not be hurt by her. In many ways, Logan wondered just how she had managed to stay mentally stable when she willingly stunted herself emotionally.
Well, she ain’t gonna shut me out. I won’t let her do it. Even the strongest people need someone to love them and care about them. He knew that the only way she would let him in was if he bowled over all her attempts to raise her defenses against him. But he’d have to be subtle at first; he needed to be on the inside before she even knew that she’d opened the door.
I’ve got to make her see that keeping herself shut out ain’t the way to protect those we love. Besides, I got an edge; there ain’t nothing she can dish out that I can’t handle. At least I don’t think there is.
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