La Revelación
After the scene at the house, she insisted Logan leave. She didn’t tell him who had gone storming from her house. The sad part was that he didn’t even know what was going on. A whole event of things had transpired in a matter of seconds and he was none the wiser. Maybe it was for the best right now, but he would know soon enough, though.
She’d spent most of the day pacing from room to room in deep thought. She wouldn’t answer the phone; she wouldn’t answer the door. She didn’t leave the house for anything. She needed time alone to mull over what happened, to really let it take shape in her mind. If she’d been a drinking woman, she would have already drowned herself in half the wine in the wine cellar.
She smiled a little to herself when she remembered how she explained to Logan the night before the reason why wine glasses have long stems, which ultimately resulted in him saying that wine wasn’t worth the trouble wine snobs gave it. Then, Ororo let the smile slip from her face when she thought about the look in Jean’s eyes when she saw them together.
She knew she didn’t have a reason to feel guilty, but she couldn’t help feeling like she’d done something wrong. She had done something wrong. She had deceived Jean. And how was she supposed to look Joaquín in the eyes knowing she’d made love to another man, even though they hadn’t put a status on their relationship? If she had just listened to herself, if she’d just let Logan go his own way, she wouldn’t have this dilemma to deal with.
Ororo arrived at the club earlier than usual. She knew Jean would already be there, handling last minute business as always. She wasn’t sure what to expect. She couldn’t remember the last time she argued with Jean about something this serious. She didn’t want this to cause a rift between them, but she wasn’t sure if she would be so lucky. This was one of those situations where everything went wrong and only time and understanding could heal it.
When she entered the club, Jean was at the bar, staring idly into space. She turned her eyes to Ororo slowly, as she came around the bar. Then, she turned her back to Ororo. Ororo knew this wouldn’t be easy, and she only hoped they could come out of this with some kind of understanding. She stopped a few feet away from Jean. Guilt burned away at her.
“Jean…” Ororo started.
Jean clinched a towel between her hands, twisting it tightly. She took a deep breath and finally turned to face Ororo. “Hello, Ororo,” she said with a smile. The smile was too big for her face, making her eyes squint unnaturally. It looked more like a grimace than a smile. Ororo tried to smile back, but her lips felt like lead.
“Jean”” Ororo tried again, moving closer to Jean, trying to find the words to make her friend understand. She didn’t know how she would ever begin to explain this whole mess to Jean.
Jean cleared her throat, putting the towel back on the bar. She started running her fingers nervously through her hair. It was a sign that Jean was trying to control her emotions. Ororo would have preferred if she just let it all out and be done with it. She’d rather hear everything that was in Jean’s heart than to be clueless about what she really felt.
“I came by your place this morning,” Jean continued. Her eyes began to water and her voice broke on the last syllable. Jean took another deep breath and averted her eyes away from Ororo, clearing her throat again. “I knocked on your door, but you didn’t answer. We were supposed to go shopping today, remember?”
“Yes, I remember, but””
“Your door was unlocked, so I figured that meant you were up already. So, I walked right in.” Jean bit her lip and then repeated in a quieter voice. “I walked right in. I thought you were upstairs somewhere and couldn’t hear me, so I went up the stairs. You were upstairs all right. Only, you were busy.”
The word “busy” was nothing more than an angry spit from Jean’s mouth. Her eyes blazed when she turned them back to Ororo. They asked questions, demanded answers.
“I never meant to hide anything from you or hurt you.” Ororo said, reaching out to touch Jean’s hand, but Jean pulled away from her.
During all the times she’d obsessed over her own feelings, she had never considered what Jean might’ve felt if she ever found out. She had never considered that behind Jean’s flippant admission to sleeping with Logan that maybe she actually cared for Logan. Maybe, it was because she never meant for Jean to find out. Maybe, it was because she was selfish, concerned only for her own feelings.
“You didn’t?” Jean asked with a hard chuckle.
“Just let me explain, okay? What happened last night between Logan and me was a mistake. He came over to talk. We needed to clear the air between us.”
“I could see there was a lot of talking going on, so I guess you two made up.” Jean said sarcastically.
“I didn’t know about you and Logan until you told Yuriko and me about it that day at the club. I heard some things, but I thought they were just rumors. After that, before that even, I knew I could not continue to let him…” Ororo’s voice trailed. She knew it wasn’t a very good explanation, but she was trying.
“But you have continued to let him, even after you knew.” Jean spat at her. Ororo turned her eyes downward. “Were you really that desperate that you would go after my sloppy seconds? Logan doing something for you that Joaquín isn’t?”
Ororo jerked her head up, her angry glare clashing with Jean’s. Here she was trying to apologize to Jean only to be accused of going after Jean’s leftovers. What right did Jean actually have to be angry? She admitted to toying with Logan, to only wanting him for one thing. She admitted that she would never leave Scott. Who really committed the sin between them?
“How can you be possessive of a man that isn’t truly yours? Maybe, I was stupid to get involved with Logan, but you’re married for Goddess’s sake and you’re about to have another man’s baby.” Ororo immediately quieted after that. She hadn’t meant to use that as ammunition against Jean.
“He told you that?” Jean asked softly. She was the one who looked away this time.
“Yes.” Ororo admitted.
“That’s some pillow talk.”
“He just needed to talk to someone about it. He is genuinely worried.” Ororo paused before she had the chance to tell Jean that he said she tried to avoid the real problems caused by the subject. She’d said enough for one day. “Look, I will not apologize to you for being with Logan. I’m not the one who should be sorry for that, but I will apologize for saying the things I said to you and for not being honest with you about Logan. But I will not allow you to make me feel guilty for being with him.”
She’d already done that to herself enough, and she didn’t need Jean making it any worse. Jean didn’t answer her immediately. “We’re adults here. There’s no sense in us arguing over Logan.” Jean said. Her face was stony and unreadable, but Ororo could still hear the anger in her voice.
“I think we should just sit down and talk about this.” Nothing had truly been resolved between them. Ororo knew it would only fester underneath the surface until it boiled over.
“What more is there to talk about? Are we supposed to share a play-by-play of our times with Logan? Or should we start planning a weekly schedule of who gets Logan on what days?” Jean asked derisively. “Pardon me if I decline the invitation.”
Ororo felt her anger threatening to get the best of her again, but she calmed herself. She wouldn’t resort to that sort of behavior. “That’s not what I meant. I meant we need to sit down together and discuss this. This is not something that will just go away.”
“Don’t you get it yet, Ororo? I don’t want to discuss it. Not now, not ever. I don’t want to know about Logan and you. You were my friend…” Jean’s words trailed. Jean shook her head. “I want to just get on with my life. In time, this will become a thing of the past. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”
Jean didn’t wait for Ororo’s reply as she walked toward her office. Ororo thought about chasing her and making her listen to what she had to say, but she didn’t. She would have to wait until Jean had time to cool down before she tried to talk to her again.
“Well, that went well.” Ororo said to herself dryly.
There was just one other person she felt obligated to talk to.
Jean left early, leaving terse instructions for them to lock up good after the club closed. She’d been acting funny all night. Jean had her moods, and he figured they would be worse now that she was pregnant. He hadn’t worried about. He probably should’ve worried more than he did. He wanted to be there for her, but he wasn’t sure what he was doing or how to go about all this. Was he supposed to go after her? Ask her what was wrong? What?
He wasn’t so sure Ororo had been right when she said he’d make a good father. He already felt like he was doing everything wrong and nothing good could come of this. He didn’t go after Jean. He probably should have, but lately, it seemed like he rarely did anything he was supposed to do.
So, he held his position at the bar, serving the drunks and listening to the so-called music. Then, he’d seen Ororo come down the stairs that led to the upstairs bar with Joaquín in tow. He was just like her goddamn shadow. Wherever she went he went. She led him down the hallway where Jean’s office and the storage room were located.
When he saw her leading Joaquín into the back, his curiosity had gotten the better of him. He tried to ignore it. Whatever she had to say to him was none of his business. Then, he reasoned that maybe it had something to do with him, and he was entitled to hear it if it concerned him. Right? Of course, he was.
So, he left Gumbo to man the bar. That probably wasn’t the smartest thing he’d ever done considering Remy’s track record, but he did it nonetheless. He heard nearly everything, and he hadn’t liked anything he heard. He couldn’t understand why Ororo was so hell-bent on having Joaquín’s approval.
He’d stood by the storeroom door. It wasn’t completely closed and wouldn’t close completely since that asshole, Creed, nearly ripped it off the hinges the week before during one of his fits”whatever those were about. Jean hadn’t gotten around to getting it fixed and good thing, too. For once, though, he could say that Creed did do something worthwhile.
Light spilled from the small sliver in the doorway. He should’ve been worried about being seen, but what was the worse that could happen if they did see him, the tea party would breakup? Joaquín had his back turned to the door, and Ororo was facing him. He could make out the bothered expression on her face as she began to talk to him.
He knew what he was hoping to hear her say. He wanted her to tell Joaquín to get lost in that nice way that only she could say it. He wanted to hear her tell him that there was someone else, that she wasn’t moving away. He thought he’d made some kind of breakthrough with her earlier until she clammed up about whoever was in her house.
He’d wondered about that most of the day. Apparently, the person who’d been in her house was someone she knew. This person also made her attitude change drastically. One minute, she seemed to be really listening to him, believing him, melting into him. Then, the next she was cold and unresponsive. He actually hoped that person had been Joaquín, and this conversation was about that.
“There’s something I need to tell you about or rather someone I need to tell you about.” Ororo said, staring intently at Joaquín’s face.
Logan found himself feeling a little apprehensive about what she would really tell him. Obviously, she was about to tell him about them. Whether it would be good or bad, he didn’t know.
“Okay,” he heard Joaquín say, drawing out the syllables.
She started fiddling with the collar of her shirt. “Okay,” she said with resolution in her voice. “Remember on our first date how we made up a life for a woman we didn’t even know.”
Joaquín nodded in the affirmative, and Logan raised his eyebrow. They did what? Made up lives for people? It didn’t make much sense to him, but that was beside the point. What she was about to say about the two of them was what he considered important.
“Then, you remember how her life became increasingly depressing once I started talking and how I said””
“That maybe she deserved to be treated like a whore.” Joaquín finished her sentence for her.
Logan furrowed his eyebrows. He knew that she felt he treated her like a sex toy, that he didn’t take her feelings into account, but she had never told him that she believed that she deserved it. He never wanted her to feel like he was treating her like a whore. He hadn’t wanted her to get attached; he hadn’t wanted to get attached. But things never worked out how you wanted them too with things like this.
“Right, and then you said…”
“Has she ever stopped to think that we might not always deserve what we get?”
“Yes,” she said softly, a small smile lighting her face. “And I know you realized that we were no longer talking about the woman. I mean, it wasn’t that moment that made you realize. You realized it long before we ever got to that point in the conversation.”
“Yes, we were talking about you,” he said frankly. Ororo touched the side of the face. Logan averted his eyes when she did that. He could see this definitely wasn’t going where he wanted it to. At least, he didn’t believe it was.
“I always liked your honesty, but yes, we were talking about me. Weren’t you ever curious about it?” she asked.
“Of course, I wanted to know more about the person who hurt you, but I did not want to pry. I knew you would tell me when you were ready for me to know.”
“Well, I’m ready to tell you,” she said quietly.
And she did just that. Logan listened as she told Joaquín everything from the very beginning to what happened between them the night before. She explained everything in vivid detail, explaining her feelings, explaining her position. She didn’t blame as much as she placed blame on herself for being stupid. Honestly, he found himself feeling a little ashamed himself. Some of the things she said, he never knew she felt about him. She’d told him what she felt in so many words, but she’d never described her feelings in explicit detail to him as she was doing now with Joaquín.
She looked away from Joaquín when she finished. Tears ran out her of her eyes, but she didn’t make a sound. Neither one of them said anything. He guessed Joaquín was letting all this new information sink in. “I can understand if you never want to see me again.” Ororo said. A part of Logan hoped he did say he didn’t want to see her, but another part knew if Joaquín gave up now he was the stupidest son-of-a-bitch ever.
“No, I want to be here for you,” Joaquin finally said, pulling Ororo into a hug. Logan flinched as if he was the one who’d been touched.
She clung to Joaquín, relief washing over her face. “I just needed you to know everything before we went any further in our relationship, if it goes any further.”
“I am glad that you told me, and I would like to see where our relationship goes.” Joaquin said softly, stroking Ororo’s hair.
“You don’t know how happy you’ve made me since we’ve met. I spent most of my time loathing myself, wondering what was wrong with me, but when I’m with you, it’s like I can’t hate myself.” Ororo said.
“Why should you hate yourself?” he asked. “We have all made mistakes, but we learn from them.”
The mistake, Logan was tired or being referred to as a mistake. Logan told himself that he’d seen enough, and he should get back to the bar. He stood rooted in place. He had to see how all this played out to the end.
“Okay, I’d better get back out there,” she said. She pulled away from the embrace, wiping her eyes of tears.
Logan started to back away from the door, as Ororo made a move to move around Joaquín, but not before he saw Joaquín grab her arm and reel her back into a kiss. Logan stood motionless for moment, warring with the part of him that wanted to go in the room and break every bone in his body. He knew if he stayed there a second longer, somebody was going to be sorry, so he quickly made his way back to the front before action could take over rational thought.
When the club closed, he made his way to the upstairs bar. Yuriko was busy chatting away, as they cleaned the upstairs area. Ororo didn’t say much of anything, but Yuriko hardly ever let anyone get a word in a conversation.
“Hey, can you give us a minute?” Logan asked Yuriko.
Yuriko looked from Ororo to Logan with interest, but she left without any argument. He knew this one would be on the rumor mill before they even went home for the night. Ororo didn’t address him, as she continued to pick up discarded cups. She walked back to the bar and began wiping the counter diligently.
“You know, that was a private conversation you heard,” she said, breaking the silence.
“You mean all that stuff you said to him?” Logan asked, ignoring her last statement. Hell, she didn’t have to tell him it was private. He knew that, but did she really think he cared?
Ororo wiped the counter violently. “Why would I say it if I didn’t mean it?” she asked.
“People say a lotta stuff they don’t mean,” he said, leaning against the counter right next to her. She still wouldn’t look at him.
“You would know a lot about that, wouldn’t you?” he heard her murmur under her breath.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing,” she said. “Logan, look, we’ve caused enough trouble. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but Jean knows. I tried to talk to her earlier, but she wasn’t doing much listening.”
“That’s was who was at your house this morning.”
“She didn’t talk to you?” Ororo asked, sounding a little surprised. No, she hadn’t talked to him, and Logan didn’t believe she would’ve talked to Ororo, either, if Ororo hadn’t already seen her.
“Not about that, no,” he answered. “I don’t think Jean was as blind as she wants you to believe, anyway. I think she always had her suspicions about what was goin’ on.”
“How can you say that?” Ororo asked in disbelief.
“You might buy the princess act, but I know better. Jean ain’t nearly as fragile as you’re actin’ like she is.” There were things that Jean had said or done that made him wonder whether Jean really didn’t know or if she was just playing a part.
“I never said“”
“No, but you act like she is. So, Jean knows about us.” Logan shrugged. “Who cares? I don’t answer to Jean. I don’t answer to nobody. I’m not badmouthin’ Jean or tryin’ to turn you against her, but she ain’t as innocent in all this as you want her to be.”
Ororo didn’t say anything.
“So, why didn’t ya ever tell me the stuff you told him about me?” he asked.
“Because I didn’t think you cared to know,” she said.
Didn’t care to know? What had he been trying to tell her all this time? Did she think he was spilling his guts to her because for his health? He did care. Isn’t that what he’d been saying to her? She couldn’t really be listening to everything he’d said to her if she still thought he “didn’t care to know.” The more he thought about it, the angrier he got.
“What do you want from me?” he asked her, his voice starting to rise. “Do I gotta get down on my knees for you to know I’m serious?” He grabbed her arms, and she looked up at him, startled. “What do you want? I’m tired of askin’ you.”
He let go of her arms before he started shaking her. He had to get away from her before he completely lost his cool with her. Why did he continue to waste her breath, especially now that she made it clear that she wanted Joaquín? Without anymore words, he turned and walked away from her.
