The Goodbye
These women were going to be the death of him. If he died tomorrow, he didn’t want some stupid, saccharine, pseudo-optimistic one-liner engraved on his headstone. He wanted the truth on there. He wanted everyone to know how much of a fuck-up he really was. It should say something like, “Here lies Logan. He died because he couldn’t get his shit together.” He’d be satisfied with that.
Ororo slinked around the club, looking as if she were on the verge of tears. God, if he were her, he would’ve kicked himself between the legs and demanded an apology, but she was much gentler than he was. He didn’t feel he was completely wrong about what he said, but there were better ways to say it. It wasn’t his fault that he’d been born with a blunt tongue. But he could’ve taken it easy on her. He knew he should apologize to her, but his pride wouldn’t let him.
He had tried to swallow his pride once with her, and where had it gotten him? Nowhere. And he knew he should leave it all alone, but he couldn’t help the feeling that something more was meant to happen between them. This really wasn’t how this was supposed to all go down. He just had that gut feeling. There was more left to the story.
Jean, on the other hand, was flittering around with this oh-so-smug look, or maybe, he just imagined it because he was pissed like hell at her. It was probably just his imagination, but Jean had been acting very strange, lately. If pregnancy was what made her act so stupid, this should be her first and last child. Next time she got pregnant, she just might try to destroy the world or something.
He wished she would just cut the bullshit. That’s all this whole thing was, a bunch of unnecessary bullshit. Yeah, they’d made a very stupid mistake, and now she was trying to make it worse. He didn’t know what could possibly be going through her mind. Why was she doing any of what she was doing? Was it spite? Genuine fear? Temporary insanity brought on by pregnancy?
Well, if she thought he’d said all he had to say, she was wrong as hell. He found himself following Jean back to her office. “I need to talk to you,” he said to her, as he closed the door to her office.
Ororo tried to keep a friendly face, as she tended to the customers, but her smile felt about as artificial as it probably looked. She dropped two glasses when she lost herself in thought, and Remy joked that she was horning in on his area of expertise. She just wanted to go home and hug a pillow, eat some ice cream, or something as equally emotionally convenient.
Logan’s words had hurt her more than she cared to admit. She just couldn’t get it off her mind no matter how much she wanted to. That’s what she got for even considering anything Yukio had to say about relationships. What did Yukio really know about love? She would make sure to tell her everything she didn’t know about it, as soon as she got a break.
She was better off not listening to her friends’ advice. She knew they meant well, but this is how things usually ended when she did listen to them. She shook her head. She couldn’t blame Yukio for this. As easy as it was, she knew that it wasn’t Yukio’s fault that everything was so fucked up. It’d been fucked up from the beginning, and she couldn’t expect any easy solutions to the problem.
Maybe, she wasn’t supposed to get a solution at all. This could be the way that things were supposed to go. Maybe, things were never supposed to be resolved between them. Or maybe this was as resolved as things were ever going to get between them.
She had to let him go. She wasn’t telling herself anything she’d already told herself a million times. Logan had been a crux. In some ways, he’d been good for her. In more ways, he’d been bad for her. And she could think of so many reasons why she shouldn’t be with him, and she could think of one reason why she should be with him that made all the reasons for not being with him null.
“Let him go,” she said to herself, clenching her teeth together. Even after everything that happened, including what he said to her, she couldn’t seem to give it up completely. She reminded herself that it was painful when she was away from him, but it was torture being with him, too. She didn’t know how she planned to get over him if she had to see him constantly.
She was going to eventually crack if she continued to let things go on like this, especially with the constant bantering with herself where Logan was concerned. Maybe, she was being the jerk about the situation. Why couldn’t she just sit down with Logan and talk this through completely, get it all out in the open? No, why couldn’t she just let it all go? Goddess, she had to let it go. She was letting it go.
So, this was her throwing in the towel. No more. She couldn’t stand it, anymore. She’d had all the frustration she was going to take from this situation for one lifetime. She was just too tired to keep fighting with it. She was just prolonging her sadness by hanging on to all this. She had better things to do with her life. Yukio was in her life. Joaquín was in her life. They made her happy, and she would work harder on being happy.
She just couldn’t leave things unresolved between Jean and her. She might’ve reached that peak of resolution with Logan, but there was still much to be said with Jean. While she didn’t anticipate that they would end up teary-eyed and hugging, she hoped they were able to come to some sort of agreement, and she decided that time was right now.
She knew now was an inopportune time, but she really had some things she needed to get off her chest. This would be the only time she could really catch Jean. And Jean may still decide to never talk to her again, but at least, she’d made some effort to salvage some type of affable rapport between them. She walked toward Jean’s office, slowly, thinking and rethinking what she would say to her.
She heard angry voices coming from Jean’s office. Logan and Jean, they were arguing. Didn’t anyone get along anymore? She decided to just turn around and go back to her post, taking it as a sign that she didn’t need to talk to Jean right then, until she heard Logan say, “You can’t tell Scott that baby is his.”
Ororo’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. She’d been curious as to how they were going to handle Scott. She’d had many theories on what would happen with that, but she never would have expected that one. She’d known Jean for years, and if someone had told her that Jean was capable of such thought, she would’ve called him or her a liar.
To think that Jean would tell Scott it was his baby! Didn’t she value Scott more than that? She probably thought she was protecting him, but she couldn’t really believe that they’d be the picture-perfect family with something like that hanging over her head. She listened to the conversation between them a few more minutes.
Jean’s tone was so calm, so eerily calm. Ororo didn’t believe she was in her right mind. She couldn’t be if she truly planned to go through with that plan, and to listen to Logan plead and plead with her, it was enough to break her heart. He really did want to be part of the child’s life, and Jean was basically saying she was going to snatch that away from him.
She wondered if this is what had been on Logan’s mind earlier or if Jean just told him that before she walked up. Why was she listening to any of this? She should let them sort out their own problems. It was none of her concern. She could just walk away and pretend that she hadn’t heard a thing at all, but she knew she couldn’t.
“I’ll tell Scott the truth myself,” she heard Logan say to Jean angrily after a few minutes. And she silently cheered him on. One of them had to have enough sense to know they had to tell the truth.
“No, you won’t. I know you too well. You wouldn’t do anything so stupid.” Jean replied with a hard chuckle.
Ororo had heard enough. She couldn’t believe that Jean was actually considering that. “Jean, I can’t believe you.” Ororo said, barging into the office interrupting the two. Both Jean and Logan turned to glare at her, angrily.
“So, you’ve resorted to eavesdropping, now.” Jean said accusingly.
“That isn’t fair to anyone, Jean, especially not Scott.” Ororo said, ignoring Jean’s comment. Hell yeah, she’d been eavesdropping. It hadn’t been intentional on her part, but it happened. That should’ve been the least of Jean’s worries at the moment, though. Nothing was more important than the decision she was making at that moment.
“I didn’t ask you.” Jean said nastily.
Ororo was slightly taken aback by the tone Jean had used with her, but she was right. She didn’t ask her, but if Jean ever cared about her, she would listen to her, even though she was angry with her. She could hold whatever grudge she wanted against her, but she couldn’t continue to weave these lies. She was going to destroy three lives with her stubbornness. She might fool Scott for the time being, if she had her way. But the truth eventually came to the light. She knew that from firsthand experience.
She wouldn’t watch Jean ruin the people around her, the people who were closest to her. She wouldn’t be a part of any of this, anymore. If Jean wanted her out of the way so bad, she would get her wish. “I quit.” Ororo said, slamming her fist on the desk. She turned on her heel, quickly, leaving Logan and Jean gaping after her.
Logan looked back toward Jean, after Ororo left. Jean was just as shocked, too, but she tried to cover up her surprise with a blasé wave of her hand. What he wanted to know was why the hell was he still standing there in front of Jean when Ororo was the one leaving? He froze in his tracks for a moment, unsure of what to day.
Should he really run after Ororo? It wasn’t a matter of pride now. It was a matter of should when he was trying to get things straight with Jean. If he went in search of Ororo, would that be proof that he considered her more important than this? Nothing was more important than this, but…
Jean was looking at him, as if he was going crazy. “What’s wrong with you, Logan?” she asked with a frown. He wanted to tell her to shut up he was thinking, and he couldn’t think while she was talking because she distracted him. He didn’t, though. He was wasting time. If he was going to continue to talk to Jean, he’d better get to talking. If he was going after Ororo, he’d better get to walking.
“Logan, snap out of it,” he heard Jean say to him. He looked at her. He reasoned that Jean would always be there, but Ororo was leaving. She was important, too. He turned and walked off in the direction that Ororo had disappeared in.
He caught Ororo in the break room. She was pulling on her coat in a fury, muttering to herself, angrily. After she said she quit, he stood there shocked. He expected her to say a lot of things, but he hadn’t expected to up and quit like that. She jerked opened her locker and started pulling things out of it.
“Are you leavin’ because of me?” he asked, and she jumped, turning around to look at him.
“I didn’t hear you come in,” she said. She turned away from him again, slowly taking her things out of the locker. “And no, I am not leaving because of you.”
“Then, why are you goin’?” he asked.
She paused for a moment, then continued pulling things out of her locker. “Because I’m just sick of the whole thing,” she said, trying to sound unconcerned. What was with the nonchalant act everyone was putting on?
“So, it is because of me,” he said grimly. Why wouldn’t she just admit it? Was she worried about hurting his feelings? Because if she was, that was the last thing she had to worry about. Yeah, it would sting, but he’d rather she be honest with him.
“No,” she said, turning to him again. Her voice held more fervor this time. “It was inevitable. Everything has been leading up to this moment. It’s just time for me to move on with my life. Jean brought me here to keep me from moping, to see there was still some fun left in life. I’ve learned that, and it’s time for me to go.”
“I don’t think you’re bein’ honest.”
“I’m not,” she said with a sigh. She sat on the bench in front of the lockers. “I just can’t be part of this anymore. Everything is just falling apart, and I feel this will be better resolved if I’m not here. It’s not just you, though, Logan. It’s everything. I can’t take it anymore.”
It wasn’t just about him, so that meant he did play some role in this decision. He sat on the bench beside her, and she looked down at her hands. “Is this what you been plannin’ all along, to just quit?” he asked.
She shook her head rapidly. “No, I hadn’t planned to quit at all. The words were out before I could stop them,” she looked up at him. He could see the honesty in her eyes.
“I’m sorry about what I said to you earlier. I was just blowin’ off some steam.” It was his turned to look down at his hands.
“You spoke the truth,” she said. “I don’t blame you for not wanting to be friends. It was a stupid thing to say, anyway.”
He wouldn’t say it was a stupid thing to say. It was more of a coward’s way out of a relationship. He knew. He’d used the same excuse before, but he had never felt like this about any of the others. Still, he didn’t want her to think what he said was because he wanted to get back at her.
“I can’t be your friend, but it ain’t out of spite or nothin’. I can’t be your friend because I can’t stand the thought of you with someone else.” There he’d said it. He was just too stubborn, always wanting things to go his way or no way, and things with her were no exception.
“Oh,” she said quietly.
He hated when people said “oh” and nothing else. He never knew how to distinguish what it meant. Was than an “oh, you’re a dumb ass?” Or “oh, I don’t know what to say?” Or was it some other kind of “oh?” But she had this sort of half-smile on her face, so maybe, she wasn’t thinking he was a dumb ass.
“I was really pissed off because of Jean. She told me her brilliant idea last night.” After he’d come from the bar, after he tried to call her and got that fucker. He told Ororo all about how Jean had come to his apartment, had the audacity to try to sleep with him, and then pull that shit with the baby. Jean had gone completely nuts.
“Logan, I don’t know your feelings for Jean, but you do have to tell Scott if she won’t. He deserves to know.” Ororo said. He knew that Scott needed to know.
Logan snorted. That was the one thing Jean was right about. He’d never tell Scott. “He don’t need to hear that from me. She should be the one to tell him. If I tell him, I’ll be the bitch tryin’ to rub it in his face or some shit.”
“Jean should tell him, but she’s obviously made up her mind not to do so. He really should know about the whole thing from the start of the affair instead of hearing it through rumors. But I guess it really isn’t my place to tell adults how to handle their affairs,” she said with a disapproving tone.”
“What will you do now?” he asked her, changing the subject. He didn’t want the thought of Jean and Scott to overshadow what was going on now. This was something monumental, a moment when she wasn’t running from him.
“I don’t know. I decided not to sell the house, after all. I might just take that much needed vacation, though, to sort through some things,” she said.
“Will I ever see you again?”
“Of course you will,” she said laughing, as if he’d asked the stupidest thing ever. He guessed that sudden need to get away had died… somewhat.
“Ro…” he said, and this time she didn’t try to rip his head off for calling her that. He reached for her hand, but she pulled back from him gently.
“Don’t. I need you to let go. Let me go, just let me go,” she pleaded with him. He didn’t want to, but he remembered that she said if it was meant to be it would be. She stood from the bench. “Goodbye, Logan,” she kissed him softly on the cheek.
And just like that, she was gone.
Author's Notes: Monica, Beauty and Pain is up next. Then I'm doing Deconstructing Ororo, so you'll know exactly what to bug me about. ;) Thanks for the reviews, everyone. I am home now, but I forgot that I have this Native American/American Indian Heritage thing (I'm part Native American) coming up. And while I won't have to travel half-way across the country for it, I may be distracted for a few days.
