So Much to Give
Ororo paused in front of a set of steps. The second set she’d encountered since she left the table. She’d gone the wrong way when she made her great escape. Now, every turn she made seem to take her deeper in the labyrinth of the mansion. Every time she thought she found a door that led outside, she’d find a classroom, or a library, or a computer room. Even in her frenzy to get out, she still found enough room in her brain to admire the man who opened up his home to his students and dedicated so much time to making sure they had the best any school could offer.
She’d thought she would have encountered one of his students by now. She knew that the ages of his students varied greatly, but she’d been under the impression that a large population of them were in their teens. She hadn’t seen any of them, except a few of the seniors who would be making presentations during the benefit. And she’d only seen them in the ballroom.
She could turn around, but if she turned around, she’d have to go back through the ballroom. She’d much rather wander around the endless maze of the Xavier mansion than face anyone at that table, again. Eventually, she’d find a door that led to the outside (at least, she hoped she did). Maybe she’d finally run into one of the other students residing in the mansion, and he or she would be gracious enough to point her to a door.
She ignored the inner voice that told her to just give it up and go back. She couldn’t”not now. She was wearing her embarrassment like war wounds. Everything stemmed from the chaos her emotions had become once she was faced with Jean and Logan. She told herself that she was in control, that she could overcome the fact that they were there. She was an adult, and she would act like an adult. But there was that saying about the best laid plans that applied to her.
She knew she’d come undone when Logan sat beside her. Her feelings ran amuck inside of her, and because she didn’t feel it was right to direct her frustration at the situation toward Jean or Logan, she’d directed them toward Cain when he touched a raw nerve. He hadn’t been bothered by her, though. He’d brushed her anger off like lint on his suit. He had angered her. There was no doubt about that, but she thought she’d let him affect her so easily because she was already an emotional mess.
Ororo looked up the stairs when she saw slight movement from the corner of her eye, catching the small figure of a little girl as she retreated up the stairs. “Hello?” Ororo said, only to have the soft patter of feet answer her. She paused at the base of the stairs before going after the girl. She was already lost. How much more lost could she get? Besides, the girl would be able to tell her how to get out.
Two pigtails bounced like pom-poms as she ran inside a room, leaving the door cracked. Ororo pushed the door open to find the girl in her bed with her eyes closed tightly; she’d even started snoring softly. And it was almost believable. Ororo entered the room, quietly. The room was done in all pink with ballerina slippers pirouetting their way across the tops of the girl’s walls. “I know you’re not sleep.” Ororo said quietly.
The girl opened her eyes, looking slightly guilty. “Please, don’t tell my daddy that I wasn’t in bed,” the girl said, sitting up in her bed. The girl pushed the pink covers aside and sat Indian-style on the bed.
“And what are you doing out of bed, then?” Ororo said in mock consternation, raising one eyebrow at the girl.
The girl started shrugging her shoulders in defense, her large brown eyes blinking rapidly. She stood up from her bed, walking over to Ororo. “I just wanted to see the party. Mommy and daddy said I wasn’t big enough to come to this one. It’s not my fault! Kitty was s’pose to be watching me, but she’s in the rec room kissing her boyfriend. It’s really gross. Daddy worries too much, anyway. I’m almost seven. I can take care of myself.” The girl said puffing up her chest to prove her point.
She was the cutest little thing with her cherub cheeks and large eyes. She’d always been a sucker for the cute ones. Ororo stooped to the girl’s eye-level. “Of course you can take care of yourself, but daddies are supposed to worry.”
“I know,” she said. She paused briefly, eying Ororo. “You’re gonna make me go back to bed. Aren’t you?”
“Well, you’re nearly seven, so I’ll let you make that decision yourself. Do you think you should be in bed?”
The girl squinted her eyes as if she were really thinking the question through, tapping one small finger against her chin. “Perhaps, I should go to bed. I wouldn’t want to worry daddy and I wouldn’t want to get Kitty in trouble.” The girl spoke astutely, even though there was still innocence there. There was already a youthful level-headedness in the girl’s attitude. Ororo had always wanted children. Perhaps, one day, she’d have a little girl as perceptive as this one.
“Before you go to bed, I need your help. What’s your name?”
“My name’s Nina Xavier. I’m adopted,” she said matter-of-factly.
“My name is Ororo Munroe, Nina. And I’m lost. Can you show me a door leading outside?”
“Okay!” the girl said, obviously happy to avoid bedtime a little longer.
Nina took Ororo’s hand, leading her back to the hallway and down the stairs. She chatted happily, her words stumbling over each other in childlike enthusiasm, while showing Ororo through the maze that didn’t seem so complicated once she had someone to show her where she was going.
“Mommy and Daddy’s house is really big, isn’t it? I used to get lost all the time,” Nina said as she related a story to Ororo about how she’d somehow found an old laundry shoot that she fell down, which resulted in her needing twelve stitches on her right arm. She showed the scar to Ororo proudly. Finally, they arrived at a foyer, and Nina pointed toward a set of doors. “That’s the front door.”
Ororo thanked the girl before she disappeared again (but not before Nina promised that she was going straight to the bed). She let out a sigh of relief as she started toward the door. She wanted nothing more than for the night to be over, and seeing the door ahead meant she was that much closer to freedom. She couldn’t wait to get home and relax. She would deal with Selene tomorrow at work.
“I wondered how long it would be before you made your way here,” she heard him say before she actually saw him. She stopped in mid-step, looking to her right, mildly surprised to see him walking from one of the side rooms.
“What are you doing here?” she asked him. He should be back in the ballroom with Jean. Not here. She wasn’t ready for this. She would never be ready for this. But she was silently pleased that he had come after her. That had to mean something after all. Get it together, Munroe. It only means that he doesn’t want to stomp your heart in front of everyone, she said to herself.
“I have a better sense of direction than you do,” he said, eyes sparkling with mirth.
Logan watched Ororo run her fingers nervously through her short locks, her eyes darting away from him. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.” Ororo said, not as amused as he was. He said it to test how upset she was, and he could tell by her snappy come back that she was just a little upset. He knew Cain had pushed her hard at their table, but it wasn’t just about Cain’s attitude.
She had a look that said he should back off. He could wait for a better time, but he never knew when a better time would be. Besides, he was a man that took opportunities; he wasn’t a man who waited for a “better time.” He’d never get anything accomplished if he waited for a “better time,” considering there rarely was a “better time” where he was concerned.
“Look, I’m going home, okay. I really don’t have time for this.” Ororo said heatedly.
“Is there somethin’ wrong with me wantin’ to talk to you?” This was something they’d talked about before, and now, she was acting as if he belonged in a leper colony.
“There’s a lot wrong with it.” Women, they always knew exactly what to say to confuse him. He felt as if he’d missed a whole conversation revolving around them. When he didn’t answer immediately, she just shook her head and started toward the door again. He made it there first, though, opening one of the large doors for her.
“Thank you,” she muttered. “I didn’t know you had manners.”
“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”
“That’s the one thing I think we agree on,” she said, turning to face him. He felt guilty even though he was sure she wasn’t trying to guilt trip him. She’d spoken the truth, though. He couldn’t say she hadn’t made an effort before, but he’d always shut her down, afraid of what revealing himself to her would really mean. At the time, he thought the less they knew about each other, the easier it would be not to form ties. He was wrong on all accounts.
“That’s somethin’ I’d like to change.”
“That’s something I don’t want to talk about right now.”
He wanted to ask why, but there was no reason to force it out of her. “How was Spain?” he asked, changing the subject to safer waters. What he was really asking was what was going on between her and what’s-his-face.
“Spain… agreed with me,” she answered slowly, not mentioning Joaquín at all. Did that mean he was out of the picture for good? He hoped so.
“Did you find what you were lookin’ for?” he asked carefully.
“Who said I was looking for anything?” she countered. Her answer didn’t sound too convincing. She walked slowly toward the slew of cars parked in front of the mansion, and she didn’t seem to mind much when he walked in step beside her.
“Isn’t that why you left?”
“I left because I couldn’t deal with this. So, if you’re asking me if I found peace, I did.” This time she sounded a little surer of her answer.
“Were you ever gonna let me know you were back?” he asked, hoping he was stifling the emotions that he felt. He was thrilled that she was back, but he was confused by her attitude toward him. He had a pretty good idea what it was about. But he wasn’t going to address unless she addressed it first.
She stopped walking, handing him a hard stare for all his effort. “Does it matter now, Logan?” she asked a bit too harshly. She turned her face away from his suddenly.
“Yeah, ‘Ro. Why the hell wouldn’t it matter?” he asked. He touched the side of her face, prodding her to look at him again. Her skin felt exactly as he remembered”so soft. Involuntarily, his fingers stroked the side of her face until she grabbed his hand with her own, pushing his hand away from her face.
“Because you’re here with her,” she said as if that was all the explanation they both needed.
He was here with Jean, so that meant they were obviously together. At least, he knew that’s what she was thinking. His first reaction was to tell her that his being at the benefit with Jean didn’t mean he was with Jean. Couldn’t she give him a little credit? He had chased her all the way to goddamn Spain and pledged his love for her like a sixteen-year-old walking hormone.
“And because I’m here with Jean that means that we’re together.”
“Well…” She trailed, not wanting to own up to her own assumption.
“That’s what this whole attitude you’ve been givin’ me is about?” He knew it, but there was still something about hearing her admit it to him.
“Yes,” she admitted sheepishly. “I saw you with her and I automatically assumed that you were with her. That sounds horrible, doesn’t it? She’s having your baby, and I’m pouting like a child.”
“You didn’t stop to think that maybe I was bein’ supportive and concerned for her. And that that had little to do with me wantin’ to be with her. You saw her she’s ready to blow.” That was true. He could say what he wanted to make himself feel better, but he would’ve never let her come alone. She was too close to term.
“Logan!” Ororo said, trying to cover a smile with her free hand. Her other hand still casually held his, and he wondered if she even noticed.
“I’m sorry if you got the wrong impression, but Jean and me, we’re not together.” And we never will be, he added silently.
“No, I’m the one who should be sorry. I decided to come to my own conclusions about Jean and you. Even if you were with her, I have no right to be offended. I’m acting like a jealous girlfriend. Aren’t I?” She said this softly, her thumb rubbing the inside of his palm. And he wanted to kiss her so hard that he’d leave breathless.
“A little.”
“You weren’t supposed to agree with me.” She chuckled lightly, relaxing more with each passing second.
“Would it make you feel better if I said I was flattered?”
“Much.” Ororo said sarcastically, shaking her head at him. They fell into silence. What do they do now? It wasn’t enough that they resolved this issue. What did they do about each other? He didn’t know, but he did know one thing. Kisses were best when they were least expected, and he could tell from the way her eyes widened that she hadn’t expected him to kiss her right there. She didn’t fight against him.
“I missed that,” he said when he pulled back. Their noses were still touching and she had eyes closed tightly like she didn’t want to wake from a dream.
“I did, too,” she whispered, never opening her eyes. Their lips met again, both hands linking this time. Nothing else mattered at that moment besides being with her. He wasn’t worried about Jean, the baby, or anyone else. This was the only thing that mattered; this was the only thing that was right.
“There you are.” Logan heard Jean say behind him.
Ororo quickly pulled away from him, looking a little embarrassed. He turned to look at Jean who looked less than amuse at the two of them being together. He could hear her mentally in his head saying, “I knew you two couldn’t stay away from one another.” She’d known when he left the table where he was going. No sense in her trying to play the injured party. Jean walked toward them, physically putting herself in the large gulf that now separated Ororo and him.
“Yeah, I’ll be right back in.” Logan said, not wanting the moment to end. He knew it would’ve ended one way or another, but he wasn’t ready for it to end just yet. He’d waited an eternity for this moment, and now, Jean was fucking it all up.
“I didn’t mean you. I meant her.” She pointed toward Ororo. “I’m here to set a time for you to come by the club later this week.”
“What?” Ororo said, expression shifting suddenly, question marks forming in her eyes. Ororo turned her eyes toward him, and he shrugged. He didn’t know what Jean was up to, either.
“Selene mentioned you were going to do an article on Kurt for her magazine.” Jean said flatly.
“Selene said I’m doing what?”
“Selene said””
“Okay, rhetorical question, Jean.” Ororo said cutting her off. “I think she’s mistaken. I’m not even a writer.”
Well, this was definitely an interesting turn of events, he decided. Jean pushed ahead as she often did, ignoring Ororo’s pleas of ignorance. “She specifically said that you would be interviewing Kurt. So, how does four o’clock Friday sound?”
Ororo stared blankly at Jean, her face not registering any emotion. “Can I get back to you on that?” she asked quietly.
“That’ll be fine,” she said, turning to Logan suddenly. “Logan, I’m feeling a little tired. Could you take me home?” He could feel the reluctance building up in him as he looked at Ororo, but this was his responsibility. God, he just hoped he didn’t have to hear her harp all the way from the mansion back to her house.
She knew she said she wasn’t going back to the ballroom, but this was serious business. Ororo hadn’t wanted to believe Jean, but she knew Jean wouldn’t lie about that. Selene had mentioned something once before about getting an interview with Kurt, and Selene was well aware that she knew Kurt.
Ororo was relieved to see that dinner was over when she entered the room, again. People were starting to mingle again in anticipation of the presentations. She spotted Selene talking to Cain, and while she didn’t want to see him, again, she had to ask Selene what the hell she’d been thinking when she told Jean that she was interviewing Kurt. She barely mumbled an “excuse me” as she pulled Selene out the room, urgently. Selene protested the whole way, demanding to know what the problem was. Ororo didn’t speak until they were outside the ballroom.
“Selene! Why did you tell Jean that I was going to interview Kurt?” Ororo asked, trying to keep her voice from hitting a shrill whine. Selene had done many things that made her want to commit herself (or better yet”commit Selene) to an institute, but this was different. She was sure that Selene would straighten her out. She’d tell her that she only told Jean that to upset her, and they’d have a good laugh. Didn’t Selene have any sympathy for pregnant women?
“Because you are, Ororo.” Selene said, looking down at her black-lacquered nails. “Is that all you had to ask me? We could’ve talked about this tomorrow.”
Ororo thought that Selene was unable to really understand the emotional depths of some situations. Selene had learned how to harden herself to many things. Other people weren’t quite as skilled in doing that. Selene didn’t let uncomfortable situations bother her. Ororo did. “I can’t do that. That’s like asking me to walk into a lion’s den.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. She’s the only one there who doesn’t like you.” Selene said as if it hardly mattered at all. Maybe it didn’t matter to Selene, but she could only imagine the awkwardness she would feel at the club. And that alone was a damned good reason not to go back to the club again. “Besides, he’ll talk to you.”
Me and my big mouth, Ororo said to herself. Ororo had let it slip once before that Kurt didn’t like doing interviews. He wasn’t arrogant because of his status in the music world, but he was painfully shy, even somewhat innocent. Something that people didn’t associate with his flamboyant style. He’d often told her he was more comfortable being surrounded by music than people.
“I heard that his costume wasn’t an outfit. Is he really blue?” Selene asked, distracting Ororo’s thoughts.
“Kurt is not really blue, Selene.”
“How do you know? Have you ever seen him out of costume?”
Ororo racked her brain, trying to remember a time she’d seen Kurt not dressed up as his alter-ego, Nightcrawler. She couldn’t really remember a time he hadn’t been in full costume. “Yes… sort of… I saw his hand once, and his skin was not blue.”
She thought back to one of her first few days at The Phoenix. She’d been so overwhelmed with the experience and she’d accidentally dropped two large bottles of vodka. Kurt was nearby and he’d been gracious enough to help her, cutting his hand in the process. She helped him clean the wound, and she remembered watching the water in the restroom turn into blue swirls as the paint came off his hand.
She also remembered how he refused to do anything until he’d gone home and reapplied the body paint to his hand. She remembered thinking that his costume was something that he hid behind. She didn’t know if it was because he was shy or if it was for other reasons.
“So, how do you know that his whole body aside from his hand isn’t blue?” One of Selene’s eyebrows reached its paramount pinnacle. She couldn’t be serious. Selene was just trying to make light of the situation. Wasn’t she?
“Selene, that is silly! “
“Haven’t you ever wondered what he really looks like?”
“I have, but over time, I stopped.” She did use to wonder in the beginning what he looked like underneath the body paint, but the longer she worked at The Phoenix, the less she thought about it. Yuriko had mentioned that she’d never seen him out of his costume, either, but most of them had come to accept it like Ororo had in the end.
“Well, there you go. He must really be blue.” Selene said with a resolute nod.
“You are not serious. Have you ever seen blue people?”
“Well, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”
“Blue people don’t exist.”
“Lies.”
For all of Selene’s bitchiness, she could be silly from time to time, such as now. Granted, it wasn’t as ridiculous as most people silly side, but it still showed that Selene was human somewhere in there. Ororo thought it was nice to see Selene relax a little, especially since so much of their week was spent meeting deadlines. Stress didn’t much suit any of them. It made Selene evil and it made her push herself to breaking points.
“Kurt being blue or not, which I find ridiculous, is beside the point. The point is how could you do this to me?” Ororo asked. She hoped Selene hadn’t really believed that she would forget about that by distracting her with such absurd conversation.
“Don’t you like your new promotion? It means more money.” Selene said.
“You’re meddling.” Ororo knew when someone was trying to meddle. What Selene hoped to accomplish with this was beyond her. She’d already talked to Logan. She wasn’t really sure what they were going to do now, but it was something.
“No, I’m proving a point to certain hot shit redheads. That bitch and her wannabe glamorous club. Do you believe she had the nerve to call my magazine second rate? Wait… you’d already stormed out by then. So, I had to go for the jugular. She’s going to be miserable with you there.”
“And that’s all this about?” she asked not truly believing Selene’s explanation.
“Of course, it is. What else could it be about, dear?” Selene said with forged innocence. What else indeed, Ororo thought to herself as Selene pulled her back toward the ballroom. “Let me tell you about how Jean high-tailed it out of here when she saw Scott and Emma…”
Author’s Notes: I am so not supposed to be working on this. I did it all for you, Monica. Next chapter soon. *goes back to her hole to make her June 18th deadline*
