~*~*~*~
The ghost in love is creepier than corpse.
And still you here, with me, through dare.
We fell in dark with trust and hopes,
But still so lost, so shocked, so scared.
We lay together, not on bed.
It is a fog, which holds us barely.
I am a ghost. I won’t be wrecked.
But you – alive. For you I’m scared.
For you – my only glow in live,
You only one of whom I care.
You are an angel, sent by sky
In my embrace. For you I’m scared.
~*~*~*~

Chapter I

When your face has risen
Above my crumpled life,
The first thing I’ve understood was
how poor is everything that I have.


Logan for the second hour sat in the room and stupidly looked in a ceiling. It was so cold and so empty inside. And nothing could fill in this emptiness, anything unless a glass of Sweden beer. However, it is a school, so there it can’t be. Therefore, he simply sat and thought about nothing. He liked to be alone: nobody prevented annoying chatter, did not distract, and did not make him sick. He also liked to live alone. Free and independent … as a wind that flies on mountains and rocks in searches of a shelter. But when he would finish it? Whether would he?
- Mon ami, can I come in? – Suddenly he heard the familiar voice.
“I didn’t smell him? Ya getting elder, bub� – Logan has bitterly thought, but aloud has only barked: “NO!�
- It’s very necessary for me! - The unexpected visitor has begged.
- Get out!
Logan heard silent rustle near the door, and soon the Gambit faced near an armchair, imperceptibly hiding a master key in a pocket.
- You are not so friendly today, brother.
- I’m not your brother, Cajun, - Wolverine said angrily.
Remy has broken off and silently sat down on a bed.
- I need your help… - he told him simply, and broke off again.
- Well? – muttered Logan. This impudent boy has broken his loneliness, so inconsiderately rushed in HIS room. What a Fuck?!
- Could you lend me motorcycle? You understand, my machine has broken, and I would like …
- To take a walk on bars? – Logan has roughly interrupted him.
- On bars? – Gambit asked with a bit of offense.
- Yeah, on bars … and on women! Transport is necessary to ya only for one reason.
- You are not right … - Remy said slowly, - whether you know …
- Yes! I know, - Logan responded angrily, - and don’t even try to assure me…
Gambit jumped and shouted:
- Listen up, Mr. Grumbler. Have you ever trusted somebody? If not, try to trust even to friends. Trust, it, whether you know, the useful thing … saved a lot of people … You are not the one, who sometimes felt so sickeningly, that it would be desirable to howl with despair and melancholy and to run, run, run, yet won’t fall down for weariness or until the death won’t stop you. Be able to hide the rage from others. If you had a bad mood, it does not mean, that you must spoil it to others…
- Fuck, Cajun!!! – Logan howled, - I simply want to stay alone, understand? I don’t mind what ya think, but if you won’t disappear from my room in three seconds, you will have serious troubles.
- You know, I don’t need your help anymore, - Remy stood up arrogantly, approached to a door, but suddenly turned back and added: - And about women … Personally I think that to spend time in a society of hot and beautiful ladies is much better, than to sob in a pillow and to bite elbows because of the only women, which even doesn’t see you…
The lightning jump and Logan’s finger seized Gambit’s throat:
- WHAT you said?!
Remy looked straightly into his eyes and quietly answered:
- Both of us know about whom I’m talking. You will trick neither yourself, nor me! You love her, confess to yourself …
- I don’t understand, what are you talking about, – Logan answered equally and threw Gambit on a floor. Remy murmured:
- More careful with my face…
Logan, paying no attention on him, turned away to a window and angrily spat out:
- Get out from my room, Cajun, while I REALLY haven’t become angry …
- Why are you so aspire to get rid of me? Nothing stings like truth?
Wolverine speedy turned around, tenacious fingers were pulled to Remy’s throat with menacing speed:
- You’ve bothered me with your chatter and if you don’t want to leave my room, I, with great pleasure, will help you. – Logan dragged Remy to a door.
- Why you don’t want to recognize, that I am right? Pride doesn’t allow, mon ami?
- Stop playing with me. It will not finish good …
- It’s better than what you are doing. Believe me, I am right. Eventually, I could read your feelings… You should look at your face when you see her…
- Shut up! – Logan shouted, - I saw YOURS, which covers with blessed smiles every time when you look at Rouge. So believe me, Cajun, this kind of mimicry approaches you, as a saddle to the cow.
The smile on Remy’s face died.
- You can deceive a team, you can deceive her, even yourself … if you will try, but you will never deceive me, mon ami. I’m an specialist in such affairs!

Logan threw Gambit out from his room and furiously slammed the door. For one moment, room plunged into the gloomy ringing silence broken only by sound of clocks. Logan, murmuring something, approached to a huge mirror in a heavy brown frame. Seen there was not pleasant at all, so he has immediately departed it and, flopping on a sofa, closed his eyes. In one minute up his sensitive ear heard surprisingly familiar sound.
- Cajun, motherfucker!!! – Logan roared and rushed to garage …

The only thing he saw was quickly excluded Remy on HIS motorcycle.
“Well, I think tomorrow in our mansion it will be on one less�
Logan jumped in Cyclops’ car, and with all anger pressed on a pedal of gas. Red "Porsche" has screamed and rushed off for the impudent thief. Claws scratched terribly, but as soon as he thought, that SHE wouldn’t like to read in a morning paper about the Remy’s corpse found in bushes, Logan with all strength of will calmed himself. After an idea of Cajun’s death another thought came, not clear and disturbing. There had to be a reason why Remy rushed into his room and started this conversation. He did not like a theme at all. The Cajun wanted to pin up him once again. His bla-bla-bla about love and so on… Logan hemmed. He? In love? This guy has a sick sense of humor. He is not right. No. Definitely not.
- Oh, fuck! - Logan regained consciousness and looked at road: a mad stream of cars fly towards him.
- Damn!!! – Logan sharply turned the rudder and returned on the strip. - What this woman is doing with me?! – Heart-breaking sigh escaped from his mouth through densely compressed teeth.
Logan peered into a distance. Somewhere on horizon, he saw Cajun on his motorcycle …

Damned circle loomed is those:
nothing escapes punishment,
And even if goes,
there is nothing free-of-charge,
And person imperceptibly
became mad himself…

“What a fuck he is doing?" – Logan thought, observing as HIS motorcycle disappears behind trees. "Where he is going?�
Logan added speeds and followed Gambit, mentally, and sometimes aloud allocating Remy unflattering epithets. Suddenly Logan sharply braked and stopped. Danger soared in air. He felt it with his skin, passed intensity of this place through nerves. This smell … the Smell of force, a smell of authority, a smell of the ENEMY …
"Where, this time?" – Logan has looked round a deserted glade. "Yes, it is not necessary to hope, that the Gambit has gone to a bar. If, certainly, there is no cozy hole with binge ".
Trees and stone rocks … Rocks and trees … Trees and … stop!
Logan caught movement and strained his sharp sight. Indeed! Between foliage flashed the dexterous figure of Cajun. “Let’s see, with whom you have a date in such lovely place!" – Logan grinned and cautiously followed Gambit.

- Hello, Remy. I am glad, that you have come.
- I want to finish with it, once and for all.
“Sinister!" Logan stood rather far, but his sensitive hearing caught a sound of a voice with a metal shade. "Wow! Our Cajun has a picnic with Sinister! I’ll cry from affection!� In the meantime conversation proceeded.
- Nat, that do you want? I hope, it is our last meeting …
- Remy, my boy … Still so trustful, so naive … you KNOW, what amazes me most of all? That they, yours X-men, think that you are crafty. But it is so easy to trick you…
- What do you mean?
- You really believed, what I’ll leave you? No, Remy, you will be with me in any case. Not at your own will, so violently. You hoped that in a wood I can’t make anything with you? You forget about my portals?
- Leave alone me! – Gambit snatched out a card, but suddenly fell, doubled up with a strong pain in temples.
- Do not make me hurt you, Remy! – Essex spoke almost gently, approaching, to suffering Cajun. – Don’t try to resist. It is useless.
- And I don’t think so! – Logan growled, letting out three sharp claws.
– Forgive me, that I break your idyll, Mr. Essex, but … TAKE AWAY YOUR DIRTY HANDS FROM GAMBIT, BITCH!
- Damn! – Sinister swore and distracted from Remy. Cajun took advantage of it, charging a card.
- Beer from me, mon ami! – shouted Gambit, trying to outvoice the noise from explosion.
- And new motorcycle! – Logan grinned.
- Let’s get out from here! – Gambit ran to road. – Logan, come on! Why are you standing?
- Stop! – warned Wolverine, involving air. – Only one thing can smell so nauseatingly…Sabertooth!
Huge ball of fur claws and muscles appeared from trees. Behind Creed, there was a gang of marauders.
- Leave, Logan! We have no time!
- Run, Remy! I have some work!
- Idiot! We won’t manage! There are too much… А-а-ah! – Gambit held temples and hardly stood on legs. Logan estimated a situation and with one jump overtook Sinister, which held Cajun.
- Run, motherfucker! They need you, not me! There is only one motorcycle. I have left the car on road! Leave, jerk!
Remy spat, charging cards. He wasn’t going to leave Logan alone. But…
"Not a portal, not a portal! " – flashed in mind, but it was already late. Essex and Logan disappeared in greenish light. Gambit was left alone with marauders. One on twenty.
- I’m sorry, guys… – Remy, mounting a motorcycle, rushed off to mansion.

I never betray the friend in my life.
Only yourself, but it’s not a merit …

- You will pay for it! – Sinister hissed, directing a stream of energy in Logan. The portal transferred them to laboratory with snow-white tiled floors and absence of a smell. Wolverine felt someone’s painful authority above his body, he could not rise - I developed this plan very long, and you have spoiled all.
" I can handle it, I won’t give up… I won’t… I can’t!" … Consciousness inevitably left him … "Fuck!!! Why water drips from a ceiling? ".
Essex placed Logan in operational and turned on some device …
"Why I can not open an eye? Why? " The Man on an operational table has screamed, when laser beams, as if wet cold fingers, penetrated into his brain and started to break his will, self-checking, to crumple his ideas and feeling, as the spoiled sheets of a paper.
"Why I fall?" The consciousness was scattered on slices of one puzzle, and he didn’t have forces to collect them together. Logan fell in darkness, in blinding darkness … the image of the fine woman has flashed. He knew her. " Why is SHE here, in this nightmare? "
He didn’t shout at all. Has compressed teeth, but didn’t shout. He was afraid to frighten off this vision, which has come to him …
And beams changed all and changed his constant will …
"Switch off the sun!"
Essex hemmed satisfied. All passed successfully, small failure in the end, but it’s not counted.
"I have told: SWITCH OFF the SUN!"
- You prevented me with Remy, but helped with experience, - Sinister muttered. Logan tried to rise, but suddenly felt a wild pain in a head. He had never known such. No… he knew …
"Striker! No! No…again! "
Essex with surprise observed of the patient through bulletproof glass. Logan jumped from a table, despite of the weakness; mad eyes stared at the hands …
"Stop! I’m raving … It was for a long time. 60 years ago. What’s happening with me now?"
- He’s strong, - Essex smiled.
"Switch off this light! It blinds me …don’t! Leave me! Let out! What is it? Sinister?! Son of the bitch! “Logan thrust claws in glass.
But Sinister didn’t receded, in spite of the fact that NOW Wolverine was dangerous as never …
- What you have done with me, fucker?
- Nothing. Just returned your face to you, your life, yourself. You are an animal, Logan.
"No! NO! Not THIS word …"
- You’re animal, the most terrible animal because you can think, but can not resist yourself.
Glass has busted and was showered thousand splinters under Logan’s feet. Behind Essex the portal was lighted. He turned back and said:
- Once you deceived a nature, hid a predator in yourself, but Destiny is such contender at whom you can’t win twice.
- I will kill you!
- Right, Logan. You will KILL. – Sinister disappeared in portal.
"I won’t give up so simply. I shall struggle. Switch off this fucking light, fuckers, or I will tear them all. I hate! I HATE!!!"
And then darkness came…

Logan sat on a floor, trying to collect in a heap running up thoughts. After several unsuccessful attempts it was possible to him. He was stirred up, slowly risen and focused the sight on hours.
Strange … it seems, he rolled here only for some minutes after … what??? There only muddy images in head, too not clear and indistinct.
"Fuck, what happened with me!?" - Logan with concentration rubbed his temples, but a headache only amplified. Then he tried to make a step and almost fell on a slippery white tile. It was not pleasant for him. With coordination of movements everything was is all right. Always. In any condition.
Logan stood, enabling regeneration to complete the work. Memory came back quickly, but it did not please him. It’s better to remember nothing than to see before your eyes the humiliating face of Sinister… Logan crawled away to a wall. Felt a sharp pain. Thousand of fine grains of the broken glass have stuck into hands. And again before eyes the white cold blinding sphere so ruthlessly cutting his sensitive eyes …
"I must fuck out from here!" – the brain has obligingly prompted, recovering from a shock. Logan has left laboratory and narrowed eyes from the bright midday sun. Involved motionless air, quickly defined direction. He expected, that the portal has transferred him on any desert island, or in small cave somewhere in Himalayas, or even on well protected military base, but not on this bright cheerful glade in the middle of a wood behind which there was their mansion! Sinister became completely impudent – has equipped practically under their noses! Yeah… And they haven’t notice it…good guards of the world! No words. And no ideas.
That he had done with him? What he was involved in? And why, for Jesus’ sake, he pursued Cajun? He could wait him in mansion and kill him right here. Though, he once again rescued his French brainless head.
"All my troubles begin with laboratories, - Logan gloomy thought, walking aside woods. Head was still intolerable sick, also heavy ideas about happened didn’t helped at all. One minute later, he entered in woods - cool, gloomy and slightly horrible for the simple person. But for Wolverine the woods was his second house. The house in which you will be always glad, in spite of on anything, where you always can find a shelter even if all world has renounced you. The wood will not banish, will not shout, will not offend and will not humiliate. It, as careful mother, will cherish the child while this child will not strike first…
Logan with pleasure breath in dead air, absorbing thousand aromas of this place, and on his dark face appeared the semblance of a smile …
Everything in the world disappeared for him, until he noticed movement in bushes. No, it was not a wind … Logan felt blood! Real, hot, fast … Suddenly all his feelings became aggravated up to a limit, he madly wanted to fall on four paws, hide, and then unexpected for a victim and for himself make a prompt jump, towards to a small lump of fear and horror …
Logan regained consciousness and with horror found out, that in his hands is beating and plaintive screaming absolutely tiny wood mousy. She, with all her forces, tried to escape from steel embraces of his hand, but, certainly, without results. Logan involuntarily compressed a hand, not letting her to escape, and then he felt, as life leaved the weakened mousy, the drop behind a drop… But, no he did not want it, he thirsted to stick a teeth into even alive trembling flesh … to exhaust all scarlet liquid up to last drop … to feel on lips her salty smack… to inhale aroma of fresh juicy meat …with pleasure.
"Damn! What’s going with me?" – Logan with loathing looked at his hands. In them, the mousy calmed down in last convulsions. Wolverine flung away corpse of unfortunate creation and stood up, looking around on the sides.
"Where these thoughts from?! These feelings?! ". As if derisively, the image of Essex has emerged in his consciousness: " you an animal, the most terrible animal because you can think, but can not resist to yourself " … the Animal? … the Predator? … Essex leaves, but his place is not empty … the felted wool, the huge muscles, eyes full of animal rage, the canines, always stained with blood. Sabertooth … a predator, too … Logan looked around again…
But he is human! Not an animal, not an animal. All of them are mistaken! … They don’t understand him… Let them call him a devil, but not an animal, not a predator. He is too tired from it!! From misunderstanding … from all …
"Predator! Predator! – Essex spitefully laughed at his consciousness, "Animal!" – Yorico whispered with disgust, "Animal!" – Cyclops repeated with hatred, when thought, that he doesn’t hear …
- Stop!!! – Logan shouted, but the only answers were shouts of frightened birds. The wood rustled – it didn’t like vanity and shouts … But Logan didn’t pay attention to it. He stood, panting, and hated words still rushed in brains. Trying to get rid of them, he rushed, breaking bushes and frightening birds.
But unless did somebody manage to escape from the fears? They pursued him, getting in the way, looking to face or sufficing behind for a jacket. In ears - ringed Spinster’s embarrassing laughter, Sabertooth’s spiteful growl and thousand more other sounds, each of them was reflected in a brain by a pulsing pain. And it seemed that there won’t be rescue.
The only light in this dark wood empire was the mansion, as an image of something domestic and pleasant. Logan calmed down. Then tried to realize all event, but could not. He needed to retire, collect the thoughts and to think about what’s happening with him.
"Do you really think that you can?" – whispered an internal voice, but Logan waved it away and directed to mansion. Nobody should prevent him, so, he needed to report to the Cyclops. Well …

Already from apart he heard chaotic speech of Cajun:
- Listen! I said, he needs help!! You don’t know Sinister? He is capable of all!!!
A velvety voice of the Rouge:
- Let’s start with that, sugar, how you together managed to run on Essex?
- It’s not important! – blew up Remy, - the main thing, that he is in danger! In big danger!!!
- Not small, he will cope … - the Rouge yawned.
- She is right! – picked up Scott, - especially, at two o’clock we have a conference on a problem of mutual relation of young mutants with their usual coevals …
- Fuck this conference!! – Remy completely became angry.- the help is necessary for Wolverine! And if you’re too laziness to tear off your asses from sofa, I will go there alone!

- Sit silently, Cajun! – Wolverine growled. - Your help is not necessary for me. I’ve coped myself. Really, I’m not so small, - he threw a derisive sight on the Rouge. The girl was pressed in an armchair, big green eyes looked with fright. Some seconds a team with amazement and horror looked at Logan. Finally, Jean has plaintively peeped:
- Wolverine, what happened with you?
Logan, ignored her retort, and hoarsely said:
- Leave me. Now, I DON’T NEED you, no one.
And, turning around, left a room in death silence.

Wolverine slowly reached the cabin, opened a door, entered. The smart grey skin of the huge wolf, killed by him on snow open spaces of northern Canada, rushed to eyes. Logan looked in eyes of a dead animal smiling to him as to old friend, then came across a fragment of a dusty mirror and started back.
There from he looked at himself … But this sight … can’t be …
Logan once again looked at the wolf and bitterly grinned.
He understood, why X-men reacted SO…

No – I don’t need half of anything.
Give all the sky to me!
Give all the Earth!
Seas and rivers, mountain avalanches.
All mine – I don’t agree on a sharing!
No, life, I’m not agree on part.
I don’t want half of happiness,
And half of sorrow I don’t want!

- Logan, wait …- Ororo whispered silently, when the door has already slapped. Storm didn’t know to whom she told these words: Wolverine however wouldn’t hear her so maybe … to herself? Nevertheless, these words escaped, and one more person caught them. Acute sight from under red hair slipped on the girl and stopped on the person, silently trying to find the answer to creeping in doubts.
- Stormy, ma chere, don’t worry. Maybe, Rouge is right: Logan is big boy, he can manage himself… - Gambit approached to the girl and slightly hugged her.
- You are going to let him off? But… - Storm looked at everyone, but coming across Professor, broke off.
- Ororo, we have no right to interfere with Logan’s life if he doesn’t want it. – Xavier shook his head.
"You don’t understand, you don’t know anything!" – Someone's voice shouted in Storm’s soul, but the long-term habit to control herself didn’t allow to express it aloud.
- But … I … yes, you are right, Professor … but I think … - Storm felt, that her words sound very hesitantly and she added, damning herself for lie: - Logan can’t take part in fights if he isn’t in mansion. We lose the best fighter, Professor.
Ororo was surprised how she easily lied. Why she is so was afraid to tell the real reason? She doesn’t want to let off Logan because … because … he is her friend, ‘cuz he needs a help … and … Goddess, what’s wrong with her? Blushed like a schoolgirl. And when Gambit looks at her surprisingly, she felt confused as if she was an overtaken unawares with a cigarette in hands in a school toilet …
- You are right, Storm! – Scott’s voice deduced her from mediation. – Personally, I’m tired of his behavior. And animal habits …
Ороро turned pale. Gambit, noticed it, and sharply said:
- Scott, shut up! I’m tired of your grumbling!
- But it is the truth! Logan leaves, when he wants, comes, when he wants. Pretends that he is a solo hero…
Ororo was irate. She always was angry, when someone badly responded about the other member of team. Whether she wanted that or not, but mansion became her home, and his inhabitants – her family. She loved everybody, even if she didn’t understand all features of the friends. Gambit … the Moth, which has casually flown in a team. Ororo knew, that Remy it is not created for such life, that Xavier ideas didn’t really interest him. The handsome boy, who is always accused. Remy was elder than she, but Ororo saw the intimidated child in him, which past through dirty school of life … And Logan … Logan is an embodiment of something primitive, natural, genuine, but Ororo never thought that he is animal. What animal will so bravely protect his friends and family how Wolverine did in each fight? She felt a little bit uncomfortable at his presence, but in safety - always. For Storm Logan was a riddle over which she puzzled. Strong, uncompromising, proud, but in the meantime such sensitive and vulnerable … she heard his screams at night, groans from nightmares and spiteful curses … he hated himself for display of weakness, therefore he more protected the life from encroachments of others. They called him animal because of that, but Ororo knew, that he needed help to make the only unique step… Ororo felt excitement every time when she saw him: a mix of fear and strange boundless trust. It seems, these two concepts are incompatible but it was so … she was afraid of his force, but was completely sure, that he will never apply it in evil, especially to her. He is not such person… And now Storm could not understand what Scott is speaking. Can’t they see that Logan needs help?
- I think, we should give him time, - expressed Jean. All agreed, only Gambit shrugged shoulders and threw one more sight on Ororo.
- Excellent! – Cheered up Scott, - and now all to the rooms. Gather quickly, or we will be late for conference!

Logan has never dreamed. He just didn’t know, what it is. If he wanted something – he operated, instead of sitting and sighing about his destiny. And now he dreamed. Dreamed to thoughts left him. Thoughts, heavy, as a hang-over from whisky, sharp, as his claws and black, as night. He wished to get rid of a stupid pain in a head which drove him mad, get rid of fear before himself … Essex’s words got stuck in his inflamed brain, pressed with meaning, terrible meaning… But Logan found forces to recognize, that he thought about even before unknown operation. He always interested, who is he actually? Logan … or…Wolverine? Shit… He is a HUMAN… “Then for what I have claws? Why from millions people Striker has chosen me? Has he seen a predator, who slept in me? I have killed before. But now I WANT to kill. To KILL and WANT to kill – are different things, too different … I never was sorry that I killed my victims, all of them were guilty: they or me…
…And that unfortunate mousy?...
Logan recollected the corpse in his hands. The first innocent victim. He regretted. About a mousy, a small lump of the life beaten in his hands. And he could solve her destiny, could let her off. But the feeling of authority above a trembling essence was too sweet, that he failed to overcome it. Suddenly before his eyes flew a picture filled with feelings and emotions, so real and so … desired? The horror of the victim impregnated air, rushing in lungs …
Eyes expanded for fear in which it is reflected his, Logan’s, enraged face … something alive, pulsing in his palms, but not poor, weak mouse. It is a thin neck with blue veins … And taste… this taste of blood in a mouth, copper taste …
It pursued Logan all this three days that he carried out in a cabin. It seemed, all has got color, smell and taste of blood: bloody strings have filled a room, the fireplace rejected bloody patches of light on his pale hungry face. Logan could not eat, he felt salty blood on tongue … he was afraid of this taste and simultaneously wished it… Days smoothly passed in night, the horror of a reality developed into nightmares, transferred him to the world of chimeras …
“What I want? Authorities, forces … what?�
Logan reflected, why he was so afraid of the rapacity? Animals are much better than people. Human– the pity false creature, spending life on destruction… How many times he met unworthy people and couldn’t make anything. And to whom, how not to him, to solve their destiny? He – is a predator, but is a human too… He was on both sides, he has the right to judge …
“Stop! What a fuck I’m talking about?! What I’m thinking about! I can’t, I can’t allow them to take me … I AM A HUMAN, I want to live, to feel. I do not want to lose myself!!!�
Logan rose from fur and left a cabin, he substituted his face to a night wind … he will cope, certainly will cope … It can not in another way. He is strong, dexterous as … as an animal!
"Fuck!" – Logan growled, and returning to a cabin, opened canned food and sworn himself that will eat everything, even if it will be not only blood’s taste, but also glue’s, decay’s and a mould’s … though his organism was quickly restored, famine, a sleeplessness and heavy ideas exhausted Logan. A bit later, banishing all happened events, Wolverine was forgotten by painful disturbing dream … he remembered, that in the his dreams he heard a voice in which he, with horror, found out his own:
"…I shall receive everything, what I want … I have a right … "

I betray you like pig,
But despite of it there is no control,
And your eyes ask me:
" What for? What for? "
And your look’s hateful, insatiable
– like I’m an enemy for you,
And I beg you vainly:
" What for? What for? "

Ororo stretched a hand to the door handle and again omitted. Something prevented her to open a door and enter a cabin. But it was necessary …
Ororo at once understood, where was Logan. In the world there was only one place where he could feel like in a house. A cabin constructed by him, a semblance of shelter from an external world. At the heaviest minutes of his life he always left them, and went to his cabin: he didn’t want his friends saw his despair. Only his strength and so pride …
Ororo never was in his cabin, but she knew where is it. Leaving a mansion, Ororo still didn’t believe, that she was going to Logan. But the decision was accepted long time ago. She needed to see Logan, to be convinced, that he is all right. Maybe then at last her heart wouldn’t cease so wildly from every knock and she wouldn’t shudder more with each clap of an entrance mansion’s door, hoping, guessing, praying, that it is Logan. All his life he’d carried problems on himself, even when Xavier had offered to shift a part from them on his shoulders, Logan had refused …
She should try to help him. She didn’t see him three days, since their last meeting in that day when he has returned. His sight pursued her and didn’t let her sleep at night, prevented to concentrate, distracted in every possible way and more deeply forced to be immersed in a chasm of a dark blue mad flame, crazy and unrestrained. How many feelings, earlier carefully hidden, were possible to see in his eyes! Pain, uncertainty, fear, horror, despair …But most strongly was burning strange madness and something else that she could not distinguish, though again and again she represented a dark blue flame of his eyes. She had to understand what’s wrong with him.
Stop! Had to? Maybe, she just wanted? Ororo take away already stretched hand. She should understand, WHAT FOR she wants to solve it … for interest of a team … or for own interest? Maybe, it’s bigger, than simply interest? She needs to think …
Today's night promises to be sleepless … for now she should talk to Logan, try to help this strong and proud person. He need help, whatever he said.
Ororo was broken off between desire to escape and fear for Logan.
"If something happens with him, and I, because the stupidity, won’t help him, I would never forgive myself …"
Ororo looked at the clear blue-sky, inhaled fresh wood aroma and I pressed the door handle …

“I can’t take it anymore. Maybe I will be an animal or devil himself, but I want it!!! I want to feel fear of a victim, a cold, spilled on veins … and blood … such hot and fragrant … So fine on taste … So … Damn! Blood … What for? I love beer, for supper – a potato with meat … fried. But meat is much tastier in crude type … Scarlet, profusely bleeding, gentle … FUCK! I can not constrain HIM anymore!! He tears to free. And he wins … No!!! I won’t allow, I won’t allow to lose myself. I won’t let out the Predator, I won’t become an animal!!!
But, my God, it would be so desirable to stick claws into alive trembling flesh, to break off it on pieces, to taste a blood, to revel in the victim.
No, I’ll cope … I always coped and now I can. But …why I should? To be hidden from myself. I’m an actually animal! No!! Yes!!! For THEM I’ll always be half-animal. They don’t even think about my feelings and about my pain, they have already given me up as a bad job. As, a dirty Wolverine! He’s not able to tell lies to face, to laugh at a back, and to flatter! He’s an animal! I’m so tired … They struck off me from the list of people and, for some reason, overlooked to take an interest, whether I agree … But I am still alive, and it means, I’ll struggle. Stop, Logan, you already can change nothing; you DO NOT WANT to change it at all. All is completed. All of them laugh over me, even SHE. For what? I have done nothing … I tried to be like everybody, to tell lies, but I couldn’t. It’s my fault, but THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUDGE ME!!! I hate all of them! So much…
Stop… I’ve noticed you for a long time … when you were there, behind the door. I’ve felt your presence, have heard your breath, have sensed your smell, became a stick, broken under your leg, wind disarranging your hair …
Curiosity and the rests of respect for me struggled in you. I wouldn’t detain you if you left. But No! You want to look at unprecedented animal, it’s soooo interesting to you! Now I’ll not let you go. You think, I don’t see you? No, I’ll find out you in any place and in any time … You’re so good in your indecision, with what pleasure I would kiss you in a neck, would warm up with my touches, so it won’t hurt when I’ll pierce your soft skin with my teeth … But you hate me, therefore I’ll act with you like … like an animal, if you want … The ball comes to the player. Though in my case it is better to tell so: the player comes to a ball … Storrrrrrm … Orrrrrrorrrrrro … yours a name is created for me, for a predator … Orrrrorrrrrro … Why you’ve come, baby?! You’re the last whom I wished it …

Ororo came in a gloomy room. It was shipped in twilight, only near a wall the sight snatched out a stain of light – a fireplace. It roughly shined a room with dying fire. In breaks between flashes she saw a floor, entirely covered with wolf’s fur. Muzzles of dead animals wearily looked at her. Ororo involuntarily closed her eyes and removed a sight.
- Logan … - girl whispered silently and slightly quailing.
Silence.
She peered into a distant, almost not illuminated corner, and noticed the dark figure, which was double up in a ridiculous pose and muttered something.
Her heart compressed from a pain at view of what happened with the most brave, most strong-willed, strong soldier of their team.
"What Essex made with him?" – Ororo thought bitterly.
Once more silent, but a persevering appeal flied from lips:
- Logan …
- Ororo … - not lifting a head, Wolverine said through set teeth, trying not to look at the Ororo’s excited face. – What you’re doing here?
Words were given hardly, hoarse voice was more like a growl.
Ororo with horror observed of the stiffened figure in a corner.
- I … I wanted to find out … you wasn’t in mansion for so a long … how are you?
- Not bed, thanks.
"But I constantly desire blood and fear, desire to feel a pain of a victim … now you’re standing right in front of me, and I think, how not to jump and kill you. Basically, everything is excellent."
Ororo suddenly found out that for some reason uninvited tears dimmed her eyes …
“Stupid girl! Came here, being tormented by anxiety, worrying for him, well, has received feeble welcome. But what I waited? That Logan will meet her with open arms, will give you a hot tea and offer to go with her to mansion? Certainly, I never represented it. But … why it is so insulting and hurting? I just wanted to check up, whether everything is all right. Well, why are you standing? Everything is clear. He isn’t glad you to see! Leave! "
But no, Ororo didn’t use to recede before difficulties. She made a step.
-Stop! – Logan roared, - No, come up to to a fireplace. NOW! – He bellowed, noticing her confusion.
“He’d become so malicious … O.K, he had never been good-natured person … but to be so irritated in the slightest occasion …I must help him? But how?" – Ororo silently approached to a fireplace.
- It’s so cold here. Nothing, if I’ll put some more fire wood?
" Well, Logan, say something! "
From under the confused hair, Wolverine saw, how girl lowered on a floor, turning up legs under her and vigorously began to move ashes with a stick.
"In what game are you playing with me, baby?"
Ororo amplify looked at fire to keep the tears. If now she will cry – he will become angry even more.
- We all worry for you… - not rising with a floor, Ororo said. This phrase angered Logan. Three adamantium claws flashed, but Wolverine didn’t move from floor.
-What a fuck are you talking about?! You? Worry for me? You all will be glad, if I fade away forever. What a fuck? Why have you come here?
Ororo jumped, choking with indignation and anger, compressed fists in powerless rage, but, seeing a hopelessness of Logan’s pose, whispered:
- I came here to help you …
"You came here to look, what I’ve become. Why you can’t just live me alone? It’s not a zoo! I’m an animal, but I’m free! Has looked? Pleased? " Logan felt, as the bitterness is spilled in a brain, burning out all feelings, even hatred.
-Get out! And never come here again, understood?!
Ororo felt, how something was torn inside. She didn’t deserved such reference from him, she … she worried for him! It’s not similar even for Logan …
“My God, what happened with him? I was right: all is worse, than I thought … he can’t control himself… Essex! Remy was right … And we didn’t listen him … Thought that he would cope … Logan – indestructible like still. But even steel can be bent, if to know how…Dear Logan, will you ever forgive us? We left you alone with problems! And even didn’t offer the help … But now I won’t leave you…
- Logan, how can I help you?
Wolverine strained. Why she isn’t leaving? One more moment and he will completely lose control above his yearned exhausted mind. Logan lifted a head, his dark blue eyes met her light blue.
"Well, baby, guess, how you can help me… Guessed? I see, guessed… What’s wrong? You are afraid of me? You are afraid to become my mousy? "
Ororo met Logan’s eyes and started back. It was awful to see there so much cruelty and a pain, impetuous animal fury, wild primitiveness, an extraordinary rage which only animals are capable of and … desire to kill …to kill without the reason … only for the sake of satisfaction … Goddess…It’s not Logan … It’s Wolverine…
Logan risen and walk on a Ororo’s direction, gradually leaving from a shadow. Madman’s sight … or animal’s … Curved mouth … grin of a predator … smile of a predator … a bristle of three-day prescription … the bloodless lips… wrinkles on frowned forehead … torn form. It wasn’t Logan … not a human … it was a predator, strong, hardy, severe … ideal assistant… his body, despite of three-day deprivations, was still strong and dexterous, but his soul died. She saw it in his abrupt movements, hoarse heavy breath … But she can help him! She was sure!
- You want to help me?
"She’s laughing over me. She’s again laughing over me!"
Ororo, despite of fear, sincerely wished to deduce Logan from such condition. Girl uncertainly nodded.
- And you don’t know, HOW to help me?
- Yes …
"You know everything! Why do you scoff over me? If Gambit understood everything, you even did! "
- Why do you want to help me?
Logan’s question confused Ororo. She always asked herself this question, and the answer was …
- You are my friend, Logan, and I want …
She didn’t understand, what had happened at the following moment. The world began to spin, the ground left from under legs, fires dazzled in eyes… Consciousness returned in thirty seconds … With image of Logan hanging above her … Ororo felt prickly fur under her, but more prickly were Wolverine’s eyes … there were such rage and pain, that girl was frightened even more…
"My God, why she is cruel with me? I don’t need her friendship … What she scoffs over me?! "
- FRIEND??? I don’ need your friendship! You know everything! I want you, Ororo!!!
Strom was dumbfounded by his words. She suddenly understood, WHAT he could do with her …
- Logan, please … Calm down…
- CALM DOWN?! Say, that you love me! Say, that you love!
Logan hung above Ororo stretched over the flour; squeezing her hands above a head. His face was deformed by furiousness, almost like in his dreams … or nightmares …
- I … I … don’t do it, Logan!
- What, I’m not worth of you?! Cuz I’m an animal! The dirty fucking animal, who hasn’t got a rights to love such person, like you! Yes?
- No, Logan, you’re not an animal … Please, you are hurting me … Please…
Her fear and tears demented Logan. He could not understand, what wants more: to kill her or to kiss her to death …
- I’m afraid… I am afraid of you, Logan …
Wolverine lost a head from her words. Fear … trembling of a victim … His mouth covered hers. He forced her to open a mouth and to let his tongue enter, has stuck into her lips, as if he wanted to exhaust all life from her. Ороро tried to wake up, sure in unreality of an event, but the nightmare didn’t want to finish. She didn’t believe up to the last moment, that the madman above her – Logan, the man, whom she trusted like to herself …
Logan flamed more and more. No, he will never kill her. He needed her alive, shouting, and begging about mercy and reading in his eyes refusal … she played with him – now it’s his turn. And he won’t miss his chance!
- Say, THAT YOU LOVE ME!!!
- Logan, stop, recall, who you are!!! – Ороро through a veil of tears saw the wild face of Logan.
- An animal… a predator…
- Logan, please…
- I want you! – He shouted hoarsely, one hand gripping her hands, and another clawed unstitching her jeans on a lateral seam, not paying attention that he’s cutting a soft skin of her legs. Blood has acted from fresh wounds, and Logan, becoming crazy from copper, such long-awaited smell, flew into a rage all more… Ороро coiled under him, trying to release, but his malicious hungry predator’s was iron. – you…you knew…knew that.
Logan didn’t finish his speaking and placed his lips on her scratches, instantly releasing her hands. Ororo pushed away from him, trying to crawl away. Logan linked the drops of blood from his lips, allowing Ororo to get up. He wanted to give her chance. The law of jungle – the strongest survives.
- Well, baby, come on. Kill me with your lightning. But kill for certain – if you won’t, I’ll find you and it will be even worse.
Ororo threw up her hands, some seconds painfully fighting with herself, then rushed into run.
"Very pity…"
One jump, as a shot of the compressed spring, and Wolverine overtook a victim. With bloody palms clamped her face, crashed into her lips, biting them, tormenting, enjoying the taste of blood, tears and loved, in spite of on anything, woman…

For some moment Ororo has forked. Her one part rushed, vainly trying to escape from embraces of an animal, and another took a detached view. This man cut her T-shirt and tries to pull down his jeans. But his hand is occupied with a victim, so he lets out her, and the Ororo-victim takes the last, doomed on a failure, attempt to run … Logan suffices her for ankle, and she again falls, leaving a bloody traces on a fur, scratching a wooden floor in hope to grasp something…
- Logan, no!!! Please, don’t!!! – thunder roars behind a window, muffling her shouts.
- SHUT UP!
- LOGAN PLEASE…
- I SAID SHUT UP!
Logan with roughly parted her hips and with one sharp thrust entered in her body.
- NOO!!! - walls of a cabin shivered from deafening, heart-breaking shouts.
Both parts of the girl painfully screamed and united, bringing a double unreal pain.
This scent… scent of the lost virginity…scent of the victory…
Logan clasped her hips with clawed palms, forcing her to curve towards him … Sobs shook a fragile body, now freed hands shot up to the face, awkwardly trying to fence off from a nightmare in reality.
- DON’T CLOSE YOUR EYES!!! LOOK AT ME! I SAID, LOOK AT ME!!!
Logan thought, that the best punishment for her will be an idea, that he – an animal, can do everything with her, everything that he wants. And he wanted! He wanted her! For a long time, maybe for years, maybe for all his life … And she’d never looked at all at him. But at this time everything will be, as he wants! He trust in her again and again, roughly cruelly, not allowing to close her eyes …
The rain beats in a window, trying to break fragile glass and help helpless victim. Sky, shrouded in black clouds, yelled with her, Mother Nature shared her sufferings, but was not able to help.
‘It Is… lie … it’s too terrible be the truth … I should keep for consciousness, should bear it or he will kill me … Though if I’ll die, he, maybe, won’t even notice it. Goddess, why? Why he’s doing it? And why I can’t resist?’
‘I want you … I want you … I’ve waited this day for so long … you are afraid of me – and it’s right… I am afraid of myself, too …’
‘I was mistaken. I trusted you. I always was mistaken. I trusted you as to myself. I was mistaken in you and in myself. You’ve broken all. Everything was mistake’
‘Who knew, that you so sweet? Oh.. I knew it! I want you!’
‘Logan, your clocks are broken. A-AH! It hurts …so much…Leave me! No! Kill me, Logan! Kill me, I want it so much!’
‘Don’t cry, baby… don’t shout so. You’re the one who’s guilty’.
‘It’s nonsense. World’s gone mad… together with me. Clock shows twelve. I’ve come at six. Time is indefinite. Time is ruthless. It is too fast for me. I can not … any more I don’t want in darkness … I’m so afraid … don’t want to come back …Darkness…’
- JESUS!!!

I understand – it’s fear
And there is love, too.
I cherish it,
Though I’m not able to cherish,
Negligent guard of my own love.
I’m prisoner of my own fear.
And these moments – I know – are brief,
And all the light will disappear,
When your face emerges…

Predator suddenly left, gradually returning to Logan his own I. With horror he looked on naked and blooded Ororo, understanding all dirt and disgust of his act…
He raped women he loved … Raped brutally and roughly, caring neither about her feelings, nor about her body. He almost killed her … she lost her consciousness on time. Together with it, disappeared her pain, fear, and disgust, everything that encouraged animal’s fury and aspiration to full authority above a victim. Logan moaned and, seizing himself for hair, desperately examined the cabin in search of calmness, but saw only blood. Her blood … On fur, on walls, on his hands … Logan roared, enclosing in this shout all his despair, all hopelessness, all shame, horror and a rage on himself … Roar of a dying animal … Yes, animal died … inside him…
He’d never raped women. It was the most shameful and disgusting thing that the man could do in his life. Even animals don’t do it. Painful memoirs of this terrible moments pursued him … She screamed … so hard, that cabin’s walls shuddered, she sobbed and begged for mercy, but predator only enjoyed her fear. He trampled down her pride, rumpled her will, as he rumpled his own, he extinguished this soft pearl light, which was his guiding star.
Logan recall, what he did with her: how ruthlessly tore her clothes, all without exception, even her small silver medallion. His mind, his real mind was trapped in a predator’s cage, rushed and tore, trying to find an exit, to find the way to supervise. Her shouts hurried him, but he could do nothing … Predator was wild, ruthless, severe, unrestrained. He forced her to look at him, in his face, and Logan precisely knew, that if Ororo stays alive, till the end of her life she will hate dark blue color … And the consciousness obligingly showed, how some minutes ago he cut her soft skin with his teeth and claws, causing intolerable sufferings and intolerable pain, from which she could be rescued, only desperately shouting, thus chocking with own blood, pulled out of the broken off throat…
Now he’s a human again, can control himself and all this due to her … she again rescued him, pulled out from that hole which he unceasing dog to himself during these three days, locked up, in darkness, in cold, cherishing ideas about death, about blood, about uncountable victims groaning in an agony because of him… He enjoyed their tortures, but perished himself … she helped him, but what price! It’s better to die, than to see, how the only dear to you woman lays on the skins filled with her blood and hoarsely breathes, as still blood runs from fresh uncountable wounds which were put by HIM!
What painful torture … she didn’t deserved it … he promised himself, that he will always be with her, will protect her. Maybe they weren’t together, maybe for day they said to each other only several insignificant phrases, maybe they didn’t throw promising sights to each other, didn’t spend all free time together, maybe she even didn’t love him… It is not important. He was happy just to feel her respect and friendship, was happy just to admire her; moreover in pair with her to outdo arrogant Cajun and bore - Cyclops. And he destroyed this illusive hope for such small happiness. He caused her enormous sufferings. She will hate him till the end of her life, and he doesn’t know how further to live with this weight in his soul…
No, he will live, even for to torment himself with heavy burden of his act.
Logan cautiously looked at the woman, laying near him without consciousness, and again he shuddered. Animal! Animal! FUCKING ANIMAL!
Unexpectedly Logan made that he never did in the life: he lifted his , full of a pain and despair, eyes to the sky, and whispered:
- I do not know, whether you exist or not, I don’t care about it as I don’t care what will happen with me in a hell, I know I will be there, but I beg - make Ororo forget those sufferings that I have caused her as soon as it possible�.
No… such things can’t be forgotten… She will live with it…
Live? Constraining a shiver, Logan looked at the her again …
" She’s bleeding, she can die at any moment …I can’t let her die. I can’t take one more sin on my soul. Otherwise, I won’t sustain … Logan began to panic. He must do something. But what?
It’s a midnight, hospitals are closed …
IDIOT!!! In their mansion lives the best doctor in the world the, and he thinks about dirty hospitals!
No, she deserves the best, and he doesn’t care what team will think… he is guilty, even not simply guilty, but monstrously guilty … It will be very difficult, but when it in this life was easy for him? Maybe they will expel him, kill or something else… he doesn’t care… Only thing he cares about is Ororo…
Logan choose the softest and cleanest fur, cautiously covering girl. She didn’t move, only plaintively moaned.
Fur was smaller, than he expected.
"It’s summer now. She won’t get cold".
He slowly lifted girl and tenderly pressed her to his chest. He knew – It’s last time he held her, saw her so close! It’s so hard, so painful to think about it.
Logan examined the cabin, in which all: both the sights, and smells reminded about the tragedy. He would never return here, in his shelter, which became a trap for both of them. Logan opened a door, feeling fresh night wind and inhaling a smell of freshness after the rain. Above a wood, there was a full moon, softly shining to the clean star sky.
Logan with sadness looked at the woods, but quickly turned away and went in the direction of a private residence. Each following step was more difficultly then previous, ‘cuz he knew, what waits for him THERE…

And it seems that it’s become empty,
shipped in drowsiness,
this child's thin body,
yours fragile body.

…There was a light in Rec. Room. Team didn’t sleep. It was first night, when Ororo wasn’t home and everyone in mansion was worried.
- Maybe, she found … a friend? You know… well … I mean friend… Not like we … well, I want to tell, that she found…
- Lover, Jeannie? – Gambit grinned, - you mean lover?
- Well…yes, - mumbled Jean, blushing.
- Hardly. –Rouge shook her head, - She would tell us, I’m sure.
- Maybe, she met him today. – Redhead assumed. Now it was Gambit’s turn to shake head:
- Stormy won’t sleep with the first comer.
- Oh! Come on, guys! – Scott grumbled. – Dodn’t pretend that you haven’t notice that she was not in her plate all these three days? It’s clear, where she is – searching for our Logan, helping him to fight his fears, listening to his snotty complaints…
- You are so acute, One-Eye.
The door swung open and Logan came in. It took a minute for X-men to understand, what had happened. Horrifying sighs swept in the room, hanging in the air …
"They are shocked…" – Logan thought – “nothing strange…"
Cyclops didn’t believe. Come on, leader, you didn’t trusted me, didn’t respect, didn’t appreciate. You thought that you could supervise me, force to listen to your foolish orders … What do you feel now, when all your belief fell?
Cajun… sadness in eyes… you knew that something would happen, didn't you?! Since that minute when you found out, that I love her. You are brutally acute, Cajun, but this time it didn’t helped…
Rouge… hatred in eyes… strong and deep … Now you and me together hate me as strong as anybody. Right, baby, hatred clears soul … Hate me…
Jeannie… you’re so weak. Shivering, afraid to look at the truth, you are afraid to believe in the validity …
Jubilee… Round black eyes, full of surprise, infinite and dimensionless. Take off pink glasses, girl, life’s not so beautiful and good, as it would be desirable. It has also other side - dirty, disgusting, vile, but it’s our reality. So be ready to what waits for you behind these impenetrable walls …
Hank… too clever to show your feelings, professionally studding `Ro. Probably, you already knows the answer to a question: will she live? You’re my savior, my last hope …
I make a step and the world, as if it falls upon me, pressing down by all it’s weight …
Jean silently cries, Gambit shook his head, Cyclops shouts something…
Hank cautiously takes my precious burden and steadfastly looks in my face. Saying nothing, carries her away, somewhere in labyrinths of grey corridors and I finally realize, that, probably I see my dear girl for the last time.
Not coming off, I look, while the next bend of a wall will hide her - pale, tormented with me … I don’t care about anything.
Rouge hysterically sobs and beats me on my face, spitting out poisonous retorts.
" You … you … how could you?!!! She trusted you!!! Animal!!! She trusted you!!! " – Rouge chokes with her tears, trying to express all her hatred. Do it. I don’t care.
Cajun, don’t try, don’t stop her. She treats herself hatred … someone put’s handcuffs… Cyclops … What, leader, you can burn out me the beam or shoot down, as a dog … only it won’t help…maybe only for you …
It became more silent in a drawing room: Rouge buried her face in Gambit’s chest, raincoat muffled her bitter and desperate sobbing. Cajun lifted his head and met my sight. And kept silent, too.
I turned away, obeying Scott. We were walking for a long time…or maybe, time meant nothing for me, I have simply forgot about it… Ororo’s ghost is before my eyes, I see only her. Even in imagination I didn’t try to ask a pardon – for such do not forgive. Never…
Cyclops pushed me into white chamber, without windows, without furniture … and then he closed the door, loudly slapped the mechanical lock. The cage slammed …