That’s how I felt when Logan walked out of the kitchen. I wasn’t angry or hurt, because, I suppose, it was no more than I deserved. I did, after all, walk out on him.
As I stood in the middle of the kitchen, alone, my mind went over our confrontation. I lied. I told Logan that I wasn’t sorry, that I didn’t want his forgiveness. The truth is I am sorry. I should have stayed with him. I should have allowed him to help me grieve. I should have been there to help him. I couldn’t though, because, at the time, I felt nothing. For a woman who always has to keep her emotions bottled up for the sakes of others, I am a very emotional person. After my child was killed, though, I felt nothing. Never had I felt so empty; I had no idea what to do with that. So I left.
Selfish of me? Yes. Given the chance to go back and correct my mistakes, would I have done that same thing? Perhaps, but I sure as hell would have asked Logan to come with me. I hope with all my heart that he can find it within himself that he will forgive me.
After a few moments of standing in the middle of the room, not knowing what to do, I left. I just started walking with no idea where I was going, until I walked out the back door.
Remy had told me that Logan put a marker for our child in the cemetery, amongst those of the friends we had lost to the dream. I had made a decision at that moment to never seek it out. I didn’t want to see it. An empty grave for a child that never had a life. Doesn’t that describe me? My empty broken heart my child’s grave, my empty womb, its marker? Imagine my surprise when I stop in front of said marker. My eyes watered upon reading the words etched there:
BUT NEVER FAR FROM OUR HEARTS
BABY HOWLETT
Goddess, what was wrong with me? How could I have been so selfish? I owed him more than some tired excuses. I owed him so much more.
I dropped to my knees and wept at my child’s grave. I wept for my husband, and our child. GONE TOO SOON. Never have three words been more true. With a deep breath I spoke, “Hello, Baby, it’s Mama. When your Uncle Remy first told me about this spot, I had no intention of ever coming here, but I’m glad I did. There’s so much I need to tell you.” Words failed me as I sat there, under the warm spring sun and gazed at the words crudely carved into stone. Logan must have done it himself. “You would have loved your father. He is a good man, fierce and gentle, with a heart that is often taken for granted. Even by me.” Especially by me.
“I need a favor, Baby”not the I deserve one. Before I ask, though, you need to know that I love your father. I never stopped, even though it may have seemed as if I did. Logan is the most important thing in this world to me. Walking away from him was the biggest mistake I have ever made. Can you please help us find our way back to each other? I will do whatever I have to in order to make things right for him.”
“Ya mean that, darlin’?”
My heart stopped cold at the familiar gruff voice. The voice of my husband, my love. I jumped to my feet and faced him. “Logan, I-I didn’t know you were there.”
“Ya weren’t supposed to.”
Of course I wasn’t. Wolverine was, after all the best there was at what he did, and one of the things he did was hunt. A good hunter was always able to move around without making a sound.
“Ya gonna answer my question?”
‘Question?’ I wracked my brain, trying to remember a question.
“Are ya really willin’ ta do whatever ya haveta ta make things right for me?”
“Yes, Logan. Anything.”
“And if I told ya that the only way ta make it right is fer ya ta leave, let me get on with my life?”
I would fight him tooth and nail. I would plant myself in front of his bedroom door so he had to see me every night and every morning. There’s no way I would just go quietly into the night, I made that mistake already. Did I really have the nerve to say that to him? “Do you want me to leave, Logan?”
“If I say yes, will you go?”
“No.” There, I said it. I held my breath and waited for him to yell at me, or to turn around and walk away again.
Instead he came to stand right in front of me. Nodding, he said, “Good answer.”
We fell into another silence, this one more comfortable than the one in the kitchen. Standing side by side, we gazed at our child’s marker. After a long while, I felt the need to speak.
“When I woke up in the Med-Lab and Henry told me about the baby, I felt no emotion. Not anger, or sorrow, or pain, just an all-consuming emptiness. For two years I went through each day in a daze, feeling nothing, until one morning I woke up one morning with this pain in my chest. I could barely breathe it hurt so badly. I remember thinking that I was dying, and I welcomed death. The pain didn’t go away for weeks. It didn’t get any worse; it didn’t get any better. It just was.
“After a while, I realized that what I was feeling was grief. And I cried. For the first time since our child was murdered, I cried. And screamed. I screamed until my throat was raw. I had finally allowed myself to mourn the loss, and the heavens mourned with me. Rain poured from the sky, thunder echoed my every cry. Together we mourned.
“After that, I didn’t know what to do, so I stayed in L.A. and helped out with the shelter.”
“So, what made ya come back?”
“Remy,” I laughed. “He showed up at the shelter one afternoon, and pretty much told me that enough was enough and it was time for me to come home.”
“But that night when ya came back, ya didn’t even get two words out before the Cajun dragged ya from the room.”
“He was afraid that you and I would start fighting. I think his exact words were ‘Wouldn’ wan’ t’hurt the man.’”
Logan grunted, “Ain’t me he shoulda been worried about.” We lapsed into silence again. Logan turned suddenly to face me, his eyes unreadable. “So, we really gonna do this? We really gonna work on this marriage thing?”
“Yes, Logan. Whatever it takes.”
“Good,” he nodded. “I ain’t gonna promise you that it’s gonna be easy, ‘Ro. It’s gonna take a lot of hard work, maybe some tears.”
“It will be worth it, Logan; every tear, every raised voice. You are worth it.”
“We are.”
“We are.”
He pulled me to him and kissed me. I was finally home, in his arms, where I belonged. I knew at that moment that I would never walk away from him again. That no matter where my path took me, he would be right beside me for the journey. “I was wrong, Logan. I never should have left you. I’m sorry.”
“Good. Don’t let it happen again.” Logan released me and crouched before the grave. “I love ya, kiddo.”
I knelt beside him and took my husband’s hand in one of my own. With the other hand I reached out and caressed the cool granite, tracing the baby’s name, “Thank you, my angel. I love you.”
Together Logan and I rose and started back towards the mansion, hand-in-hand.
“So, darlin’, did ya really mean it when ya said ya’d do whatever it takes to make us work?” Logan asked playfully, his eyebrows waggling as he spoke.
“Every word.”
“Oh, yeah, this is gonna be fun.”
