I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with-Kelly Clarkson
Dear Nobody,
Your somebody now, aren’t you? You look like a fish or a tadpole, or what should be a human being. I haven’t told them yet, I guess I should, I would be easier if I told them than them finding out. I’m sure Jean knows, Auntie Jean that is. The biggest problem is telling your father, I don’t think he’s ever been told he’s going to be a daddy, and to be honest I don’t know if he likes kids or babies rather.
Will he regret it like I did? The night that is, not you. In my first letter I wrote ‘and in those three days I’ve felt nothing but regret’ and now I wonder if I was talking about you or about that night, I’m confused, much like I was then. Maybe I was writing about neither, that I was just trying to match up an emotion to what I was truly feeling-I can try to believe it but it would be wrong to.
One day I’ll tell you what happened, well the full version and you’ll have to be much older than you are now, a lot older. The shorter version is that we got drunk, stupid and vulnerable, and vulnerability can lead to lots of bad situations, but you’re one of the good situations, and I’m happy about that.
I’ll tell them tonight at dinner, I promise I will. I’ll write to you later to tell you about it, and if I don’t you know I broke my promise.
…I will give you a thousand promises…
…and this is the first…
…my second is to name you…
…so you will always be in my heart and mind…
…How’s Kendal…
….Kendal-Logan.
Ororo…
Write to you very soon…
Ororo went down stairs slowly, almost unnoticeably. She watched quietly as what she considered to be her family made their way into the dinning room. She followed tensely, as her mind raced on to what she might say. Was she just to say a simple “I’m pregnant” or to go into a longer more complicated speech?
She remained standing when all the others sat and became engage into other more meaningless conversation, until Jean said “Aren’t you going to sit down Ororo?” Everybody turned their attention to her and she suddenly felt hot, and more nervous than she already was. Her cheeks flushed.
“Actually no, I’ve got an announcement to make first,” She took a deep breath before speaking again, “it may come as quite a shock but-” She stopped and looked at Logan as if to say ‘I’m talking to you, and only you so please don’t be mad.’
Jean took hold of Ororo’s hand and smiled gently, “Ororo,”
Ororo shook her head and smiled back, “I’m pregnant…” whispers started to spread around the table as did congratulations’, and thankfully nobody asked who the father was. But Ororo still felt as if they knew, and that their whispers were only ‘I told you so’s’.
After everyone had eaten and the table was cleared, Ororo went in search of Logan; he hadn’t looked at her or said a word to her all night. When she found him, her body failed her, her legs went numb and she found it a chore to move, she lost her voice too.
“What do ya want ‘Ro?” He asked over his shoulder, not bothering to stand up from his place on the couch. Ororo found her way around the couch and sat next to him, swallowing hard.
“I just want you to know that-“
“That I’m the father?” He interrupted, but Ororo shook her head.
“No, because you already know that, I just wanted to tell you that you can be involved in this child’s life as much as you want, but that’s only if you want to.” She said placing her hand atop of his.
At her touch he pulled away, “I don’t wanna have anythin’ ta do with ya kid ‘Ro, as far as I’m concerned it ain’t mine, just a reminder o’ sumthing that should never have happened.” He stood and started walking out of the room, but it wasn’t just the room.
“Logan,” Ororo called softly, “I’m sorry, I should have told you first.”
Logan turned to face her and said, “I don’t care that you didn’t tell me ‘Ro, all I care ‘bout is having that kid stay away from me.”
“Logan please,” Ororo begged, forcing down the tears that shone so clearly in her eyes.
“Just stay the fuck away from me ‘Ro.” He said leaving her feel deserted for sure.
With no one beside her, Ororo let the tears fall.
Long after the softening hum of his motor bike stop, did Ororo put pen to paper and write to her ‘Dear Nobody’.
Dear Kendal (Nobody),
I told them, they didn’t seem all so surprised either, I knew they’d know, they congratulated me, and asked to see my first scan. Logan however stayed quiet, and I felt guilty for not telling him first. When I did tell him, that you’re his baby, he stood up and left, and did what he does best, makes grown women feel like teenage girls, pathetic and weak. I went after your day of course he said he didn’t want to have anything to do with us, so I said fine, it was stupid I know.
That’s all I wanted to tell you for now,
Good night.
