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Chapter 17

Shades of Humanity (part 1)


Charles sat alone in his study trying to concentrate on other things that needed his attention, but he just couldn’t keep his mind from wandering. His X-Men were in crisis and, try as he might, he couldn’t think about anything else. The past few days had been an emotional rollercoaster and he was starting to feel the tension amongst his team. Hopefully they would find the strength to support each other and not let it tear them apart. He tossed the pencil on the desk and let out a sigh. Just then there was a knock on the door.

“Come,” he replied, thankful for the distraction. The door opened to reveal Jean.

“Professor?”

“Yes, Jean, come in. Please,” Charles invited, doing his best not to show his despair.

“Am I interrupting anything?” she asked.

“No, not at all. Please, come in,” the professor invited again. Jean entered and walked over to the desk, taking a seat in front of him.

“Are you alright, Charles?”

“I’m just fine. Why do you ask?” he replied in a tone that sounded convincing, but Jean was a telepath as well and she knew better. She frowned at him and crossed her arms.

“To whom do you think you are talking to?” she asked in a tone that scolded him for lying. Charles offered her a half-hearted smile, then pursed his lips together and sighed again.

“I promise, I will be fine,” he told her.

“It’s not your fault, you know.”

“What isn’t?” Charles asked.

“Any of it,” Jean answered, leaning forward in the chair. “None of this is your fault.”

“Oh… I know that.

“You may think you know it, intellectually, but emotionally you feel guilty about what’s happened to Wolverine.”

“Perhaps,” he replied, not willing to commit to an answer.

“You have nothing to feel guilty about,” Jean repeated forcefully.

"No, I have,” the professor answered sadly.

“No, you don’t. How can you say that?” she asked. “You didn’t do this. Someone else did this. Someone else…”

“I promised him,” Charles interrupted her. Jean was caught off guard and her eyes narrowed in thought.

“You promised him?” she repeated and Charles nodded. “Promised him what?”

“I promised him… that if he agreed to stay with us, I would help him learn control,” he explained.

“And you have,” she replied quietly. “He’s gained a lot of control.”

“If I had… he wouldn’t be in the state he’s in,” Xavier countered.

“You can’t eliminate his atavistic responses, Charles, his wildness is a part of him! No one can change that," she cried out in exasperation, then stopped and took a deep breath. Regaining her calm she continued, "You told me once, “with every gift there is also a curse”. Rogue can assimilate other mutants’ powers, but she can never touch another human being without hurting them. Storm has the elements at her command, but she is so attuned to them that she must keep a tight rein on her emotions lest she wreak havoc upon us.

"Well, this is Logan’s cross to bear," she explained, telling him what he already knew in his heart. "He can deny its influence on his life and you can even pretend that you have the ability to change what nature has done… but, you’d both be lying to yourselves," she told him a bit angrily.

“Logan needed help to control his anger, to learn how to manage it and not lash out every time he got upset about something. And you have done that…” Jean stopped herself when she saw the professor shake his head. She thought about her words, then shrugged, “Okay, so it’s a work in progress. He has a lot of anger…”

“He’s justified,” Charles replied softly.

“No one would argue that… but this is something different.”

“I promised!” Xavier repeated heatedly and Jean jumped right back at him.

“You promised to try! And you have!”

“You don’t understand, Jean,” he told her quietly. Jean looked at him for a moment then sat back in her chair. She raised an eyebrow as she watched the professor stare blankly at the papers on his desk. She was determined not to leave until she had driven her point home.

“Oh, I understand, Charles,” she said evenly, almost without emotion. “I understand that you blame yourself for not being able to help him dispose of his wild tendencies." Charles raised his eyes to her. "I understand that you feel guilty for not having been aware of Wolverine’s existence during a time in his life when he desperately needed someone to care about what was happening to him." Professor Xavier lowered his eyes again, saddened even more by the memory while Jean continued. Her voice rose slightly as her own anxieties and worry over her mentor began to show. "I understand that you refuse to admit that you had no control over the people who did those horrendous things to him. I understand… how sick you feel in your heart to know that you couldn’t have stopped them even if you had known.”

“I could have tried," Charles nearly whispered. "If I had known.”

“IF you had known,” Jean nodded, “but there was no way for you to know. There was no reason for you to even guess.”

“Cerebro should have…”

“Cerebro *would* have… if he hadn’t been locked up behind iron curtains and adamantium walls, deep underground beneath a secret military installation thousands of miles away in another country!" Jean nearly shouted. "For God’s sake, Charles… Logan doesn’t blame you for all of that!

“But I do know…" she continued, dropping her voice. "...that he is thankful that you did come for him and that you gave him an alternative. You gave him a choice and respect. Two things, I am sure, he had always been denied… until you came along.”

“I still cannot help but feel that I have somehow failed him,” Charles confided to her.

“Failed him?! Charles... look at him!” Jean exclaimed. She couldn’t believe that, with all that Logan had accomplished and overcome, Professor Xavier could sit here and tell her that he had failed. She stood up exasperated and moved around the desk to lean against the windowsill. She couldn’t stay there long though. Stepping toward him, Jean crouched down next to his wheelchair and thought about the words she really wanted to say. Then she put both hands on the armrest and spoke calmly to him. “When you first brought him here and offered him a home… he was so full of rage and anger and loneliness... he didn’t trust anyone. He never smiled... or laughed. He wouldn’t even talk to anyone."

“He was so alone, Charles, completely stressed out and totally traumatized. None of us ever thought he’d be able to fit in here. He was dangerous and out of control. He was damaged goods and we all worried that you'd set yourself up for failure.” Charles looked at her as she paused. Jean thought for a moment, then smiled. “Now look at him, Charles. He’s integrated into our family. He trusts us. He smiles and even laughs and what a wonderful laugh he has, huh?” she said, and Charles nodded with a grin. “You gave him hope. You gave him a life.” She leaned in toward him. “You gave him back his laugh.

“And he not only smiles and laughs now, but he tells jokes and he plays with the children. He’s a wonderful mentor and teacher and he’s able to show others love and compassion because you showed it to him.

“He’s much more relaxed now and he even has dreams and goals. He doesn’t try to hurt himself anymore and he doesn’t disappear for weeks at a time leaving us to worry about what’s happened to him. He’s even fallen in love,” she concluded softly and Charles looked at her.

He felt her sincerity and realized that Jean was right. Saying that he'd failed Logan was completely untrue: an unfair statement that belittled everything Logan had worked very hard to achieve. By saying that he'd failed Logan, he was, in essence, calling Logan a failure and he would never say that. Wolverine was his greatest and proudest achievement. He was living proof that Xavier’s dream could become a reality and proof that anyone can be reformed. No, not reformed... regained. As in something that once was lost and now is found. Yes, regained with proper love and guidance. He now realized that although the bad times would occur from time to time, they were now the exception and no longer the rule. Jean was right. Logan was damaged goods, and so much damage had been done that for him to expect any repairs to ever be complete was just not plausible.

“Thank you, Jean,” he said patting her hand and she smiled, glad that he understood.

“He doesn’t want our pity, Charles. He just wants our support,” she told him, "and he deserves that.” She finished, then stood and kissed him on the top of his head. She went to the door, but paused with her hand on the knob. “Ororo was right, you know,” she said.

“About what?” Charles asked.

“She once told me that, when he slips over the edge like this and finds himself in the deep end, he doesn’t want us to jump in over our heads and tread water right beside him. He’d rather we keep our feet on solid ground and just throw him a rope. We are his anchor, Charles... something for him to hang on to and focus on when he’s lost and trying to find his way home.

“You see, Charles? You haven’t failed him… and he certainly hasn’t failed us. He tries so hard to keep his head above water, and he knows… he believes we'll throw him that rope. But he doesn’t expect us to do all the work, he just wants us to stop him from drowning," she explained as Charles nodded. Then she looked at him with a serious expression. “Logan doesn’t know how to give up. You know that. We can point him in the right direction, but he won’t allow us to carry him. He’ll keep right on kicking as hard as he can until he’s standing on solid ground again." Charles nodded again, knowing all of that was true. “He won’t give up on himself, Charles. Don’t you give up on him.”

Charles listened intently to everything Jean was saying then nodded thoughtfully, awed by the wisdom of his student. “You are absolutely right, Jean,” he told her, feeling a little ashamed for having been so absorbed in his own self-pity. It was time to get back in the middle of things. It was time for him to be there for all of his students. “Where are the others?”

“Everyone’s outside waiting. Well... except Hank, Bobby and Kurt. They went out to meet them.”

“They did?”

“Yep," Jean replied with a smile. "Scott and Alex are on the front steps, Peter is sitting all alone in the garden and Rogue is sitting under the shade tree out back near the old barbeque with Remy," she informed him, then laughed briefly. "Rogue is still bugging Scott and Remy to build a new pit before winter sets in." That made the professor smile, knowing Rogue had been huffing about it all summer. He was sure she was only doing it now to keep her mind off the other things going on. "Shall we go join them?”

“Indeed. Why don’t we do just that,” Charles turned off the desk lamp, maneuvered his chair around the desk and followed Jean out of the study.





Kurt and Bobby had taken up point, leading the way home while Ororo and Hank followed a short distance behind. Their constant conversation was kept casual for the most part.

Logan walked wherever he wanted to. Sometimes he'd run ahead and Bobby and Kurt would hurry to keep up with him, then he’d back track toward Hank and Ororo and they would keep him in sight until he went his own way again.

He spent a lot of the time off the pathway, scrambling through the brush. Ororo assured everyone that Logan was still following them and that he'd show himself again somewhere up ahead.

She demonstrated her word game for them, shouting out short words that Logan would repeat casually from the thicket causing the others to chuckle at the sound of his ‘bodiless’ voice echoing back at them from the trees.

After a while, Bobby and Kurt took over, feeling as though they were helping Storm with her lessons. They were good teachers and they had the youthfulness to chase Logan through the brambles as he played his own version of hide-n-seek.

When he finally showed himself again they were able to keep him closer by changing Ororo’s word game to a kind of show and tell. They'd show him different items and tell him the word for each one. That kept him interested and kept the lesson from becoming tedious.

Later on they'd point out different objects, then they'd say the name of one of the items and Logan would have to point out the correct object. He was learning that the words he was saying had meaning. He learned quickly by association and never forgot what the words meant. He was a very good student.

Sometimes the group had to stop and wait for him, as he examined an old tree stump or tried to extract a salamander from under a rock. At one point, Logan stopped right in the middle of the path and the others had to step around him. They expected him to follow at his leisure, until they'd gotten a couple hundred feet ahead of him and Ororo glanced behind her to make sure he was still there. She saw that he was just sitting there, looking at her.

“Hold up,” she called out to the others who turned toward her curiously. They also stopped when they noticed he was just sitting there. “Come on, Logan.” She gestured to him, but instead of coming toward her Logan shuffled backward a couple of steps. Ororo furrowed her brow as Bobby came up next to her to take a look.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“I’m not sure,” Ororo replied. She took a few steps toward him and Logan moved further back. “Oh no. Please don’t do this, Logan,” she whispered aloud, but mostly to herself. She took another step toward him and Logan backed up another few steps.

“Uh-oh. Vas is he doing?” Kurt asked. Ororo shook her head, not knowing for sure.

"Wait here,” she instructed her companions and tried to move toward him again. But every time she took a step toward him, Logan would move back three. “Logan, please stop,” Ororo said holding her hands up in front of her in a gesture to halt. He seemed to understand that she was asking him to stay where he was, so he settled back down on his haunches and blinked at her. Ororo took a deep breath, furrowing her brow in question. “What is it, Logan?” she asked calmly. “Where are you going?”

He cocked his head at her questioning tone then pointed behind him, back the way they'd come. The crease in Storm’s brow deepened.

“What’s he doing?” Bobby asked her and Ororo shook her head slowly.

“I don’t know,” she answered. “Logan, come here,” she repeated, pointing at the ground in front of her. Logan looked over his shoulder and pointed, then looked back at her.

“I do believe he’s telling us that he wishes to go back,” Hank surmised.

“No,” Ororo whispered. “Please, no. We are so close.”

“Can I try?” Bobby asked. Ororo looked at him with a hopeless expression. She knew very well that when Logan had his mind made up there was little anyone could do to change it. “Please? Let me try,” Bobby insisted.

“It’s no use,” she told him with mild frustration. “If we walk toward him he’s just going to keep moving backwards.”

“I don’t think so,” Bobby offered thoughtfully as he watched Logan, then turned to Ororo. “He’s moving backward because he thinks you’re following him. If *you* don’t move, I don’t think he will.”

“I must agree with Robert on this, Ororo,” Hank concurred. “Why don’t we let him try?” Ororo thought about it a moment, then nodded. Bobby took a deep breath and let it out then took a step toward Logan. He actually did expect Logan to back up, but he didn’t.

Iceman took a few more steps and Logan watched him come closer, albeit very slowly. Logan didn’t appear ready to bolt away so Bobby picked up his pace and, to his surprise, walked right up to Wolverine and squatted down next to him. He sat quietly for a moment, watching Logan furrow his brow at Ororo as if wondering why she wasn’t coming too. After a moment Logan looked expectantly at Iceman.

“What’s up, buddy?” Bob asked him. Logan cocked his head, not understanding the question. A few seconds later though, he raised his hand and pointed back the way they'd come - back toward the deepest parts of the forest. “What?” Bobby shrugged.

Logan grunted at him impatiently, then he put one hand to his belly and pointed again with the other. Ororo saw the gesture and knew instantly what the problem was. She knew this would happen. 'Goddess, no,’ she prayed silently.

“He’s hungry! He wants to go back to camp to get something to eat!” she yelled to him explaining, then turned to Hank. “I knew this would happen! And we are so close.”

Bobby looked at Logan for a moment, considering the options as Wolverine stared expectantly at Storm. “You can get something to eat this way,” he told Wolverine, pointing toward Ororo and the only thing Logan understood was that Iceman was pointing in the opposite direction that he wished to go. He grunted at the young X-Man and pointed insistently behind them again. Ororo stepped forward in frustration and Logan caught sight of her. Thinking she'd decided to go back with him he quickly moved backward, ready to lead the way.

“Logan! Stop!” Ororo yelled at him in irritation. The sharpness in her voice surprised him and in response Logan cringed slightly and stopped dead in his tracks.

“Wow. You really got him trained,” Kurt quipped, trying to lighten the mood, but Ororo turned on him.

“He’s not a pet!” she shot back at him and instantly regretted it when she saw her young friend’s face drop. She didn’t mean to take her frustrations out on her friends and Storm looked at him for a second with regret. She would apologize to him properly later, but right now she had to focus on the problem at hand. She turned back toward Logan and Kurt looked to Hank for support.

“I didn’t mean to…” he started to say, but Hank stopped him with an arm around his shoulders.

“Don’t take it personally, my friend. She is upset with Logan, not you,” Beast told him and proceeded to explain the dilemma to him as Ororo turned her full attention back to their feral teammate.

“Logan…!” she shouted across the short distance. She knew perfectly well that she could whisper to him and he would still hear her easily, but raising her voice helped her vent her frustrations. She pointed sharply behind her toward home. “This way!” Logan laid his hand on his belly again and pointed behind him. “You can get food this way!” Storm told him, but he didn’t understand. He stood up and gave a quick shake of his head. He was hungry, and he was not waiting.

Crouching beside him, Bobby could see that Wolverine was becoming assertive and hoped that aggression would not follow. He stood up slowly and moved away, just to be safe.

“Logan, there is food this way,” Ororo told him as she pointed the fingers of one hand toward her mouth “ a sign for eating “ then she pointed toward home. Logan was just about to shake his head at her again, when the motion registered in his brain. He stopped and looked at her, tilting his head to the side. Ororo raised an eyebrow, knowing she had his attention and she gestured again before he could look away. “You want to eat, Logan?” Ororo asked him. “Eat?”

Logan watched her for a moment, then looked over at Iceman. “Eee-t?” he asked, his voice deep and hoarse. Iceman nodded and gestured in the same manner that Ororo had.

“Yes. Eat,” Bobby confirmed. Logan looked at him for a moment, then nodded, imitating Bobby. He stood up and walked back toward Ororo. When he got to where she was standing with Hank, he didn’t even bother to slow down. He walked right past her with barely a glance.

“Yes. Eee-t,” he told her as he walked by, brushing past her. Bobby trotted up to the small group and he and Kurt let out a snicker before hurrying after him. After they'd run after Logan, Ororo turned to Hank. Her expression clearly told him that she was feeling a little put off by Wolverine’s arrogance as he'd brushed past her with barely a glance. She wasn’t happy about it in the least and felt a tiny bit jealous. Now that Logan once again accepted their friends she was beginning to feel ignored and perhaps a bit rejected by all the attention he was giving the others.

“He’s really coming along. Hmm?” Ororo asked sarcastically, throwing Hank’s words back at him. Hank couldn’t help but laugh. It was a nice hearty laugh that seemed to heal all the stress he’d been feeling, but Storm was not at all amused and folded her arms across her chest. Setting her jaw, the Weather Witch narrowed her eyes and glared at him.

“Why are you laughing?” she asked, demanding an answer for his lack of seriousness in this situation. “I thought we'd lost him.”

Hank was finally able to regain his composure, mostly, but he couldn’t stop smiling. He put one arm around Ororo’s shoulders in support, but continued to sputter out little chuckles which were a bit more difficult to stifle. Ororo stepped out from under his arm shouldering him away, then turned to him with a stern look on her face. Hank knew that Logan’s behavior had frightened her and that she'd suddenly came face to face with the fact that this entire day could've been for naught.

Her spirit had been flying high and Logan had suddenly put a damper on her hopes of them being reunited with their friends. All she wanted was to get them home safe and sound. She'd made tremendous progress with him and then he'd appeared to just slam on the brakes and Ororo's stress just seemed to keep multiplying. But Logan’s reaction was so… Logan, that Hank couldn’t help but feel some relief.

“I’m sorry, Ororo, it’s just…,” Hank shrugged.

“Just what?” she asked, still miffed.

“I don’t know really,” Dr.McCoy had to admit with another shrug. “I’m just relieved I suppose. I mean, he certainly seems to be returning to ‘our old, loveable Logan’... attitude and all.” Ororo continued to stare at him, not at all amused. “Oh, come on,” he said with a grin, trying to sway her from her anger. “Seventy-two hours ago we were fighting for his sanity... for his life, 'Ro. We almost lost him … for good.” Ororo's expression softened a little as that truth came back to her. “If he wants to get his hackles up and put his foot down over getting a meal, well… I’m willing to give him that.” Then a thought came to him and he let out a short laugh. “Remind me again why you never want to get between a hungry wolverine and a meal.”

At that, Ororo had to chuckle too. She shook her head at him then smoothed her hair with both hands, forcing herself to relax. She was relieved as well to still have Logan close to her... attitude and all. Then she let out a giggle as she reflected on that similarity between Wolverine and his four-legged namesake. Even she had to admit that there was no one on the team who could pack away food the way Logan could... especially when he was really hungry. Nope, not even Colossus.

Putting his hands on Ororo’s shoulders, Hank spun her around one hundred and eighty degrees and guided her forward. Ororo felt a little abashed about the anger she'd felt toward him and blushed, giving him a grateful smile. Hank acknowledged her attempt to apologize with a friendly grin.

“Now, let’s see if we can catch up to him, shall we?” he challenged her and Ororo nodded in agreement. They started out after their three companions and after a few yards they had to pick up their pace, as they realized they'd been left behind.



Colonel Wraith sat behind his desk looking through the stacks of government records and files containing information that, he hoped, would assist him on this particular mission. There were folders fanned out across the top of his desk and he glanced from one to another as he referenced and cross-referenced the various bits of information.

In more than three decades in the service of his country John Wraith had found few things that actually shook him up. He was a seasoned soldier and hardened to the core. At least he always thought he was, but seeing the photographic records contained in some of these folders had made his stomach churn; an unexpected reaction, especially for him.

He glanced up at the stack of folders piled on the corner of his desk and shook his head. He'd spent the last seven months becoming intimately acquainted with the information they held; studying them, memorizing them. Every single folder on his desk was stamped "Top Secret”No Eyes", and had been sealed tight in an attempt to keep them that way.

He was in a dark mood. That’s not to say that his mood today was different than any other day, but in the past few weeks his attitude about this particular mission had become more focused and, the more he read in those files, much more serious. Months of planning and information gathering would soon be put to the test.

He was used to dealing with assassinations and covert missions all around the globe, but this time the target was not marked for assassination. Quite the contrary, this time the mark was to be captured alive. His orders even stated, to be precise, ‘alive and unharmed’.

‘Yeah, right’, he thought sardonically. This target was no picnic. He knew the man and his reputation. Neither was anything to thumb your nose at.

He flipped the folder closed and picked his cigar out of the ashtray. Jamming it between his teeth he spun around in his chair to look out the window. His temporary office sat high above the city and he looked out over it as he contemplated his first move.

They had given him this mission with little information to go on at first. But Wraith had little tolerance for incompetence or doing anything half-assed and that meant being properly briefed on the task at hand. Asking him to undertake a mission of this magnitude without allowing him access to the Top Secret information he needed to get the job done was… well, intolerable. After all, this mission had been deemed ‘Top Secret: In the Highest Regard’. To deny him the information he required to accomplish his goal was nothing short of irresponsible.

Colonel Wraith had made his feelings clear, and openly scorned his superiors for their arrogance and their attempt to keep him dumb and blind to the situation. Then he had threatened to decline the mission if they didn’t cough up the files.

He was a genius tactician and a brilliant strategist and they knew it. That’s why he was their first choice, their only choice really, for such an undertaking. Wraith had no illusions about this assignment though, and was well aware that his target was just as gifted in those abilities as he was. The only thing that would give him the upper hand on this one would be the element of surprise.

He was ready. Everything was set. All he was waiting for now was information from his scout and confirmation of the target’s location. The sergeant had been gone a couple of days now and should be returning soon. ‘Actually’, he thought, ‘he should’ve been back by now. Where the hell is he?’ Wraith had worked with the man many times before and knew if anyone could track their target it was Creed.

They had worked together, years ago, as members of the same Special Forces unit out of Canada. When the team was dissolved, Colonel Wraith had remained employed by the government while Sergeant Creed, Lt. North and Major Logan had taken off for parts unknown. Or so he had thought, up until now.

He would’ve preferred to have Logan by his side for this particular operation, but that was not an option. Creed was the best he could hope for right now and, be that as it may, Wraith wasn’t real comfortable about his re-instatement into the military ranks for just one mission. The fact that Creed was nearly drooling over their assignment didn’t sit well with him, either. The man was a savage, always had been. As volatile and uncontrollable as he could be, Wraith had serious doubts about Creed’s intentions to do as he was told. In fact, those were his only orders.

"Do as you are told, no more, no less. You got that, Creed?" Wraith had warned.

Creed had glared at him with those beady little eyes and growled at him. Only after being threatened to be taken off the assignment did he agree. But, Wraith knew that Creed had no conscience and could care less about honoring any agreements. The only thing Creed cared about was himself and damn the rest of the world. He could never understand how the man was allowed to remain a member of their Black Ops Special Forces squad.

Black Ops had always been the sought-after reward for the top covert operations units and his former squad had been the best the Canadian government had ever seen. However, Victor Creed never seemed to understand the meaning of the word ‘covert’. Many of their missions turned sour simply because Creed refused to keep his head down and Major Logan, as the team’s field commander, had had his hands full.

Logan was the best there was. No one could come close to even challenging that fact, although Creed often tried. He always fell short of his goal, though and hated being overshadowed by Wolverine’s abilities. He hated Logan and the two men had tried to kill each other more times than he could count. Logan had no patience for stupidity.

‘And neither do I.’ Wraith reminded himself. ‘If he gets his own ideas about how this mission is going to go down, I’ll kill him myself.’



TBC in Shades of Humanity (part 2)





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