Author's Note:
Title: Solitude
Chapter 8: Day Dreams
Disclaimer: I do not own anything in the marvel universe, and no money is being made from this story
Day Dreamin by: BoomKat
Thula Mtwana by: Ladysmith Black Mambazo
A/n: This is a long chapter guys, so please tell me what you think.
Logan’s memories are courtesy of: “Origin” by Jemas, Quesada Jenkins, Kubert, and Isanove
daydreamin's the way to visit the past
Those spaces and times
That we'd all hope would forever last
Don't loose who you are
'Cause that's who you are
Waking in a cold sweat Logan forced down the scream threatening to break free. The words monster, animal, and abortion sending a chill up his spine as he trembled. Bile sat in the back of his throat threatening to spill free as the sound of a shotgun blast echoed in his head, fading as reality forced the dream back in to the darkness. Rushing to the bathroom he feel to his knees emptying everything in his stomach. His mind quickly repressed the memories to avoid further harm and he was thrown in to a feral state like always. When he was feral he didn’t need to “think” or “feel”, he was free from the painful memories and emotions that constantly plagued him.
“Logan?” Storm whispered instantly sitting up as the deep rumbling continued in the darkness.
Hearing the growl grow louder she immediately knew the animal had risen. Taking in the bathroom light she approached slowly on all four, eyes down in a show of respect. Over the years she had learned how to deal with the beast her old friend struggled to contain. Pausing once she was in plain view she struggled not to look up as he came closer sniffing.
~~~
Starring at the one who approached him in all fours Logan tilted his head and sniffed. She looked down, showing him respect, but he had to be sure she was a friend. Smelling no fear he let her move closer watching her as she stilled a few feet away. She was pack, observing the rules, and acknowledging his dominance. Happy to have this companion with the familiar scent near he decided to show her affection.
Smiling as he gently licked the side of her face, letting her know he accepted her presence she nuzzled his neck letting him know she meant no harm as she moved closer.
Glancing at his face out the corner of her eyes she watched for a reaction as she said his name.
“Logan,” She whispered stilling when his eyes met hers wild, and cautious.
“Logan can you hear me?” She repeated once more forcing her body to relax, as he pulled her to him, growling once more to let her know he wasn’t ready to come back just yet.
“Okay I understand,” She said surprised when he stopped her from moving away, giving a low grunt to let her know he liked her where she was.
~~~
Upset at the thought of her leaving he growled pinning her to the wall with his weight. She belonged here with him, his pack member, and his potential mate. Sniffing her he lapped at her once more, enjoying the taste she left in his mouth.
Freezing as his moist tongue touched her neck she shivered forcing the sensations he invoked back down. Now was not the time to be noticing just how sexy he was clad only in a pair of gray sweats.
Sensing her excitement Logan moved closer positioning his body above her own.
“L-Logan,” She managed trying to think around her own desire.
His body was a welcomed warm weight against her own, and she couldn’t stop her nipples from hardening against his firm chest, lightly sprinkled with hair. Goddess he loved a man with hair, it was so masculine. Forcing her thoughts back to the predicament at hand she called his name once more.
“Logan,” When he continued his gentle ministrations gently biting her neck she hissed.
“James,” She said almost saddened when he paused to look up at her.
“James,” She said once more seeing the “Wolverine” begin to fade.
“James… Logan,” She said watching as he blinked in confusion.
“Ro?” He asked wondering why he was lying on top of the white haired goddess, and why they both reeked of arousal.
“Welcome back,” She said accepting his hand as he stood.
“I had a bad dream,” he said as the memories slowly came back.
“There was a … gun shot, and this sense of betrayal.”
Frustrated when nothing else would come he brushed past her to start packing.
“We need to get out of here Ro, I need to know what happened in that house, and just who the hell James Howlett was.”
Once they were packed, armed with coffee, and bellies full from the complimentary breakfast they hit the road.
“You drive,” He said tossing her the keys.
“ I don’t think those memories are done yet darlin,” he said feeling the ghosts of his past growing restless.
Nodding her head she patted his arm before climbing in. At least one of them had faith that things were going to work out for the best.
He sat in the passenger seat almost in a sleep like state as he absorbed the memories that had been deeply buried in his psyche.
A maze, green, and lush with many places to hide. Here they had played him, and his Rose, when he wasn’t too sick. There was another boy … his name eluding Logan. A woman, slender, dark haired, always silent. His Mother, but why was she so sad and withdrawn?
Blinking as he came back to reality he turned to look at Ro. Sensing his gaze she turned her blues to him.
“Back again?” She asked having grown used to his phasing, in and out of reality.
“For now, I saw my mother, but something wasn’t right Ro, She was so sad, and withdrawn.” Shaking his head he remembered the lush lawn.
“We must’ve been rich, cause the house rivaled the mansion, with mazes, a lake, and acres, and acres of land.”
“Who’d thought I actually came from good breeding?” He asked snorting as he thought of his regular diet of beer, red meat and habit of not giving a fuck what others thought about him.
“Logan it’s the heart that matter, and underneath everything you have always had a kind heart my friend, you never give yourself enough credit.” Ororo said reverting back the one thing they had agreed to disagree on. Realizing his “Hmph” was going to be his final response Ororo turned her attention back to the road.
The car was silent as they put the miles behind them. Each wondering what they would discover when they reached Alberta. Logan had his memory flashes off, and on, and she was troubled when she began to realize that most of them were not happy. Had any of them at the mansion had happy lives? Did they know any joy outside of the mansion walls? The drive reminded her of a different time. One she barley remembered now as time slowly chipped away on the clarity of her memories.
Looking back through the years
Photographs and scrap books held dear
Roller skates, sleeping bags
First bike, 12 stitches to match
I pick myself back up again
Her parents had loved to travel, and being in the back seat of their jeep had always been a vivid memory. They would drive out to the campsites, and set up. No one could make smores like Davis Munroe, and the two had always seemed so in love, as they cuddled together under the stars. Casting a quick glance to the sky she wondered if she would ever know that kind of love. Sighing she looked once more to her quite companion, at the moment there were more important issues at hand. Tensing at the next sign she saw Storm sent a prayer to her Goddess asking her to watch over them.
Fifteen Miles Alberta Canada
“Logan are you ready?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be darlin,” He said taking in the familiar scenery.
It was all concrete now, and over developed with black top roads, but some how he could still see it as it was. Rolling green hills, with lush trees, and winding dirt roads. Not sure where to go Ororo continued to drive straight, shocked when Logan began to direct her.
“Turn left here,” Logan said trembling as they headed up the side road, that he knew would lead them past the houses, and to the mansion he saw every night in his dreams.
As they passed through the small settlement he noticed how drastically things had changes. What was once was a small community with cobble streets was now a thriving town with business, and homes crammed way closer than they needed to be.
“Follow this bend, up and around,” He said trembling as the dam that was holding back the memories threatened to break.
“This is it darlin,” Logan whispered hearing Ro gasp as the mansion loomed in the distance.
The estate was run down now, the grass wild, and browned, the gardens over grow and neglected. Even the house itself seemed sad and defeated with its hanging shutters, fading paint, and wilting façade.
Stepping from the car he began to walk the grounds, barley aware of Ororo who hung a few feet back. . Stumbling as the floodgate broke he feel to his knees in front of the house. It was all there now, his for the taking.
His mother, pale, petite and withdrawn since his brother died. He could see his Father, who had been good-natured, kind, compassionate, wise and tall with dark hair, a bright smile and an easy laugh. His grandfather a vindictive bastard who hated them, for not being cold and callous like he. Everything had been about money power and control to his grandfather. Logan, he had been the … gardener.
Leaning to the side he retched realizing he looked too much like the sick bastard who had beat his son within an inch of his life every night, after drinking himself in to a drunken stupor.
Curling himself in a fetal position Logan began to whimper as he was thrust in to the memory of his last night at the mansion.
Sobbing Ororo forced herself to stand a few feet away. Not knowing if Logan would recognize her, or if touching him would interrupt his remembering processing. Feeling like her heart was being ripped to pieces she watched her closest friend battle his demons alone.
It was late when he was woken by the strange noises; too late for anyone to be moving about in the house. Wiping the sleep from his eyes he stumbled to his parents room. Papa would know what was going on. Raising his blue eyes in horror he let out a terrified scream at the sight of his Father’s brain splattered on to the wall by a twelve gauge.
“Papa, No Papa!” He screamed throwing himself beside the lifeless body.
“ Papa it’s me James!” He screamed shaking the man who would never again take another breath.
He continued to scream unable to stop, even when he felt the cold steel of a shot gun pressed against the back of his cranium. Hearing the click of the hammer it was only Rose’s intervention that saved him as she slammed in to Dog throwing off his aim. Feeling anger unlike any he had ever felt before he saw red. Swiping at the boy he ran for the man that had killed his beloved Papa.
“ You killed him, you killed my Papa!”
“I’ll kill you back, I’ll kill you!” He screamed ignoring the fact that the man still held the shotgun.
“James no!” His Mother screamed, pleading for his life.
“Thomas don’t he’s my son please!”
“Get off me you little Runt!” He yelled hitting him with enough force to send him hurling through the air.
It was only a moment before Thomas Logan realized things were not as they seemed.
“ You soft turd! You think there aint another barrel0full where that one came from! I’ll have your bloody guts fer gaters!”
“I’m gonna.. gonna…What did you do?” He asked looking down to see the blood oozing from the wound in his abdomen for the first time.
“ Dear Lord!” He whispered, whispering his last words as Logan/James let out an inhuman screech realizing for the first time that he had six claws made out of bone sticking out of his skin.
That was when his mother had turned.
“Oh James, please, not you!”
“Mama I … I can’t feel my hands! Rose! What’s happened to my hands?” He asked a confused boy seeking some kind of solace, where none was to be found.
“ Ohh Not again, not you James,” His mother continued rant and raving instead of offering comfort.
“Mama, why are these people here? Where’s Papa?” He asked, his brain all ready blocking the painful events that had just transpired.
“Get away from me!” She screamed hitting him for the first time in his life.
Reeling from the vicious slap he stumbled away.
“ You are not my son! You are a monster… an animal!” She ragged tossing anything she could get her hands on.
“ Get out of this house you damned abortion!” She screamed driving him out in to the night and snow clad only in a white nightgown.
Curled in to a ball on the lawn the last thing he heard was the gunshot that carried his mothers’ death by her own hand.
Letting out an agonized scream Logan was thrust back in to the present sobbing as he took everything in. No wonder he had never remembered his past.
Rushing to his side when she sensed he was done she feel to her knees beside him taking his head, and placing it in to her lap as she began to hum the old African lullaby her Mother had sung to her.
“Thula, thula, thula, Mtwana,”
“Thula Thula , Thula Mtwana
Ungakhali
Umama akekho
Umama uzobuya
"Be still, be still, be still, my child.
Be still, be still, be still, my child
Do not cry
Mother is absent
Mother shall come back
Stroking his hair she continued the gentle melody rocking slowly back and forth until he calmed. Hiccupping softly she smiled at him wincing softly at the pain radiating from the steely grays.
“Oh Roro,” He whispered burying his hand in to her hair as he pulled her closer.
Burying his face in her hair he breathed in the familiar scent of sandalwood, and vanilla, grounding himself in the present. This was now, he had taken after his Father in every way that mattered, it took more than dna to be someone’s Father. He was not like Thomas Logan deep down, and that’s what counted. The Truth was painful, yet necessary, and freeing at the same time.
“Are you going to be ok?” She asked leaning back just far enough to met his eyes.
“ For the first time in my life I really think I am, I know there’s more memories waiting to show themselves, but none … quite like this,” He whispered ignoring the sinking feeling he got in the pit of his stomach when he thought about Rose.
Starring in to the cerulean jewels filled with concern Logan smiled drawing her down for a kiss. Sliding his tongue across her lips he asked for permission to enter her mouth, pleased when her tongue flicked out to welcome him. They both moaned as the kiss deepened, and Logan savored the feel of her soft curves under his wandering hands.
“Ro,” he whispered breathing heavily as they finally broke apart for air.
“ I am here,” She replied smiling as she waited patiently for him to tell her what he had remembered.
Taking a deep breath he began to purge himself of the hate filled memories that had been his un ending torture for so long. Knowing that once the words were out, he would never be the same; because now that he knew whom he was, and just where he had come from. He was no longer lost.
Don't loose who you are
Don't loose who you are
Don't loose who you are
'Cause that's who you are, my friend
And that's how it is
Just remember who you are, my friend
And that's how it is
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